EXCLUSIVE! JEDWARD IN CAN’T SING SHOCK

By our man with a slack jaw and even slacker morals, Snooper van Minge

Hit ITV talent show the X Factor has been plunged into turmoil today as shocking revelations came to light amid claims that Irish twins John and Edward cannot sing. The pair who have consistently been the best performers in the live shows and have wowed audiences the world over, are apparently ‘unable to sing a note’.

A show insider said ‘This will come as a real shock to fans of Jedward as each week they have raised the bar for the other finalists with their performances which have been nothing short of spellbinding.’

Outside the X Factor house in London, bitter fans, some in tears, waved placards decrying their disappointment and chanted for the boys to be ejected from the competition. One broken-hearted teen, Melissa Flange sobbed ‘It’s so unfair. We feel so let down by the twins. We thought they were the real thing and now we feel like fools. First Michael Jackson, then Stephen Gately and now this – why does God punish us in this way.’

Details on exactly how the pair deceived the judges and public alike are sketchy at best, with some believing the bribing of technicians on the show may be one explanation. It’s understood that the twins mimed as they performed such memorable renditions of ‘She Bangs’ and ‘We will rock you’, the latter performance initially drawing praise from poodle-headed Queen guitarist Brian May. ‘That was a performance even Freddy would have been proud of’ he drooled at the time. ‘That really was up there with the best of them.’ Fellow musician and Knight of the Realm Sir Elton John also heaped praise on the pair saying ‘Those guys are out of this world’ he said. ‘They can sing, they can dance and it wouldn’t surprise me if they also turned out to be song writing geniuses as well. It’s almost as if the music runs through them, directing their every move in perfect time with the rhythm of the song. I can’t get enough of them’ he added. Despite rivalry between the X Factor and BBC’s ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ renowned judge Len Goodman last week revealed he would love to see the twins competing on the Beeb ‘The way these guys move is absolutely incredible. I could see them winning it, absolutely hands down’ he said.

But now it seems that Jedward are destined for the talent show scrap pile. Fellow contestants have shunned them and mentor Louis Walsh was this morning said to be ‘distraught’. Fellow Judge Danni Minogue told waiting journalists ‘This is a real shock for us all. We really thought we’d discovered a pair of siblings who could really push on from where The Proclaimers left off. They were such incredible performers; I don’t think any of us on the show can really take it in to be honest.’

PM Gordon Brown who yesterday revealed he was a fan of the show is today expected to raise the issue in Parliament during Prime Minister’s Questions later today and will seek the twins’ expulsion from the show as ‘a matter of National pride and importance’. Her Majesty the Queen is also said to be ‘deeply saddened’ by the news according to sources inside the Palace.

Whatever happens to John and Edward, this is a sad blight on the show which has brought us such pop phenomenons as Chico, Same Difference and Leon, all of whom were stars of the highest degree.

X-POSED! X FACTOR TWINS SECRET DAD REVEALED

By our man aghast, Snooper van Minge

As if the country wasn’t talking about them enough, shock new revelations about X Factor twins Jonathan and Edward look set to have tongues wagging even more. Startling new evidence has come to light which has revealed the twins are in fact the secret love children of 90’s rapper, Robert van Winkle aka Vanilla Ice.

The revelations came as the twins prepared for this week’s live show on Saturday night when they will be aiming to once again murder a song with their out of tune crooning while performing out of step dance routines for the (non) amusement of millions of viewers. It seems that Ice met the twins’ mother after a concert in Ireland in the early 90’s. After waiting by the stage door for an autograph of the star, it seems van Winkle did more than simply scribble his signature.

A show insider claims that this news had been kept under wraps until now but that intense media interest has meant details have been leaked to the press in order to maintain the media frenzy around the pair. ‘It’s true, show bosses have been aware of the parentage of the twins for some time’ confirmed the insider. ‘Initially we were shocked but looking at them and the way they behave, it’s absolutely clear that their heritage is beyond question.’

We asked top genetic scientist Mary Digestive from Scunthorpe Polytechnic what she made of the claims. ‘The likenesses between the twins and their alleged father are both striking and hard to ignore. Both acts are talentless beyond belief; both are annoying beyond compare and both have the same immovable belief that they are talented singers. When you add those ridiculous haircuts into the mix, it’s extremely hard to refute what on the face of it appears to be almost concrete evidence’ she said.

While the twins themselves were staying unusually tight-lipped about the scandal, show mentor Louis Walsh blamed the revelations on fellow judge Simon Cowell claiming they were intended merely to disrupt hi remaining group’s preparations. ‘This is just another example of Simon trying to upset my act because they are so good and he knows the public are behind them. Simon is scared because he knows that these boys are really talented and have a great chance of winning the competition. ‘

Cowell meanwhile was unavailable for comment as he was wiping his arse on £50 notes while sat on his solid gold toilet. However a spokesman for the music mogul confirmed he was ‘pissing his pants’ in response to Walsh’s comments.