X-POSED! X FACTOR TWINS SECRET DAD REVEALED

By our man aghast, Snooper van Minge

As if the country wasn’t talking about them enough, shock new revelations about X Factor twins Jonathan and Edward look set to have tongues wagging even more. Startling new evidence has come to light which has revealed the twins are in fact the secret love children of 90’s rapper, Robert van Winkle aka Vanilla Ice.

The revelations came as the twins prepared for this week’s live show on Saturday night when they will be aiming to once again murder a song with their out of tune crooning while performing out of step dance routines for the (non) amusement of millions of viewers. It seems that Ice met the twins’ mother after a concert in Ireland in the early 90’s. After waiting by the stage door for an autograph of the star, it seems van Winkle did more than simply scribble his signature.

A show insider claims that this news had been kept under wraps until now but that intense media interest has meant details have been leaked to the press in order to maintain the media frenzy around the pair. ‘It’s true, show bosses have been aware of the parentage of the twins for some time’ confirmed the insider. ‘Initially we were shocked but looking at them and the way they behave, it’s absolutely clear that their heritage is beyond question.’

We asked top genetic scientist Mary Digestive from Scunthorpe Polytechnic what she made of the claims. ‘The likenesses between the twins and their alleged father are both striking and hard to ignore. Both acts are talentless beyond belief; both are annoying beyond compare and both have the same immovable belief that they are talented singers. When you add those ridiculous haircuts into the mix, it’s extremely hard to refute what on the face of it appears to be almost concrete evidence’ she said.

While the twins themselves were staying unusually tight-lipped about the scandal, show mentor Louis Walsh blamed the revelations on fellow judge Simon Cowell claiming they were intended merely to disrupt hi remaining group’s preparations. ‘This is just another example of Simon trying to upset my act because they are so good and he knows the public are behind them. Simon is scared because he knows that these boys are really talented and have a great chance of winning the competition. ‘

Cowell meanwhile was unavailable for comment as he was wiping his arse on £50 notes while sat on his solid gold toilet. However a spokesman for the music mogul confirmed he was ‘pissing his pants’ in response to Walsh’s comments.

DRUGS, HOOKERS AND BOOZE – WHAT HAPPENED NEXT TO THE CADBURY’S GORILLA

By our man with a large banana, Snooper van Minge
 
He was the Gorilla with the world at his feet. A national TV star who wowed the nation with his drumming abilities but now sadly, that is a distant memory for chocolate bar front man Dave Skelton. For now instead of performing in front of sell-out crowds and appearing in-between our favourite TV shows, Dave has been reduced to dressing up and worse in order to make ends meet.
 
Plucked from obscurity by Cadbury advertising executives searching for an innovative new campaign for their chocolate ads, Dave was catapulted to stardom when viewers saw him performing a rendition of the Phil Collins hit, ‘In the air tonight’. “His drumming, timing and performance as a whole is impeccable” said baldy has-been Collins at the time. Within days of the commercial airing, Dave was receiving literally sacks of fan mail. “It all happened so fast” lamented Dave. “No-one tells you how these things can snow ball. One minute I’m sat in the monkey house at London Zoo picking my arse and peeing on myself for the amusement of the visitors, the next I’m in the penthouse suite of the Ritz opening packets of knickers that lady gorilla’s have sent me. It’s an adjustment you’re just not prepared for” he explained.

 
As his popularity grew, so did the demands of his adoring public and soon Dave was on a ceaseless conveyor belt of public appearances, and present at a host of social events. Inevitably, the stress became too much and after an incident following his appearance on daytime TV show This Morning, Dave cracked. “It was horrendous” sobbed Dave. “After the show I was in the green room on my own when a runner passed me a message saying Fern wanted to see me in her dressing room. I thought maybe she wanted an autograph or something.” But Fern was after something much more than an autograph as Dave explained. “I went in and she was draped over a sofa wearing nothing but a smile and an ape mask. She was playing suggestively with a banana and in the background I could hear ‘In the Jungle’ playing. Nothing can prepare you for something like that and I just ran. The next thing I knew I was in my hotel room snorting cocaine, drinking and knocking one out to Gorilla’s in the Mist.”

