X-POSED! X FACTOR TWINS SECRET DAD REVEALED
By our man aghast, Snooper van Minge
As if the country wasn’t talking about them enough, shock new revelations about X Factor twins Jonathan and Edward look set to have tongues wagging even more. Startling new evidence has come to light which has revealed the twins are in fact the secret love children of 90’s rapper, Robert van Winkle aka Vanilla Ice.
Crap rapper Vanilla Ice
The revelations came as the twins prepared for this week’s live show on Saturday night when they will be aiming to once again murder a song with their out of tune crooning while performing out of step dance routines for the (non) amusement of millions of viewers. It seems that Ice met the twins’ mother after a concert in Ireland in the early 90’s. After waiting by the stage door for an autograph of the star, it seems van Winkle did more than simply scribble his signature.
A show insider claims that this news had been kept under wraps until now but that intense media interest has meant details have been leaked to the press in order to maintain the media frenzy around the pair. ‘It’s true, show bosses have been aware of the parentage of the twins for some time’ confirmed the insider. ‘Initially we were shocked but looking at them and the way they behave, it’s absolutely clear that their heritage is beyond question.’
We asked top genetic scientist Mary Digestive from Scunthorpe Polytechnic what she made of the claims. ‘The likenesses between the twins and their alleged father are both striking and hard to ignore. Both acts are talentless beyond belief; both are annoying beyond compare and both have the same immovable belief that they are talented singers. When you add those ridiculous haircuts into the mix, it’s extremely hard to refute what on the face of it appears to be almost concrete evidence’ she said.
Jon & Edward - 'Knobheads'
While the twins themselves were staying unusually tight-lipped about the scandal, show mentor Louis Walsh blamed the revelations on fellow judge Simon Cowell claiming they were intended merely to disrupt hi remaining group’s preparations. ‘This is just another example of Simon trying to upset my act because they are so good and he knows the public are behind them. Simon is scared because he knows that these boys are really talented and have a great chance of winning the competition. ‘
Cowell meanwhile was unavailable for comment as he was wiping his arse on £50 notes while sat on his solid gold toilet. However a spokesman for the music mogul confirmed he was ‘pissing his pants’ in response to Walsh’s comments.
Bucky on Fri, 1st Jan 2010 12:48 am
Are you an idiot Snooper van Minge? Rob is a great guy who donates a lot of time to charity. Did you ever think that Rob may have friends that get tired of seeing stupid articles like yours? Do you think that his kids and wife are laughing at your article? I know you’re probably paid to be an asshole, but maybe you should right about stuff you know about. You’re saying stupid shit about a guy who you know nothing about. Maybe you think you know him because you read some other stupid article that some other stupid idiot wrote about him? I think that if you knew all the nice things he does for charity and how giving and kind he really is you would write about that, maybe not, maybe you just like to talk shit. Anyway, Happy New Year.
Boltvault Admin on Sat, 2nd Jan 2010 7:27 pm
Bucky, might I suggest a New Year’s resolution for you is to get a life? The article was produced as a joke for the purposes of humour / comedy, clearly something you know nothing about. If you bothered to read the article you will see that rather than being based on any ‘facts’ the link between this most talented of rappers and the terrible twins was in fact a disastrous haircut – or was that too subtle for you? Before spouting off sanctimonious comments about what I should consider, have you ever considered that this is meant to be a light-hearted article which some people may actually find amusing? Obviously it won’t appeal to everyone (as you have clearly demonstrated) but that is the case for any humour so while you may not have liked it, I know many others who have. If you don’t like the stories we publish then don’t visit the site. By the way, if you’re going to comment on my so-called stupid articles at least use the ‘right’ words to describe what I ‘write’ Happy New Year to you too and thanks for sharing your incisive comments and insider knowledge of Rob, his family and charity work. I feel enlightened.