HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED FOLLOWING LIVERPOOL DEFEAT. RIB INJURIES INCREASE TENFOLD

By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks.
 
Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew at Anfield as Liverpool were knocked out of the FA Cup in their replay against Reading.
 
Dr. Rick Shaw of St. Fergie’s hospital, Manchester said that a large number of local residents had arrived in A&E after the match suffering from a variety of injuries. “A number of patients complained of rib and abdominal pain which at first we attributed to falls in the snow and ice. However, as we investigated further it became apparent that the injuries were consistent with heavy and prolonged bouts of excessive laughter.
 
“In addition to these injuries, we also experienced instances where fully grown adults had spontaneously urinated or defecated in their trousers” he continued.
 
It seems that large swathes of the population were laughing so ferociously at the latest in a series of mishaps to blight the season of Liverpool FC, that the injuries witnessed by Dr. Shaw were replicated at doctor’s surgeries and emergency departments across the UK. GP’s this morning reported rises of up to 150% as injured people arrived at their surgeries. “This is worse than anything we have seen during the recent bout of bad weather” said GP, Bill Derbear.
 
One patient, Phil Yerboots, 49 from Greater Manchester could still barely speak when we interviewed him. In between bouts of laughter he simply managed to say “The scousers, they’re just shit. And they thought they were going to win the league this season – they couldn’t beat a man with one leg in an arse kicking competition haahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
 
As businesses already counting the cost of employees failing to arrive at work due to the snow braced themselves for more absenteeism, questions were raised as to the conduct of the Liverpool team and the club itself. Sports Minister Gerry Sutcliffe has even questioned whether or not Liverpool should be banned from playing any more matches this season in an attempt to reduce further injury.
 
“It’s clear that the performance of the Liverpool team last night has caused widespread hysterical and maniacal laughter across the country” he said. “This has massively impacted the ability of the nation as a whole to function properly and the team and the club as a whole has to face up to its responsibilities. I will therefore be lobbying for the Premier League to suspend any further matches in order to prevent further embarrassment and loss of earnings.”

 
When told of Mr. Sutcliffe’s plans, Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez told waiting reporters “It’s not fair.  I’m trying my best but it looks like I’ve been found out for only having two players in the team who are any good, and even Stevie [Steven Gerrard] doesn’t love me any more. If it wasn’t for my dear, dear Fernando [Torres] I don’t know what I’d do.” At this point Benitez sobbed uncontrollably, stopping only briefly to kiss a framed picture of Torres dressed as a matador.

City announce latest bid

By Boltvault’s Chief Football correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Big spending Manchester City are set to stun the football world yet again in this week as they continue in their attempts to buy the Premier League title. Sources at Eastlands have sensationally revealed that the City hierarchy are planning an audacious bid to sign the Brazilian, Italian and Spanish national sides in a mega deal which will eclipse all previous transfer bids.

Boss Mark Hughes confirmed this morning that the board have given him the backing for the bid saying”Yes it’s true. The board have given me backing for the bid.” He expanded further by saying “We intend to work our way through the FIFA World Rankings until the title is ours and if we don’t get our first choice, we’ll simply move onto the next one and will continue to do so until a deal is done. That said though, we draw the line at Scotland.”

The news will send an already reeling football world in to freefall and with transfer fees already exorbitant in the wake of the Ronaldo deal, this latest announcement is sure to propel them even further into the stratosphere. This was evidenced this morning as John Brindle of Cricklewood signed schoolboy forms for Chelsea for a fee of £17m despite being just two years old and having never kicked a ball in his life. Proud father and football agent Steve Brindle said “Well it made perfect sense to me. He’s seen a ball and knows what a ball is so he’ll most probably be pretty good one day.”

Meanwhile back at Eastlands, City officials announced they are planning a spectacular community event at the stadium in November for fans and their families. A spokesman for the club revealed they would be holding a special Bonfire Night celebration in November where they intend to burn £10 billion. “It’s never been done before and we’re really looking forward to it” confirmed the spokesman who continued by saying “We’ll be handing out wads of cash to supporters who will be encouraged to throw them on the fire. We feel his will really cement our position as the World’s richest club. You certainly won’t find the red half of Manchester in a position to do this.”

When told of the plans, Sir Alex Ferguson simply giggled.

And this just in – it seems Newcastle United are to follow suit and work their way through the FIFA Rankings in their bid to secure a return to the top flight. However, due to their current money worries they will be taking a bottom up approach and are currently in negotiations with Papua New Guinea who are ranked 203rd in the World.