 
But things were to get much worse for Dave. Because of his increasing dependency on cocaine and banana liqueur, he began arriving late for public appearances or failed to turn up at all. Eventually the Cadbury bosses decided enough was enough and terminated his contract. “I woke up in my hotel room, a lady Chimpanzee on either side of me and with a savage hangover. The TV was on and was showing the new Cadbury’s ad only I wasn’t in it. I couldn’t believe it. Instead there were these two little freaks raising their eyebrows to some annoying electro beat. I’d been dumped and this was how I found out.” Dave’s reaction was to trash the hotel room in which he was staying and was soon arrested after the management called police. This was the first in a series of brushes with the law but Dave was unwilling or unable to mend his ways. “I was just so angry” he explained. “I felt used an abused and I just didn’t care anymore”.
 
Still harbouring a cocaine habit, Dave has been reduced to taking part in lab tests or making appearances at gaming events dressing up as Donkey Kong to make ends meet. “It’s demeaning I’ll admit” he said. “I don’t mind smoking 60 fags a day in the lab to be honest. Funny enough I don’t even mind when they squirt perfume in my eyes or apply a bit of lippy but the gaming thing, that’s pretty bad. Still, I haven’t been reduced to shagging Fern for a fix so I should be thankful for that I suppose.”

New Images of Jackson ‘Ghost’ Released!

By our man covered in ectoplasm, Snooper van Minge

New images have been released of the ghostly figure recently spotted by a film crew inside the former home of Michael Jackson. CNN footage showed a mysterious shadow, believed by some to be the King of Pop, as they filmed inside the Neverland Ranch over the weekend. The release of this new image is regarded by some as conclusive proof that Jacko is still walking the corridors of his former home.

The ghost was captured by long-time Jackson fan and professional ‘Ghostbuster’, Dr. Ray Stantz. Stantz it seems was invited to investigate claims of a haunting at the ranch at the request of the Jackson family. Along with his fellow Ghostbusters, Dr. Egon Spengler, Dr. Peter Venkman and Winston Zeddmore and armed with state of the art proton packs, the Ghostbusters scoured the building in search of evidence of paranormal activity – and they were not to be disappointed.

“We found a lot of ectoplasmic residue, mainly in Michael’s former bedroom where he entertained young boys, although it seems this had been there for some time and had mostly dried up” explained Ghostbusters spokesman Dr. Venkman. “However, as we made our way through the property we were confronted with the spine-chilling image captured by Ray. I haven’t seen anything quite like this since we took on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man back in ‘84” he said.

It’s not clear as yet what the next steps will be in terms of removing the spectre from the property, if indeed it is removed at all. It seems there is some division within the Jackson family as to whether or not the ghost should be removed with Michael’s father Joe Jackson convinced it should remain so he can crudely cash in some more on the death of his son. In addition to this, there are concerns as to whether the ‘ghost’ is genuine or not so the family lawyers are believed to be considering the help of a group of young fans, renowned for their experience in this field.

The group who travel from place to place in their van, ‘The Mystery Machine’ and who use their trusty dog ‘Scooby’ to help them solve mysteries are rumoured to be on their way to the ranch and it appears they have an exemplary track record in solving strange occurrences such as this. In a statement from his federal penitentiary cell, Old Man Jefferson who attempted to swindle Mrs. Perkins out of her rightful ownership of  the ‘Haunted’ Sawmill said “I would have got away with it too if hadn’t have been for those pesky kids.”

Whatever the outcome, frankly it comes as no surprise to this reporter that once again the rooms and corridors of Neverland are being walked by a strange and mysterious creature who scares the shit out of small children.

Murray injury scare – Star rushed to Hospital

By our man with his balls in his hands, Snooper van Minge

There were fears this morning that Andrew Murray’s Wimbledon dream could be over after the tennis ace was rushed to hospital in the early hours. While Murray Mania swept across the country in the wake of last night’s defeat of Stanistas Wawrinka, the young Brit was lying on a hospital bed in agony as doctors examined him.

