Oinksip Max – Swine flu

Chemist’s across the UK have reported a massive surge in sales of a new remedy for the current bout of Swine Flu. It seems the mass panic sweeping the globe has sent consumers rushing to their nearest pharmacy in search of a new wonder drug, Oinksip Max. The max strength media paranoia formula claims to combat the effects of snotty snouts, tired trotters and chilly chops and is available in lemon and apple sauce flavour with a subtle hint of stuffing. This morning queues outside one outlet in Milton Keynes, Bucks stretched for almost a mile as frantic, panic-stricken consumers clamoured for the drug retailing at £4.99. Inevitably, things turned nasty and police were called as rumours spread within the giant conga line that supplies were running low. This sparked a riot during which shoppers clambered over each other, biting and kicking as they attempted to reach the counter.

Sergeant Hugh Janus of Thames Valley Police said there were no serious injuries although a number of hot water bottles and nit combs had been damaged during the riot. He also confirmed that a box of Farley’s Rusks had been taken to hospital suffering from shock but they were expected to be back on the shelf later today.

In reaction to the panic buying of the drug, the Government announced this afternoon measures to limit the number of packets individual consumers can purchase to just one per person. Addressing the media outside number 10, Prime Minister Gordon Brown declared this was being done in the interests of fair play and to ensure stockpiles of the drug were not decimated before the end of the crisis.

Dressed as a highwayman and carrying a swag bag while rubbing his hands together and licking his lips, Mr. Brown denied plans to levy an interim ‘Sachet tax’ was simply another way of bleeding taxpayers dry. Instead he called the levy a ‘necessary measure’ which he claimed would be used to provide funding for further production of the drug. He then retired to his counting house whistling ‘You’ve got to pick a pocket or two’.