“I only tried to say hello” says local youth.
Report by our man with a yellow helmet, John Bollocks
Residents of the sleepy Buckinghamshire village of Haddenham, enjoying a quiet lunchtime walk or a sociable pint of real ale, were soon rushing for cover as an explosion at a petrol station tore through their picturesque village. The reason for the pyrotechnic peril is believed to be a local lad by the name of Mark Stow. Stow, was seen roaring away from the scene in his BMW shouting “Yipeekayaay Muthufucka” a la Bruce Willis in the Die Hard movies.
Eyewitnesses claim that in an act of almost Frank Spencer like tomfoolery, Stow, 98, attempted to converse with a local female resident by claiming he “went to school with her”. The young lady in question, who for obvious reasons (i.e. not wishing to be associated with Stow) wishes to remain nameless, maintained her dignity by ignoring his lascivious advances and going about her business. Outraged and embarrassed by this rebuff, Stow, 1, attempted to give chase but simply ran over the unfortunate forecourt attendant. Realising that he had an unusual and somewhat unique hood ornament for his vehicle, namely the attendant’s face smeared across his bonnet, Stow slammed his roaring automobile into reverse. Unfortunately for him, Stow, 63, caught the petrol pump as he veered backwards, ripping the nozzle from the pump and spilling highly flammable gasoline all over the forecourt. Realising his now precarious position and with a second attendant now on the scene shouting obscenities, Stow, 86, panicked and, trying to maintain some degree of street cred, span out of the garage before flicking his lit cigarette in the manner already described above. After that, there was only going to be one result.
As fire crews raced to the scene, police began scouring the county for traces of Stow and his gang of evil arsonists. The gang members, James ‘Mongoose’ Ridgley, Danny ‘Tom Cruise’ Zola and Simon ‘Peppered Euro House’ Grayson, are believed to be heading for London where the streets are paved with gold. Mongoose, who bears a striking resemblance to both Leonardo Di Caprio and Grossburger of off Stir Crazy, is said to be the most menacing of the gang. Police have warned the public not to approach the seven-foot, 18 stone colossus who is believed to shake like a shitting dog. They have warned that his almost snail like speed should not be underestimated as he does have the power to attack with the ferociousness of a grizzly bear or with the sheer power of a herd of stampeding wildebeest in an instant. Grayson, armed with a record deck and an attitude of highly volatile pepperiness, is also said to be somewhat unpredictable due to the array of crazy tunes thundering through his techno garbled mind and a sick aversion to watching Everton.
You have been warned.