Dear Dr. Quimm,
I’m worried about a friend of mine, Tom Carr as I feel he may be struggling with his sexuality.
My suspicions were aroused last month while on a fishing trip to France. I knew it was going to be quiet but I didn’t realise we were going to be miles away from any women. In fact, the only contact we had with anyone at all was when we went for our daily visit to ‘Super U’ to purchase our staple diet of pain au chocolat and Super U lager.
Initially I put Tom’s ‘odd behavior’ down to too much sun and beer but after several days of observation, I began to think he may be ‘late on the rent’. He would spend hours stripped to the waist sucking suggestively on his favourite ‘traffic light’ lollies all the while joking about ‘stroking his rod’. What finally sealed it for me was when one evening next to the fire he announced that his favourite film of all time was Brokeback Mountain. Naturally, for the remainder of the holiday I slept with my back to the wall and with one eye open!
Anyway I managed to keep my anal cherry and thought that maybe I had imagined it all – until we got back that is. Tom went on Facebook to take a ‘How gay are you?’ test and scored a whopping 67%. However, he’s just rung me and asked if I want to meet him for a sunbed so I reckon he must be at least 92% now!
How can I explain I’m not a shit stabber to him without ruining our friendship?
Russ, Haddenham, Bucks.
Dr. Quimm says:
Russ mate, I don’t think there’s any doubt that your man Tom is definitely a jobby jabber. It sounds to me like you were lucky to get back with your Mars fridge still functioning. Now there are several approaches you can take as regards explaining you prefer snatch to arse crack.
1 – Sit him down, explain you will always be a mate but you prefer pink to brown.
2 – Sit him down, explain that if he ever so much as sneaks a look at your arse while you’re at the bar you’ll take him out and nail his knackers to the nearest tree.
By the sounds of it though mate, you want to get yourself down to B&Q for a hammer and a bag of nails.