By our man in the delivery room, John Bollocks
A new study undertaken by Cambridge University to be published next week claims that women are a staggering 100% more likely to give birth than men. The study which was commissioned by the British Medical Association (BMA), ran tests over a 10 year period to see whether or not men and women of similar ages and health levels could become pregnant following unprotected sex.
Lead scientist on the study Dr. Cliff Edge said “In each and every case without exception we discovered that pregnancy occurred only in female subjects. Not one of the men tested during the course of our study showed any symptoms of pregnancy whatsoever and as a result, none went on to give birth. This is in stark contrast to our female subjects who in the majority of cases not only got pregnant but also went on to have healthy babies.
“I can therefore state categorically that works of fiction such as the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior can be dismissed forever as pure fantasy and that it is scientifically impossible for a man to bear a child through standard acts of intercourse” he added.
Expanding further on the study’s findings, Dr. Edge said “Other than instances such as following a large Christmas dinner for example where a man may feel as if they are giving birth on the lavatory, it would appear that sadly, men will never share the same feelings of childbirth in physical terms such as those enjoyed by women around the world.”
Although seemingly irrefutable, the claims were greeted by scepticism in some quarters, notably by Ivan Reitman, director of the aforementioned 1994 movie co-starring diminutive actor Danny De Vito. It is understood Reitman, 63 could now face prosecution for obtaining money by deception in view of his earnings from the film. The director, who may also face deception charges having depicted the Statue of Liberty walking through the streets of New York in Ghostbusters 2, said “The contents of this study are preposterous. I was informed on very good authority that there was a chance, however slim, that it was possible to get a man, in this case Arnold, pregnant using a cocktail of untested drugs. As such I felt compelled to tell the story on film.
“I find it extremely difficult to believe that these theories were completely unfounded and concocted by Hollywood producers purely to make money out of an unsuspecting public. As such, I totally refute the findings of this report” he continued.
Meanwhile back at Cambridge, Dr. Edge remained defiant against claims his research was a waste of money and only confirmed what people had known for thousands of years. “Findings such as this are bound to upset some people and even arouse feelings of jealousy. Think of what Darwin went through with his theory on evolution” he said.
“In my defence, if you were given money to run through loads of birds over a period of ten years in an attempt to knock them up, knowing you never had to see them again or bear any fiscal responsibility for the offspring and that it was all in the name of science, what would you do?”
Boltvault physician Dr. Julian Quimm gave both the research and Dr. Edge the thumbs up saying “You can’t really argue with the facts. Like millions of men around the world, I’ve had sex with loads of birds and have never fallen pregnant.
“And he got paid for it too, lucky bastard” he added