HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED FOLLOWING LIVERPOOL DEFEAT. RIB INJURIES INCREASE TENFOLD

By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks.
 
Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew at Anfield as Liverpool were knocked out of the FA Cup in their replay against Reading.
 
Dr. Rick Shaw of St. Fergie’s hospital, Manchester said that a large number of local residents had arrived in A&E after the match suffering from a variety of injuries. “A number of patients complained of rib and abdominal pain which at first we attributed to falls in the snow and ice. However, as we investigated further it became apparent that the injuries were consistent with heavy and prolonged bouts of excessive laughter.
 
“In addition to these injuries, we also experienced instances where fully grown adults had spontaneously urinated or defecated in their trousers” he continued.
 
It seems that large swathes of the population were laughing so ferociously at the latest in a series of mishaps to blight the season of Liverpool FC, that the injuries witnessed by Dr. Shaw were replicated at doctor’s surgeries and emergency departments across the UK. GP’s this morning reported rises of up to 150% as injured people arrived at their surgeries. “This is worse than anything we have seen during the recent bout of bad weather” said GP, Bill Derbear.
 
One patient, Phil Yerboots, 49 from Greater Manchester could still barely speak when we interviewed him. In between bouts of laughter he simply managed to say “The scousers, they’re just shit. And they thought they were going to win the league this season – they couldn’t beat a man with one leg in an arse kicking competition haahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
 
As businesses already counting the cost of employees failing to arrive at work due to the snow braced themselves for more absenteeism, questions were raised as to the conduct of the Liverpool team and the club itself. Sports Minister Gerry Sutcliffe has even questioned whether or not Liverpool should be banned from playing any more matches this season in an attempt to reduce further injury.
 
“It’s clear that the performance of the Liverpool team last night has caused widespread hysterical and maniacal laughter across the country” he said. “This has massively impacted the ability of the nation as a whole to function properly and the team and the club as a whole has to face up to its responsibilities. I will therefore be lobbying for the Premier League to suspend any further matches in order to prevent further embarrassment and loss of earnings.”

 
When told of Mr. Sutcliffe’s plans, Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez told waiting reporters “It’s not fair.  I’m trying my best but it looks like I’ve been found out for only having two players in the team who are any good, and even Stevie [Steven Gerrard] doesn’t love me any more. If it wasn’t for my dear, dear Fernando [Torres] I don’t know what I’d do.” At this point Benitez sobbed uncontrollably, stopping only briefly to kiss a framed picture of Torres dressed as a matador.