NEW ELECTION POLICIES UNVEILED

By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks.  

As the build up to a General Election starts to hot up, the major parties have today unveiled the policies they hope will see them elected. This morning Tory leader David Cameron told waiting journalists his party would be adopting a radical new ‘Name Calling’ policy which he believes will bring the Conservatives election glory. 

“We will be adopting a series of measures which will belittle and embarrass the opposition into defeat” said Mr. Cameron. “With immediate effect, we will be referring to Prime Minister Gordon Brown as ‘Fatty bum bum’ and ‘Smelly poo pants’ in what we see as a move which is absolutely vital if Britain wants to move out of the shadow of failure created by years of Labour government” he explained. 

“Furthermore, we will also be sticking our tongues out at the opposition across the benches in the Commons during Prime Ministers Question Time” he continued. 

Meanwhile not wishing to be outdone, Gordon Brown revealed his own party’s plan to deal with the Tory attacks and to establish four more years of Labour rule. “We will be adopting a ‘Sticks and Stones’ policy’ revealed Mr. Brown. “Whenever we receive abuse from the opposition we will simply retort with ‘Sticks and stones may break our bones but names will never hurt us’” he explained. 

“In addition” said Mr. Brown “We will be running a tuck shop in the Commons which those nasty Tories will not be permitted to use so when we’re sitting eating our Wham bars and aniseed balls, they won’t have any, ha! They also won’t be able to compete in our conker tournaments or play football with us at break times so there!” 

When told of Mr. Brown’s comments, Mr. Cameron replied “Yah boo, smelly poo pants man. We don’t want to play in your stinky tournaments & footy teams ‘cos you all smell! And Gordon Brown picks his nose and eats it” he added. 

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said nothing as he was in the corner of the Commons on his own trying find someone to play with.

BUM’S THE WORD – LABOUR ANNOUNCES NEW PLANS TO TACKLE SINGLE MUM’S

By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks.

Health Secretary Andy Burnham today announced how Labour plans to tackle the mounting issue of unmarried mothers. In a radical new initiative, Mr. Burnham has called for the introduction of anal sex as an alternative method of contraception in an attempt to reduce pregnancy rates among women aged between 16 and 23, of which the UK has some of the highest rates in Europe.
 
In a document known as the Brown Paper, Mr. Burnham calls for all women over the age of 16 to be encouraged to take part in ‘bum tricks’ as an alternative to ‘straight sex’ in an attempt to reduce pregnancy. “This is absolutely essential if we want to reduce the drain on society by single parents bleeding the state dry and making a mockery of us by appearing on Jeremy Kyle and The Wright Stuff” he told the House of Commons.

 
He continued “This country now has the dubious reputation of producing a whole generation of shell-suit-wearing, soap-watching morons whose soul aim in life is to get knocked up by the age of 16 - younger than that in places such as Liverpool and Leeds. These people see pregnancy as a method of securing a council house, Sky TV and state handouts. It simply has to stop and it appears that realistically, dirt boxing is the only possible solution to this growing problem.”
 
Despite Mr. Burnham’s view that practising anal sex would save the country money by eradicating the need to pay out maternity and housing benefits, members of the medical community argue that a rise in marmite motorway madness will increase fiscal dependency on the health service.
 
Dr. Marmaduke Percy, Chief of Surgery at Guys Hospital London, claimed the plans would pave the way for an upsurge in rectal surgery. “Plans such as this will simply replace unmarried pregnancy with a generation of young women who have back passages like wind socks” said Dr. Percy. “There is also the potential for scores of young men to injure themselves by ripping their webbing should they fail to use the requisite levels of lubricant, all of which will cost the NHS billions” he continued.
 
Welfare groups also dismissed the plans describing them as “abhorrent” and “out of touch with the reality of the situation”. Giving her reaction to the proposals, Ivana Tinkle of the charity Women’s Organisation for Mothers & Babies (WOMB) said “The fact is that most young women, especially those in poorer areas such as Northern Britain are already indulging in this practice on a regular basis. Unfortunately, for many it’s seen as a rite of passage if you’ll pardon the pun.”

 
And on the streets of Britain it also seems the initiatives are doomed to fail given the views of the very people they are designed to target. We spoke to 17 year-old ‘Tracy’ from Doncaster who told us “Don’t bother me any road. If they don’t give us benefits we’ll just go into family business on us backs. And we can charge more for taking it up the chutney locker. Fancy a spin?” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.