Bolt In New Sprint Sensation – Accomplishes Time Travel Feat

By our man at the track, Wilf Kettle

Usain Bolt has amazed the Athletics world again this morning by using his unbelievable speed to actually travel through time. It seems that after winning Olympic Gold last Summer in Beijing, a team of top scientists have been working with the Jamaican sprinter to see exactly what his capabilities are.

 

Dr. Seymour Butz who has led the team described the results as “staggering” but believes “there is still more to come” from the human Cheetah. Speaking after Bolt shattered his own World Record at the weekend, Dr Butz told how Bolt had managed to finish a race before he actually started. “It was incredible” he said. “As the gun went there was a blaze of light and a large bang, typical of planes breaking the sound barrier. When we looked again, Usain had finished the race before his physical being had left the blocks. It really was astonishing.”

There are now plans to see whether Bolt is capable of travelling over longer distances or even back in time. “Our hope is that Usain can use his speed to travel back to specific points in time in a bid to avert tragedies such as Man United winning the treble, Germany winning any tournament ever or Newcastle getting relegated last season. I suppose we could also get him to look at stopping despots such as Stalin, Hitler or Margaret Thatcher too but really, stopping the Germans is a priority” said Butz.

Today though, Bolt was focusing solely on preparations for the heats of the 200m at the World Championships and would not be drawn on the proposed plans for time travel. “At the moment I’m only concentrating on my running. However, if I do go down the time travel route I fancy wearing one of them big hats and a scarf like Tom Baker did when he was Dr. Who. I might also pimp up the TARDIS a bit too, put some decent speakers in it and maybe a Jacuzzi for when I get some chicks in there. Yeh, that would be cool.”

Warnock & Jordan to Take Ball Home – Not Playing Anymore

By Boltvault’s Chief Football Correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Crystal Palace Manager Neil Warnock and his Chairman Simon Jordan have today threatened to take their ball home and not let anyone else play following a disallowed goal in their game at Bristol City at the weekend. The pair who are also considering not letting anyone play with their marbles, are said to be “incensed” after match officials incorrectly ruled the ball had not crossed the line during the Championship encounter.

The incident took place when Palace player Freddie Sears fired home on 30 minutes only to see his shot rebound off the stanchion. Match official Rob Shoebridge failed to spot the ball had crossed the line and awarded a goal kick causing Warnock to lose the plot. According to witnesses, serial-whinger and sulky little boy Warnock “had a bit of a paddy” and threw himself on the floor shouting “it’s not fair, it’s not fair.” Bristol City fan Mick Whelk described the incident as “bizarre” saying “Ooh arrr, he threw himself down alroight and didn’t look roight ‘appy bout it at aaaaall. It were quite odd behaviour oi thought, but then he is a bit of a knob head after aaaaalll so I probably should ‘ave seen it coming.”

Warnock’s display of child-like tantrums has been echoed by girly-haired Palace chairman Simon Jordan who is demanding the game be replayed. “I agree with Neil” said Jordan. “This is most unfair and I demand the game be replayed. And if they don’t let us I’m going to tell my mum and she’ll go up the school and get it sorted so there” he added. And this morning both, ahem, “men” remained steadfast in the belief that if things were not sorted, they would take their ball home and no-one could play with it. Jordan today announced  “if we can’t win then we’re not playing and as it’s our ball they won’t be able to play or they’ll have to buy one of those crap plastic floaters which spin all over the place when you kick it, hah!”

There was no sign of Warnock at his home this morning but a spokesman for the big girl issued the following statement: “Neil Warnock is extremely unhappy that the bigger boys from Bristol City have been cheating so he doesn’t want to play with them anymore. He’s also going to get his Dad to go round and see Gary Johnson the Bristol City manager to have a word with him because his Dad is way harder than Gary and could take him in a fight. In fact he could probably beat up Superman and the Incredible Hulk if he had to.”

However, the spokesman refused to answer questions about whether the FA would be taking action against Warnock for his comments or that possible punishments could include being made to sit on the naughty step or being grounded with no access to the Wii for a fortnight.

City announce latest bid

By Boltvault’s Chief Football correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Big spending Manchester City are set to stun the football world yet again in this week as they continue in their attempts to buy the Premier League title. Sources at Eastlands have sensationally revealed that the City hierarchy are planning an audacious bid to sign the Brazilian, Italian and Spanish national sides in a mega deal which will eclipse all previous transfer bids.

Boss Mark Hughes confirmed this morning that the board have given him the backing for the bid saying”Yes it’s true. The board have given me backing for the bid.” He expanded further by saying “We intend to work our way through the FIFA World Rankings until the title is ours and if we don’t get our first choice, we’ll simply move onto the next one and will continue to do so until a deal is done. That said though, we draw the line at Scotland.”

