Latest from the BV Post Room

Dear Boltvault,
The old adage states that “A rolling stone gathers no moss”. Well, I’ve had veteran rocker Mick Jagger tied up in my basement for 6 months now and let me tell you, he has all sorts of muck growing on him now. In your face old wives tales!

Tiny Tim,
Jolly Old London Town

 
Dear Boltvault,
I heard recently that the so-called King of Pop, Michael Jackson, is the subject of an internet campaign trying to award him a posthumous Nobel Peace Prize. What a fucking joke. My Nan died 10 years ago after a lifetime of working as a seamstress keeping a long line of people in correctly hemmed skirts and turned up trousers but I’ve heard naff all about her being nominated.

This is just another example of one rule for the rich and famous and one rule for the working classes and as such, the waxwork kiddy-fiddler won’t be getting my vote.

Will Youbemine,
Exeter

 
Dear Boltvault,
If “Music be the food of life” how do you explain the death of Karen Carpenter who died as a result of anorexia at the height of her fame? It seems to me these old wives who have filled our heads full of rubbish for hundreds of years ought to be tracked down and brought to account for their misleading anecdotes and frankly, piss-poor advice.

Nick Erelastic,
Brighton

 
Dear Boltvault,
I’m relieved the recent celebrations of the Moon landing have now come to an end. Frankly don’t know why anyone wants to celebrate the fact that a team of former Nazi rocket scientists managed to launch a tin can into space at a cost of billions of dollars only to ruin the long-held belief that the Earth’s closest neighbour in the Universe was made out of cheese. 40 years on and I’m still gutted by the fact this mission ruined a belief instilled in me by the likes of renowned scholars such as  Tom and Jerry and shattered my dreams of one day retiring to the Moon to gorge myself stupid in my remaining days.

Albert Dock,
Albert Dock.

  

Dear Boltvault,
I recently visited Hawaii as being a fan of the series Lost and knowing it was filmed there, I fancied taking on some Polar Bears and tracking some Wild Boar. Imagine my surprise then when I was confronted not with vicious animals or by mysterious plumes of black smoke but by scantily clad natives wearing garlands of flowers round their neck and singing Aloha-ha. Now I know what Elvis was talking about when he sang ‘Blue Hawaii. I’m gutted.

Ben Deenees,
North Shields

New Images of Jackson ‘Ghost’ Released!

By our man covered in ectoplasm, Snooper van Minge

New images have been released of the ghostly figure recently spotted by a film crew inside the former home of Michael Jackson. CNN footage showed a mysterious shadow, believed by some to be the King of Pop, as they filmed inside the Neverland Ranch over the weekend. The release of this new image is regarded by some as conclusive proof that Jacko is still walking the corridors of his former home.

The ghost was captured by long-time Jackson fan and professional ‘Ghostbuster’, Dr. Ray Stantz. Stantz it seems was invited to investigate claims of a haunting at the ranch at the request of the Jackson family. Along with his fellow Ghostbusters, Dr. Egon Spengler, Dr. Peter Venkman and Winston Zeddmore and armed with state of the art proton packs, the Ghostbusters scoured the building in search of evidence of paranormal activity – and they were not to be disappointed.

“We found a lot of ectoplasmic residue, mainly in Michael’s former bedroom where he entertained young boys, although it seems this had been there for some time and had mostly dried up” explained Ghostbusters spokesman Dr. Venkman. “However, as we made our way through the property we were confronted with the spine-chilling image captured by Ray. I haven’t seen anything quite like this since we took on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man back in ‘84” he said.

It’s not clear as yet what the next steps will be in terms of removing the spectre from the property, if indeed it is removed at all. It seems there is some division within the Jackson family as to whether or not the ghost should be removed with Michael’s father Joe Jackson convinced it should remain so he can crudely cash in some more on the death of his son. In addition to this, there are concerns as to whether the ‘ghost’ is genuine or not so the family lawyers are believed to be considering the help of a group of young fans, renowned for their experience in this field.

The group who travel from place to place in their van, ‘The Mystery Machine’ and who use their trusty dog ‘Scooby’ to help them solve mysteries are rumoured to be on their way to the ranch and it appears they have an exemplary track record in solving strange occurrences such as this. In a statement from his federal penitentiary cell, Old Man Jefferson who attempted to swindle Mrs. Perkins out of her rightful ownership of  the ‘Haunted’ Sawmill said “I would have got away with it too if hadn’t have been for those pesky kids.”

Whatever the outcome, frankly it comes as no surprise to this reporter that once again the rooms and corridors of Neverland are being walked by a strange and mysterious creature who scares the shit out of small children.