Ronaldo to Real in £80m deal

By Boltvault’s chief sports correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Manchester United have today confirmed they have accepted a bid of £80 million for Portuguese winger Christiano Ronaldo. The greasy, sulky, cheating little twat has repeatedly requested a move during his time at United but, due to a recent increase in child-like tantrum throwing and Real Madrid’s gross over-estimation of his value, United boss Sir Alex Ferguson felt the time was right to sell the player. A United spokesman said that Ferguson was unavailable for comment as he was “laughing uncontrollably” at the frankly ridiculous fee. The spokesman said ‘Sir Alex would like to thank Christiano for the opportunity to swell the Old Trafford coffers and buy players who will actually display some loyalty to the club. As soon as he stops laughing at the amount of money those dopey twats at Real have agreed to spend, he will draw up a list of transfer targets which should annoy the Scousers who can’t afford to spend this Summer.’

Former team mates of Ronaldo appear to be equally pleased with the deal which looks set to be concluded by June 30th. One player who asked not to be named but who looked like Shrek and was sporting the world’s most ridiculous beard said ‘I’m well pleased to see the back of the tosser. I’ve been pissing in his Lucozade Sport and wiping my arse with his towel since he got me sent of on England duty that time. I’ve also run through his mum so I feel well vindicated now.’ Another player who also asked not to be named claimed the dressing room would be ‘a safer place’ as a result of Ronaldo’s departure. He said ‘To be honest it was a nightmare with Ronny. People were always tripping over the dummies he kept spitting out when the Boss subbed him or criticized a poor pass. Also, he kept spilling his juice and people kept slipping in it so we had to get him some of them Tommee Tippee cups, you know the ones you can drop and nothing comes out.
That plus the milk and rusks he kept spilling was a right pain. They’ll also be more room now that his play pen will be removed.’

Ronaldo himself was also unavailable for comment due to his dedicated preening ritual which he undertakes on a daily basis. The oily tosser spends an estimated 8 hours a day perfecting his arrogant poses in front of a mirror ready for goal celebrations. He then spends an additional 3 hours at a local dance studio where he practices his balletic falls ready for match days should an opponent come within a five yard radius of the slimy little scrote.

However there was one twist in the tale from Spain today when it emerged club doctors at the Bernabeu are concerned over the medical arrangements for Ronaldo. It appears doctors are worried that there is not a hospital or clinic in the world large enough to accomodate the cocky, posturing, poseur’s ego. Dr. Noway Jose confirmed the fears stating ‘We may have to build an even larger clinic or perform the medical outside to cope with the size of Ronaldo’s gargantuan ego. His head has already swelled to 18 times its normal size and we expect this to continue. God help him when he scores, his head may explode.’

This afternoon fans were gathering outside Old Trafford, not to voice dissent but to thank the United hierarchy for letting the money-grabbing, glory boy go. One fan, Ashley Elliot from Weatherfield and had come directly from his butchers shop said in an inordinately high-pitched squeaky voice ‘We’re well glad to see t’back of him. He were nowt but a glory boy and happen Fergie can get some proper players in instead. I know he were a hit with some of the ladies but my Claire, she hated him.’ Another fan, Dave Unemployable from Moss Side summed up the thoughts of most fans though simply saying ‘He’s a c**t.’

United Duo In Champions League Blow

Hot on the heels of last weeks Champions League controversy, Manchester United duo Wayne Rooney and Christiano Ronaldo are the latest players set to face the music after pictures were released of the pair doing more than simply bonding as team mates.

Our exclusive picture shows the pair celebrating their 4-1 win over Arsenal by apparently indulging in fellatio on the Old Trafford pitch. As the rest of the team took part in their post match exercises, Rooney, 45, and Ronaldo, 3, had their own warm down.

Players and staff alike looked on in shock as the Portuguese ace, no stranger to dropping to his knees on the pitch, knelt down and administered a peel and polish to team mate and Shrek look-a-like Rooney.

One member of the squad who asked not to be named said “It was mental. Ronny just walked over, winked and started sucking his stick like Kojack’s last lollipop. The Gaffer’s going to go mad about this.”

The incident was soon over though as an incensed member of the United ground staff spotted the pair and, concerned about the effects of untreated baby gravy on the genetically modified turf, ran onto the pitch brandishing a pitch fork. ‘It’s just like dog piss’ claimed Bert Trousers, a 30 year veteran of the Old Trafford groundskeeping staff. “It turns the ruddy grass brown. You should have seen the mess Besty left after a night on the sauce with the local ladies darts team from The Feathers. Looked like a Giraffes arse.”

While UEFA would not comment on the alleged act, United boss Sir Alex Fergusonattempted to play down the situation. “Och it’s nothing” said the red-nosed, plonk swigging borderline alchy. “It’s just a method the Portuguese use to help their team mates warm down. Eusabio did it all the time mon.”

At the United training ground this morning Ronaldo refused to answer questions relating to the incident as he was still sulking after being subbed at the weekend. Instead, he was seen being dragged to a waiting car kicking and screaming and demanding more rusks. And a nap. Probably.

Rooney too was unavailable for comment as he was off nicking hub cabs in a car park in central Manchester.