ROSS ANNOUNCES NEW TV PLANS

By chief showbiz correspondent, Snooper van Minge.

Following his announcement yesterday that he was quitting the BBC after 13 years; Jonathan Ross has today announced plans for a new TV show which will also feature friend and comedian Russell Brand. Speaking to fans on his Wossy Twitter page, Ross described how his new show will feature the pair sticking their fingers up at television bosses and wiping their arses with £50 notes.

 
“It’s going to be stunning” he said. “We’re going to sit and count our vast wealth, pee on copies of the Daily Mail and defecate on the BBC logo before wiping our celebrity bums with wodges of cash. We’ll also flick the v’s at a selection of out of touch, geriatric telly execs” he added.
 
Brand who recently announced his engagement to pop star Katy Perry is said to be “very excited” about the venture for the as-yet-untitled show. Taking a break from running through his bride to be, Brand told waiting journalists the show was just what he was looking for “It’s just what I’m looking for” he panted before returning to his bedroom to smack the back out of Ms. Perry.
 
The shows will be produced by Ross’s Hot Sauce production company and will feature celebrity guests who will also be encouraged to participate in gratuitous displays of wealth flaunting.  Model and ahem, ‘businesswoman’ Katie Price has reportedly signed on to shove a million pounds in used notes up her snatch while Gordon Ramsay serves up ludicrously expensive dishes, most of which will be thrown away without being touched.
 
Daily Mail readers are already launching a campaign to ban the show which it claims will “breach all the boundaries of taste”. One reader, retired Colonel Monty Furball-Clownspocket said the show was “an attack on common decency”. Said Mr. Furball-Clownspocket “I’ve never watched this Ross character or listened to any of his wireless broadcasts but if I did I’d probably hate him. He should be bally-well flogged.”
 
When asked for a response to Mr. Furball-Clownspocke’s comments, a spokesman for Ross said he was “too busy laughing and drinking champagne out of chorus girls bottoms to comment”.

Peter & Katie : The Split Which Effects A Nation

By Boltvault showbiz reporter Snooper Van Minge

The showbiz world was plunged into deep, dark depression last night with the devastating news that pop has-been Peter Andre and balloon-breasted bimbo Katie Price are to end the tumultuous, yet heart-warming marriage which has captured the imagination of a nation.

For reasons as yet unknown, 90’s ‘pop star’ Andre who sold literally dozens of copies of his ‘hit’ record ‘Mysterious Girl’ has split from former glamour model and bucket-fannied trollop Katie Price who is apparently ‘devastated’. This is presumably because the break-up will most likely see the demise of such classic and thought-provoking programming as Peter & Katie – the next chapter which generated thousands of pounds worth of revenue from essentially filming two brainless morons cavorting round a series of extravagant locations while declaring their undying love for each other in between arguments.

While the pair have issued statements regarding the split, although their publicists deny they were written in crayon or that Peter misspelled his own name, there is some cynicism within the media that this is merely a stunt by the pathetic pair to raise their profile among the clinically stupid in the UK, spawning new exclusives with the likes of Hello and OK magazines. This was however denied by their PR agencies who said ‘Just because Jordan was willing to have her birth filmed live on the internet, it doesn’t mean she’s shallow enough to devise all of this does it? Oh, hang on a minute, now you come to mention it…..’

Whatever the reasons for the end of the least talked about and most definitely least interesting celebrity relationship, there will undoubtedly be an impact on a nation still reeling from the devastating news that next years Big Brother is likely to be the last.

The effect of the split, which has left-millions of jobless layabouts, housewives and students with nothing better to do than watch celebrity lives unfold on UK Living, has been likened by some halfwits to the death of the Queen of Hearts, Princess Diana, in 1997 where layabouts across the country did nothing but sob, hug each other and leave flowers for other people to tidy up.

The Samaritans are already on high alert following the couple’s announcement and are bracing themselves for a huge surge in calls. Spokesman for the charity Bill Andtedsexcellentadventure said ‘We are all deeply saddened by events and are ready to offer whatever help we can. Coming so closely after the sad demise of the truly inspirational and saintly Jade Goody, we are especially concerned for the well being of this particularly at-risk group of individuals.’

Meanwhile, as the nation was coming to terms with the news regarding the pair, Katie Price was said to be unavailable for comment as she was having a pair of love cannonballs surgically removed from her tunnel-like trench while Andre was believed to be wandering round the couple’s mansion singing ‘Insania’ and preening himself in front of a selection of mirrors.