It seems the extreme heat on Centre Court, compounded by the closure of the roof for the first time, took it’s toll on Murray as he battled his way through a five-set thriller. In a scenario no-one could have foreseen, doctors were astounded to see that Murray’s testicles had swelled to space-hopper-like proportions rendering the 22 year-old Scot unable to walk and in extreme distress.

An orderly at the Vinnie Jones Memorial Hospital in Wimbledon described the scene; “Murray was wheeled in on a trolley sobbing his heart out” he explained. “There were doctors and nurses rushing round frantically trying to help him but to be honest I don’t think anyone quite knew what to expect. When the sheet covering Andy was removed there were gasps of amazement. His bollocks were simply huge. I don’t think anyone had ever seen anything quite like it – one nurse even fainted.”

Early indications are that seminal fluid within Murray’s normally average-sized knackers was heated almost to boiling point which in turn caused the scrotal tissue to expand rapidly. This resulted in a condition known as ‘Conkerus Boilus Extremis’ or Boiled Conkers Syndrome. Resident Boltvault physician Dr Julian Quimm explains; “BCS as we call it within the medical profession can occur in environments where unusually high temperatures are prevalent such as the jungle or the desert for example, or maybe a Vietnamese knocking shop. The fluid within the scrotum heats rapidly causing discomfort and swelling to the testicular area. Ordinarily the scrotum, usually baggy enough to accommodate such changes in size, will stretch accordingly but in extreme cases the results can be devastating as Andy appears to have discovered. “

A spokesman for the hospital this afternoon confirmed that Murray has been admitted during the night and that while he had been treated for a “rare condition” he was “on the road to recovery.” When pressed as to whether Murray would be able to play his quarter-final match on Wednesday, the spokesman stated only that “the next 24 hours were crucial.”

However, Dr. Quimm was more sceptical, especially given the painful treatment Murray was likely to have received. “I think it’s extremely doubtful Andy will be able to continue” he warned. “To reduce the swelling staff will have had to drain the testicles and if the fluid levels and swelling were as bad as we are led to believe, they could only have done this with a hose from a fire truck or an industrial suction pump. Having one of those clamped to your nuts is no joke let me tell you.”

He continued “The problem isn’t necessarily reducing the swelling; it’s what to do with the excess sack, post-fluid reduction. In most cases people end up with bollocks looking like a granny’s elbow but he’s going to have a sack like the ears of an African Elephant after this and will require further surgery to have it removed. I can’t see that happening before Wednesday and I bet there’s not a pair of shorts in the world which can cope with that amount of excess skin. Frankly it would be like cramming a carpet into a handkerchief.”

As news of Murray’s injury spread, well-wishers gathered outside the hospital to offer their support and to generally inhibit the smooth running of the hospital by crowding round the entrance and sobbing along the surrounding pavements. One jobless lay-about attired in garish Union Flag garb sobbed uncontrollably until she was hit on the head with a truncheon as part of the Police’s usual tactics for crowd control.

Meanwhile a Wimbledon spokesman said that a decision on the star’s participation would be made later today. A nation waits expectantly…..

Davina McCall bursts own ear drums – ‘Star’ hospitalised

By our man who couldn’t give a toss, Snooper van Minge

Big Brother presenter and part-time foghorn Davina McCall has been admitted to hospital after bursting her own ear drums while shouting. The ‘star’ was rushed to hospital after Friday night’s show which saw some celebrity-hungry, mentally challenged freak of nature evicted from the Big Brother House. McCall, 67 was apparently trying to make the ailing show more exciting by breaking her own decibel rating record when her cacophonous roar shattered her inner ear leaving her shaking like a shitting dog on the BB stage.

The roar which experts likened to the launch of a Saturn Five rocket launch, shattered camera’s, windows and people’s spectacles and also interrupted transmission for several minutes. Channel Four it seems were unconcerned though as no-one watching actually noticed such is the lack of interest in this piss-poor excuse for entertainment.

