IT’S SNOW JOKE! LATEST TERROR PLOT UNCOVERED

By our man with his hands in a muff, John Bollocks.

MI5 has today revealed the cold snap which has seen the UK grind almost to a standstill in recent days, is the result of the latest fiendish terror plot by Islamic extremists. A spokesman for the security service, Tom Tit, claimed that a terror cell based in Kilmarnock, Scotland, has been churning out bad weather via a cutting edge weather machine constructed in a garage.

Mr. Tit explained how a modified Mr. Frosty ice maker had been discovered after a tip off from worried neighbours who spotted several Asian men acting suspiciously around the garage after dark. Anti-terror squad officers raided the garage following a period of observation and discovered the machine along with a three-foot Percy Penguin and a selection of giant ice lolly moulds. The spokesman also confirmed that three men in their twenties were arrested at the scene and are currently being held in separate police stations.

“This was a particularly sinister plot designed to cripple the country and cause as much chaos as possible” said Mr. Tit. “Knowing that half a pound of sugar spilling from a shopping bag is enough to cause major road closures in the South East, these men went a step further and unleashed a series of weather fronts which brought the country to its knees. They spent their evenings shovelling ice into a giant plastic snowman, not with the intention of producing multi-coloured ice lollies and crushed ice beverages, but to cause misery and suffering to millions of innocent people.”

It seems the device had been hooked up to an industrial pump and a large piece of plastic tubing which caused the contents of Mr Frosty’s stomach to be propelled into the sky. Reacting with the low temperatures and moisture in the clouds, this caused the formation of snow clouds which combined with favourable winds believed to be created by a small man on a radio antennae waving a piece of cardboard, then went on to push the freak front down the country.

Former weather man and owner of questionable jumpers Michael Fish described the machine as “remarkable”.  “Who’d off thought it?” he said. “My children had one of these in the 80’s but all they managed to achieve was a slightly slushy, fruity drink which ruined my carpet when they spilled the contents while watching a particularly exciting episode of Dogtanian & the Three Muskehounds. It really is quite remarkable” he continued.

It appears this isn’t the first time that snow has featured in a terror plot. Details have been revealed in the ongoing enquiry into the war in Iraq that the Saddam Hussein regime concealed integral parts of weapons of mass destruction in snow drifts knowing the Western aversion to the frozen substance. It’s alleged that UN inspectors in the region were seen scratching their heads and shrugging their shoulders when faced with the drifts which were in some places up to three inches deep. Instead the inspectors halted the search in the area until gritters and snow ploughs could be located. They also closed local schools and stockpiled produce from the local supermarkets in case they were forced to stay in their hotels for a sustained period of time.

Met Office Wrong Shocker – “Oops” says spokesman

By our man in a cagoule, John Bollocks

Its official, the Met Office cannot predict the weather. In a shock announcement this morning the boffins, who for decades have tried in vain to predict rain or shine, finally admitted they were a shower of shit. Having previously predicted a “barbeque summer”, the Met Office changed their forecast following sightings of a large wooden boat filled with pairs of every species of animal on the planet. And as rain poured down across the UK and thousands of holidaymakers were stuck in their caravans, tents and B&B’s, a spokesman for the Met Office said “Actually, we think there might be a spot of rain after all.”

Famed for its high-tech weather prediction methods such as worshipping of the Egyptian Sun God Ra, praying to the Nordic God of thunder and lightning Thor and waving bits of seaweed around while dancing naked round a bonfire and sacrificing chickens, the agency is said to be “shocked” that they have once again buggered up the forecast for the summer. Spokesman Jim Wiggins said “This really is astonishing. Why only last week the magic beans we have been using most recently in our forecasting told us we were heading for a drought so we are really shocked by this continued period of wet weather. I can only assume that perhaps one of the beans may have been faulty.”

However, another theory put forward places the blame firmly at the feet of a youth group in Chichester. It seems that the Bromley Road Youth Theatre has been practicing a play portraying the lives of Native American Indians. The play apparently features a scene in which the children perform a rain dance, traditionally performed by the Indians in an attempt to bring forth the rain in times of extreme drought. With the group practicing daily for the past few weeks, the Met Office believes this may be a major influence on current conditions. “Oh well there you go then” said Jim Wiggins when told of the play. “I mean you can hardly expect us to get it right when you have amateur dramatical groups performing rain dances willy-nilly across the country now can you? Thank goodness it wasn’t the beans though. I was quite worried for a minute there.”