The news will send an already reeling football world in to freefall and with transfer fees already exorbitant in the wake of the Ronaldo deal, this latest announcement is sure to propel them even further into the stratosphere. This was evidenced this morning as John Brindle of Cricklewood signed schoolboy forms for Chelsea for a fee of £17m despite being just two years old and having never kicked a ball in his life. Proud father and football agent Steve Brindle said “Well it made perfect sense to me. He’s seen a ball and knows what a ball is so he’ll most probably be pretty good one day.”

Meanwhile back at Eastlands, City officials announced they are planning a spectacular community event at the stadium in November for fans and their families. A spokesman for the club revealed they would be holding a special Bonfire Night celebration in November where they intend to burn £10 billion. “It’s never been done before and we’re really looking forward to it” confirmed the spokesman who continued by saying “We’ll be handing out wads of cash to supporters who will be encouraged to throw them on the fire. We feel his will really cement our position as the World’s richest club. You certainly won’t find the red half of Manchester in a position to do this.”

When told of the plans, Sir Alex Ferguson simply giggled.

And this just in – it seems Newcastle United are to follow suit and work their way through the FIFA Rankings in their bid to secure a return to the top flight. However, due to their current money worries they will be taking a bottom up approach and are currently in negotiations with Papua New Guinea who are ranked 203rd in the World.

Ronaldo to Real in £80m deal

By Boltvault’s chief sports correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Manchester United have today confirmed they have accepted a bid of £80 million for Portuguese winger Christiano Ronaldo. The greasy, sulky, cheating little twat has repeatedly requested a move during his time at United but, due to a recent increase in child-like tantrum throwing and Real Madrid’s gross over-estimation of his value, United boss Sir Alex Ferguson felt the time was right to sell the player. A United spokesman said that Ferguson was unavailable for comment as he was “laughing uncontrollably” at the frankly ridiculous fee. The spokesman said ‘Sir Alex would like to thank Christiano for the opportunity to swell the Old Trafford coffers and buy players who will actually display some loyalty to the club. As soon as he stops laughing at the amount of money those dopey twats at Real have agreed to spend, he will draw up a list of transfer targets which should annoy the Scousers who can’t afford to spend this Summer.’

Former team mates of Ronaldo appear to be equally pleased with the deal which looks set to be concluded by June 30th. One player who asked not to be named but who looked like Shrek and was sporting the world’s most ridiculous beard said ‘I’m well pleased to see the back of the tosser. I’ve been pissing in his Lucozade Sport and wiping my arse with his towel since he got me sent of on England duty that time. I’ve also run through his mum so I feel well vindicated now.’ Another player who also asked not to be named claimed the dressing room would be ‘a safer place’ as a result of Ronaldo’s departure. He said ‘To be honest it was a nightmare with Ronny. People were always tripping over the dummies he kept spitting out when the Boss subbed him or criticized a poor pass. Also, he kept spilling his juice and people kept slipping in it so we had to get him some of them Tommee Tippee cups, you know the ones you can drop and nothing comes out.
That plus the milk and rusks he kept spilling was a right pain. They’ll also be more room now that his play pen will be removed.’

Ronaldo himself was also unavailable for comment due to his dedicated preening ritual which he undertakes on a daily basis. The oily tosser spends an estimated 8 hours a day perfecting his arrogant poses in front of a mirror ready for goal celebrations. He then spends an additional 3 hours at a local dance studio where he practices his balletic falls ready for match days should an opponent come within a five yard radius of the slimy little scrote.

However there was one twist in the tale from Spain today when it emerged club doctors at the Bernabeu are concerned over the medical arrangements for Ronaldo. It appears doctors are worried that there is not a hospital or clinic in the world large enough to accomodate the cocky, posturing, poseur’s ego. Dr. Noway Jose confirmed the fears stating ‘We may have to build an even larger clinic or perform the medical outside to cope with the size of Ronaldo’s gargantuan ego. His head has already swelled to 18 times its normal size and we expect this to continue. God help him when he scores, his head may explode.’

This afternoon fans were gathering outside Old Trafford, not to voice dissent but to thank the United hierarchy for letting the money-grabbing, glory boy go. One fan, Ashley Elliot from Weatherfield and had come directly from his butchers shop said in an inordinately high-pitched squeaky voice ‘We’re well glad to see t’back of him. He were nowt but a glory boy and happen Fergie can get some proper players in instead. I know he were a hit with some of the ladies but my Claire, she hated him.’ Another fan, Dave Unemployable from Moss Side summed up the thoughts of most fans though simply saying ‘He’s a c**t.’