As paramedics rushed to the aid of McCall and injured crowd members, the self-obsessed wailing banshee was only interested in discovering whether or not the viewing figures had improved or she had broken the record she set when Jade Goody was evicted back in January 2007. During that particular show she launched such a high-pitched screech that wardens in Battersea Dogs Home reported seeing crazed canines climbing the walls as the sound wave hit, shitting and pissing all over the place and in some cases, gnawing off their own ears in an attempt to escape the noise.

This time round though and despite an increase in volume, it appears even the sight of Davina lying face down and with blood pouring from her ears will not be enough to save the show. Despite the inclusion of such “diverse and interesting” contestants as Dogface, Halfwit and Wolverine-a-like, Marcus, the viewing figures continue to plummet and it seems certain the end is near for BB. This has placed organisations such as The Samaritans on red alert, bracing themselves as they are for literally dozens of calls from teenage serial texters and Rice-Crispie-gorging crack-heads up and down the country facing a future without grainy images of people sleeping for eight hours a day.

Max Clingfilm who heads up a call centre in Milton Keynes revealed they have taken on extra staff to deal with the expected increase. “We realise the impact the loss of Big Brother could have on the lives of sad wankers up and down the country so we’ve prepared accordingly,” explained Mr. Clingfilm. He continued: “To cope with the increase we’ve hired a pensioner for an hour a week to deal with the calls. We don’t anticipate her being much busier than that. The rest of our efforts will be concentrated on helping real people with real issues instead of these sad losers who frankly would be no loss to society anyway.”

While McCall was said to be “inconsolable” today as she recovered in hospital faced as she was with the prospect of losing her gig and being forced to return to God-awful Garnier adverts, normal members of the public were apparently unconcerned at the prospect of the show being pulled. This was succinctly summed up by Mr. Joe Flannel of Grimbsy who, when asked about the demise of the show answered “So fucking what?”

Sir Alan Sugar in a right Carry On

By our man under the boardroom table, Snooper van Minge.

The final of this years Apprentice show has been thrown into doubt after allegations of sexual harassment by the two remaining contestants. Finalists Kate Walsh and Yasmina Siadatan were said to be shocked and appalled by the behaviour of Sir Alan Sugar who after the pair were revealed as finalists, offered them more than simple business advice on how to succeed.

Brummie Kate described how Sugar was anything but sweet as he launched into a series of double entenres aimed at her and fellow would-be apprentice, Yasmina. "Just after the cameras stopped rolling he called us back into the boardroom. We thought it was to congratulate us but far from it. The first thing he said when we walked in was Phwooooaaaar! He was sat there fumbling with himself under the table and making all sorts of lewd comments" she said.

Said Yasmina "He made several suggestions about my restaurant saying I should have more fruit on the menu as I had access to a cracking pair. He couldn’t stop staring at my boobs and claimed I’d have to be careful on the amounts I purchased because I wouldn’t get many of those to the pound. ‘He then started cackling like Sid James off the Carry On movies."

Kate then described how Sugar, 91, invited her to perform secretarial duties asking her to ‘take something down for him’. "He asked me whether my shorthand was better with my left or right hand and then said "sod it; talk into this" before getting his knob out. I was really shocked as this isn’t what I expected from a Knight of the Realm and a business magnate".

The pair allege the scene then descended into a scene reminiscent of the Carry On films as Sir Alan went into a fit of yak, yak, yak cackles while stooges Margaret and Nick fell about like regular Carry On stalwarts Hattie Jaques and Bernard Bresslaw. "It was astounding" said Yasmina. "They were just beside themselves as Sir Alan cackled away and kept pressing this button on the table which made all sorts of suggestive sounds such as rulers twanging and various badoing-type noises. I know he looks like Sid James but this is ridiculous." 

While bosses at the BBC, still reeling from the Jonathan Ross / Russell Brand scandal attempted to play down the incident insisting that the final would still be screened next Sunday evening, Sir Alan would not be drawn on the incident saying only "Cor, look the thru penny’s on that, blimey, yak, yak, yak" as a well proportioned female walked past him.