HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED FOLLOWING LIVERPOOL DEFEAT. RIB INJURIES INCREASE TENFOLD

By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks.
 
Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew at Anfield as Liverpool were knocked out of the FA Cup in their replay against Reading.
 
Dr. Rick Shaw of St. Fergie’s hospital, Manchester said that a large number of local residents had arrived in A&E after the match suffering from a variety of injuries. “A number of patients complained of rib and abdominal pain which at first we attributed to falls in the snow and ice. However, as we investigated further it became apparent that the injuries were consistent with heavy and prolonged bouts of excessive laughter.
 
“In addition to these injuries, we also experienced instances where fully grown adults had spontaneously urinated or defecated in their trousers” he continued.
 
It seems that large swathes of the population were laughing so ferociously at the latest in a series of mishaps to blight the season of Liverpool FC, that the injuries witnessed by Dr. Shaw were replicated at doctor’s surgeries and emergency departments across the UK. GP’s this morning reported rises of up to 150% as injured people arrived at their surgeries. “This is worse than anything we have seen during the recent bout of bad weather” said GP, Bill Derbear.
 
One patient, Phil Yerboots, 49 from Greater Manchester could still barely speak when we interviewed him. In between bouts of laughter he simply managed to say “The scousers, they’re just shit. And they thought they were going to win the league this season – they couldn’t beat a man with one leg in an arse kicking competition haahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
 
As businesses already counting the cost of employees failing to arrive at work due to the snow braced themselves for more absenteeism, questions were raised as to the conduct of the Liverpool team and the club itself. Sports Minister Gerry Sutcliffe has even questioned whether or not Liverpool should be banned from playing any more matches this season in an attempt to reduce further injury.
 
“It’s clear that the performance of the Liverpool team last night has caused widespread hysterical and maniacal laughter across the country” he said. “This has massively impacted the ability of the nation as a whole to function properly and the team and the club as a whole has to face up to its responsibilities. I will therefore be lobbying for the Premier League to suspend any further matches in order to prevent further embarrassment and loss of earnings.”

 
When told of Mr. Sutcliffe’s plans, Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez told waiting reporters “It’s not fair.  I’m trying my best but it looks like I’ve been found out for only having two players in the team who are any good, and even Stevie [Steven Gerrard] doesn’t love me any more. If it wasn’t for my dear, dear Fernando [Torres] I don’t know what I’d do.” At this point Benitez sobbed uncontrollably, stopping only briefly to kiss a framed picture of Torres dressed as a matador.

BUM’S THE WORD – LABOUR ANNOUNCES NEW PLANS TO TACKLE SINGLE MUM’S

By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks.

Health Secretary Andy Burnham today announced how Labour plans to tackle the mounting issue of unmarried mothers. In a radical new initiative, Mr. Burnham has called for the introduction of anal sex as an alternative method of contraception in an attempt to reduce pregnancy rates among women aged between 16 and 23, of which the UK has some of the highest rates in Europe.
 
In a document known as the Brown Paper, Mr. Burnham calls for all women over the age of 16 to be encouraged to take part in ‘bum tricks’ as an alternative to ‘straight sex’ in an attempt to reduce pregnancy. “This is absolutely essential if we want to reduce the drain on society by single parents bleeding the state dry and making a mockery of us by appearing on Jeremy Kyle and The Wright Stuff” he told the House of Commons.

 
He continued “This country now has the dubious reputation of producing a whole generation of shell-suit-wearing, soap-watching morons whose soul aim in life is to get knocked up by the age of 16 - younger than that in places such as Liverpool and Leeds. These people see pregnancy as a method of securing a council house, Sky TV and state handouts. It simply has to stop and it appears that realistically, dirt boxing is the only possible solution to this growing problem.”
 
Despite Mr. Burnham’s view that practising anal sex would save the country money by eradicating the need to pay out maternity and housing benefits, members of the medical community argue that a rise in marmite motorway madness will increase fiscal dependency on the health service.
 
Dr. Marmaduke Percy, Chief of Surgery at Guys Hospital London, claimed the plans would pave the way for an upsurge in rectal surgery. “Plans such as this will simply replace unmarried pregnancy with a generation of young women who have back passages like wind socks” said Dr. Percy. “There is also the potential for scores of young men to injure themselves by ripping their webbing should they fail to use the requisite levels of lubricant, all of which will cost the NHS billions” he continued.
 
Welfare groups also dismissed the plans describing them as “abhorrent” and “out of touch with the reality of the situation”. Giving her reaction to the proposals, Ivana Tinkle of the charity Women’s Organisation for Mothers & Babies (WOMB) said “The fact is that most young women, especially those in poorer areas such as Northern Britain are already indulging in this practice on a regular basis. Unfortunately, for many it’s seen as a rite of passage if you’ll pardon the pun.”

 
And on the streets of Britain it also seems the initiatives are doomed to fail given the views of the very people they are designed to target. We spoke to 17 year-old ‘Tracy’ from Doncaster who told us “Don’t bother me any road. If they don’t give us benefits we’ll just go into family business on us backs. And we can charge more for taking it up the chutney locker. Fancy a spin?” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.