Warnock & Jordan to Take Ball Home – Not Playing Anymore

By Boltvault’s Chief Football Correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Crystal Palace Manager Neil Warnock and his Chairman Simon Jordan have today threatened to take their ball home and not let anyone else play following a disallowed goal in their game at Bristol City at the weekend. The pair who are also considering not letting anyone play with their marbles, are said to be “incensed” after match officials incorrectly ruled the ball had not crossed the line during the Championship encounter.

The incident took place when Palace player Freddie Sears fired home on 30 minutes only to see his shot rebound off the stanchion. Match official Rob Shoebridge failed to spot the ball had crossed the line and awarded a goal kick causing Warnock to lose the plot. According to witnesses, serial-whinger and sulky little boy Warnock “had a bit of a paddy” and threw himself on the floor shouting “it’s not fair, it’s not fair.” Bristol City fan Mick Whelk described the incident as “bizarre” saying “Ooh arrr, he threw himself down alroight and didn’t look roight ‘appy bout it at aaaaall. It were quite odd behaviour oi thought, but then he is a bit of a knob head after aaaaalll so I probably should ‘ave seen it coming.”

Warnock’s display of child-like tantrums has been echoed by girly-haired Palace chairman Simon Jordan who is demanding the game be replayed. “I agree with Neil” said Jordan. “This is most unfair and I demand the game be replayed. And if they don’t let us I’m going to tell my mum and she’ll go up the school and get it sorted so there” he added. And this morning both, ahem, “men” remained steadfast in the belief that if things were not sorted, they would take their ball home and no-one could play with it. Jordan today announced  “if we can’t win then we’re not playing and as it’s our ball they won’t be able to play or they’ll have to buy one of those crap plastic floaters which spin all over the place when you kick it, hah!”

There was no sign of Warnock at his home this morning but a spokesman for the big girl issued the following statement: “Neil Warnock is extremely unhappy that the bigger boys from Bristol City have been cheating so he doesn’t want to play with them anymore. He’s also going to get his Dad to go round and see Gary Johnson the Bristol City manager to have a word with him because his Dad is way harder than Gary and could take him in a fight. In fact he could probably beat up Superman and the Incredible Hulk if he had to.”

However, the spokesman refused to answer questions about whether the FA would be taking action against Warnock for his comments or that possible punishments could include being made to sit on the naughty step or being grounded with no access to the Wii for a fortnight.