Latest readers letters

Dear Boltvault,

I once had a shit and when I looked down the pan I realised it looked just like the Queen of England. I suppose when I pulled the chain it was a Royal Flush!

Herr E Pie, Munich

 

Dear Boltvault,

I once dipped my 'Old Man' into a can of wood-preserver. Did it preserve it? Did it buggery - it fell off! Do I win $10?

Creo Sote, USA

 

Dear Boltvault,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms. I recently went into my local DIY store which boasted the ability to 'Do It All'. Imagine my surprise then when having asked the shop assistant if they could come round my house and completely renovate it, they told me that was not a service they offered. Surely this is against the Trade Descriptions Act? Do It All? Do Fuck All more like.

Ron Seal, Lemsip-on-Sea

 

Dear Boltvault,

Please be careful when masturbating at the window of the local nursing college. Far from falling backwards slowly to the sound of a trumpet going wah, wah, waaaaah a la the 'Carry On' films, I fell backwards onto the concrete laid car park smashing several vertebrae and fell into a coma for six months.

I can confirm that following my recovery I was not laid up in a hospital with small blonde birds with massive tits laughing a lot and calling me "saucy", rather I was in the hospital wing in the Scrubs with a seven foot black nurse called Leon who keeps offering me a bed bath. Curse you Carry On Team, curse you all!

Mr. Hugh G Rection, HMP Wormwood Scrubs

 

Dear Boltvault,

Travelers beware! Do not fall for the old adage 'When in Rome'. While on holiday last summer I began slaughtering Christians and feeding thieves to lions as the ancient Romans once did. Far from receiving the thumbs up from mighty Caesar, I have been incarcerated ever since.

What did the Romans do for us? They fucked me right up the arse, as did Lorenzo in the showers last night!

Bob Ajob, Cell 4, Block 7, Rome Gaol.

 

Dear Boltvault,

Motorists beware! I was recently driving down the M6 when I chanced to notice a sign at the side of the road warning of the dangers of driving when tired. Imagine my surprise then, when as a result of reading this sign and not looking at the road, I ploughed into the back of the stationary traffic ahead of me causing a pile up akin to the type seen in the classic 1980 movie 'The Blues Brothers' starring Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi.

Far from saving lives this sign caused death and injury to an estimated 45 men women and children. Well done to the Highways Agency and their road safety campaign. Bastards.

I P Freely, Wigan

 

Dear Boltvault,

As you can see, I have a humorous surname. What makes it all the funnier is the fact that I have never touched a plank in my life as I am allergic to wood! Do I win a prize?

Frank Plank, Bridgeport

 

Dear Boltvault,

I feel my name is more humorous than Frank Plank as I not only have nails on the end of my fingers, but due to a freak accident in B&Q where I plunged my hands into my pockets after shoplifting hardware from my local store, I also have 3 inch steel nails under my natural ones. Now I can climb trees and the sides of buildings with ease.

Gail Nail, Cardiff