New Cancer Shock – Being Alive Increases Risk

Special report by Boltvault physician, Dr. Julian Quimm.

Coming hot on the heels of the announcement this morning that an increase in oral cancer has been linked somewhat tenuously to alcohol, scientists at the privately funded Bob Cratchett Biolabs have today confirmed that not being dead can increase the risk of contracting cancer in some form by 100%. Dr. Sebastian Saniflo claims that his research “proves beyond all doubt” that if you are alive you are much more likely to suffer from the disease than if you are dead.

“Nobody can argue with my findings” claimed Dr. Saniflo. “I have performed tests on over 100 dead people and exposed them to overhead pylons, radioactive waste, alcohol, cigarettes, sunbeds and even those little foam shrimps you can get at the pick and mix in the cinema. I can unequivocally confirm that not one of the rotting corpses suffered even the mildest form of cancer. However, when I performed the same tests on live human subjects, the results were different altogether. Almost 75% contracted cancer in form or another while 20% were fryed alive on the pylons I was using. This also proves another theory of mine that high voltage electricity is more deadly to live people than dead ones. Frankly, simply by breathing you are playing Russian Roulette with your very life” he said.

The findings of Dr. Saniflo were greeted with suspicion in some quarters, in particular by members of the foam shrimp production industry. Mark Wheeltrim, spokesman for sweet-maker Haribo claimed that “there was no link whatsoever” between the little pink goodies and the deadly disease. “It’s simply not true” said Wheeltrim. He continued “Unfortunately this is just another scare tactic designed to scare people witless about what they eat or drink or how they spend their leisure time. We firmly refute any link and while we’re on the subject, I can also confirm that eating too many foam bananas’ does not turn your knob yellow or adopt a banana-like shape which was a previous claim by this so-called authority.”

Members of the medical community were less sceptical though. Dr. Wilber Porksword of Guys Hospital London described Dr. Saniflo’s findings as “very interesting”. Said Dr. Porksword “These findings are quite remarkable and should not be discounted. Quite simply it has never occurred to the medical profession as a whole that by being alive you are at increased risk of contracting just about any disease around. Clearly further research is necessary but it may well be that we can investigate the impact of diseases such as AIDS and Malaria on live subjects as opposed to dead ones. I wouldn’t mind betting that it’s virtually impossible for a dead person to catch AIDS but we’ll have to wait and see.”

The Government meanwhile, always keen to jump on the back of any bandwagon, has ordered the production of informative leaflets which will be delivered to every household in Britain warning of the dangers that being alive can pose. The leaflets entitled “Better off Dead?” will give recipients useful information on how best to avoid disease by being dead and in turn, the most effective methods of doing themselves in. Gordon Brown is expected to address Parliament on the subject in Prime Ministers Questions this afternoon urging Britons to consider death as an alternative to the spread of pandemics such as Swine Flu. A spokesman for Mr. Brown said this morning that “This could really get us out of a hole. With pension provision completely inadequate and the spiralling costs of administering the NHS, a spate of national suicides could really help to decrease the surplus population and ensure ministers like myself and the PM who are too yellow-bellied to consider suicide, will retire on gargantuan pensions in the future. Result!”

Public Warned of Sunbed Terror – “They Are Out There Watching” Say Police

By our man on the front line, John Bollocks.

Police have today warned the public to remain vigilant after gangs of angry young sunbeds took to the streets following accusations they were “more dangerous than tobacco”. The gangs have caused havoc in precincts and leisure centres up and down the country, destroying property and attacking innocent bystanders and there is no sign of the violence stopping.

The first reported incident took place inside the Tango Tanning Salon in Huddersfield on Wednesday morning after the International Agency for Research into Cancer (IARC) declared “there is no doubt sunbeds cause cancer.” On hearing the news, Arnold the resident sunbed in the salon “went berserk” and “grilled” the unfortunate client who was in the middle of a 15 minute session. “It were ‘orrible” said eyewitness and salon employee Vicky Moir, 19. “One minute Mrs. Etherington were in t’middle of her session, next she were screaming as Arnold clamped reet down on her. There were nowt we could do to get her out. When he did let go she looked like she’d been cooked in one of them George Foreman thingies.”

And this sort of incident is occurring across the country. Scores of people have been attacked and businesses destroyed as hordes of sunbeds run riot, attacking indiscriminately and razing properties to the ground. The Eden Walk shopping centre in Kingston-upon-Thames was today in flames after a group of sunbeds petrol-bombed several stores. It was the same story at The Oracle in Reading where police were at a stand off with approximately 30 sunbeds who had taken a number of diners hostage in Nando’s.

We managed to speak to one gang leader ‘Ollie’ who claimed the sunbeds were just “standing up for themselves” and that ironically, they were the real victims. “It’s not on” he said. “We’ve selflessly helped people turn orange and age before their time for years and this is how they repay us. If it weren’t for us, footballers wives would look like that ginger bird off Girls Aloud and Jordan would look transparent. So now we’re fighting for what’s right no matter what price we have to pay.” And in a chilling threat which shook this reporter to his very bones Ollie warned “the streets will run red with the blood of the sunbed-hating infidels.”

As darkness fell tonight and Britain’s inner cities were still ablaze, Police were warning members of the public not to approach the sunbeds but to seek refuge and to alert the appropriate authorities. Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson advised the public that “everything that could be done was being done” but that “it would be some time” before the situation was brought back under control.