Bolt In New Sprint Sensation – Accomplishes Time Travel Feat

By our man at the track, Wilf Kettle

Usain Bolt has amazed the Athletics world again this morning by using his unbelievable speed to actually travel through time. It seems that after winning Olympic Gold last Summer in Beijing, a team of top scientists have been working with the Jamaican sprinter to see exactly what his capabilities are.

 

Dr. Seymour Butz who has led the team described the results as “staggering” but believes “there is still more to come” from the human Cheetah. Speaking after Bolt shattered his own World Record at the weekend, Dr Butz told how Bolt had managed to finish a race before he actually started. “It was incredible” he said. “As the gun went there was a blaze of light and a large bang, typical of planes breaking the sound barrier. When we looked again, Usain had finished the race before his physical being had left the blocks. It really was astonishing.”

There are now plans to see whether Bolt is capable of travelling over longer distances or even back in time. “Our hope is that Usain can use his speed to travel back to specific points in time in a bid to avert tragedies such as Man United winning the treble, Germany winning any tournament ever or Newcastle getting relegated last season. I suppose we could also get him to look at stopping despots such as Stalin, Hitler or Margaret Thatcher too but really, stopping the Germans is a priority” said Butz.

Today though, Bolt was focusing solely on preparations for the heats of the 200m at the World Championships and would not be drawn on the proposed plans for time travel. “At the moment I’m only concentrating on my running. However, if I do go down the time travel route I fancy wearing one of them big hats and a scarf like Tom Baker did when he was Dr. Who. I might also pimp up the TARDIS a bit too, put some decent speakers in it and maybe a Jacuzzi for when I get some chicks in there. Yeh, that would be cool.”