Hi guys! You may remember me – I’m Troy the 70’s porn star and I’m here to teach you would-be studs how to get the most from your woman.
Read on as I take you through the steps required to turn you into a Love God just like me. Oh Yeah! And remember, if they don’t squeal, it ain’t the real deal!
Anyway guys, got to go grow some more facial hair so mustache! Oh Yeah!
OK guys, we all like to have a bit of fun in the bedroom right? Get up to a few antics we can share with the other guys in the changing rooms at footy maybe? Well, here’s the first of my tasks for you to complete in your quest to become the ultimate love machine.
Step 1- The Holy Trinity
As with foreplay, which we’ve read about but obviously never practiced because let’s face it, what’s in it for us, you must ease your way into the realm of the ultimate man and this is how. When you are getting your sausage sucked, you must stroke your girls head twice, once stroking her hair back, then stroking it with both hands performing the classic ‘centre-parting’ manouevre. You have now completed the first two parts of the Holy Trinity. The final and most difficult move will need all your powers of guile and cunning, not to mention pure courage. For now you must pat her head twice and utter the immortal words “Gooooood girl, goooooood girl”. The key to this comment is that it MUST be done in the most patronising way possible or it just don’t count man. Complete this task and you will have taken the first steps on the road to enlightenment.
Step 2 – The Boast
Now, providing your chick hasn’t walked out on you (if she has then she’s a lesbian and not a player), get her to sit on your cock. While she’s bouncing like a frog with a bullet up its arse, whimpering and making a few excitable noises, the time is right to perform your next move. Place your arms behind your head and with the cheesiest grin you can muster, just nod your head and say “Yeah, I know”. The real pro’s among you will perform this manouevre in front of a full length mirror or while being videoed. But heed this warning – be careful not to laugh or you may ruin all the hard work you’ve put in so far.
Another tricky move for you but the road to enlightenment is not an easy one. Bend your chick over in front of the mirror, penetrate and perform but this time with a beer in your hand. The trick is to keep nailing until you get her in such a frenzy, she doesn’t even notice when you rest your beer on her back. You’re going to have to be on top form though as you don’t want her to notice the cold can on her back. Also, the true professional will not spill a drop! If you’re a real player you can perform The Beermat using bottled beer or a Bacardi Breezer which once empty can be inserted into your chicks chocolate tea-towel holder. Extra points are awarded for photographing or videoing this on your phone and distributing it to your mates.
Step 4 – The Grand Finale
If you have performed your duties and are still shagging, you are but one final question away from achieving legendary status. As you both head towards the summit of sexual ecstasy, you move closer and softly whisper in her ear “Who’s the Daddy?” This must be repeated at increased volume until, with skill and good fortune, you can get her to respond with the immortal words “You are!” at the top of her voice. Then and only then, you will be a man my son.