WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO GIVE BIRTH THAN MEN – OFFICIAL

By our man in the delivery room, John Bollocks

A new study undertaken by Cambridge University to be published next week claims that women are a staggering 100% more likely to give birth than men.  The study which was commissioned by the British Medical Association (BMA), ran tests over a 10 year period to see whether or not men and women of similar ages and health levels could become pregnant following unprotected sex.

Lead scientist on the study Dr. Cliff Edge said “In each and every case without exception we discovered that pregnancy occurred only in female subjects. Not one of the men tested during the course of our study showed any symptoms of pregnancy whatsoever and as a result, none went on to give birth. This is in stark contrast to our female subjects who in the majority of cases not only got pregnant but also went on to have healthy babies.

“I can therefore state categorically that works of fiction such as the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior can be dismissed forever as pure fantasy and that it is scientifically impossible for a man to bear a child through standard acts of intercourse” he added.

Expanding further on the study’s findings, Dr. Edge said “Other than instances such as following a large Christmas dinner for example where a man may feel as if they are giving birth on the lavatory, it would appear that sadly, men will never share the same feelings of childbirth in physical terms such as those enjoyed by women around the world.

Although seemingly irrefutable, the claims were greeted by scepticism in some quarters, notably by Ivan Reitman, director of the aforementioned 1994 movie co-starring diminutive actor Danny De Vito. It is understood Reitman, 63 could now face prosecution for obtaining money by deception in view of his earnings from the film. The director, who may also face deception charges having depicted the Statue of Liberty walking through the streets of New York in Ghostbusters 2, said “The contents of this study are preposterous. I was informed on very good authority that there was a chance, however slim, that it was possible to get a man, in this case Arnold, pregnant using a cocktail of untested drugs. As such I felt compelled to tell the story on film.

“I find it extremely difficult to believe that these theories were completely unfounded and concocted by Hollywood producers purely to make money out of an unsuspecting public. As such, I totally refute the findings of this report” he continued.

Meanwhile back at Cambridge, Dr. Edge remained defiant against claims his research was a waste of money and only confirmed what people had known for thousands of years. “Findings such as this are bound to upset some people and even arouse feelings of jealousy. Think of what Darwin went through with his theory on evolution” he said.

“In my defence, if you were given money to run through loads of birds over a period of ten years in an attempt to knock them up, knowing you never had to see them again or bear any fiscal responsibility for the offspring and that it was all in the name of science, what would you do?”

Boltvault’s resident physician Dr. Julian Quimm gave both the research and Dr. Edge the thumbs up saying “You can’t really argue with the facts. Like millions of men around the world, I’ve had sex with loads of birds and have never fallen pregnant.

“And he got paid for it too, lucky bastard” he added

HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED FOLLOWING LIVERPOOL DEFEAT. RIB INJURIES INCREASE TENFOLD

By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks.
 
Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew at Anfield as Liverpool were knocked out of the FA Cup in their replay against Reading.
 
Dr. Rick Shaw of St. Fergie’s hospital, Manchester said that a large number of local residents had arrived in A&E after the match suffering from a variety of injuries. “A number of patients complained of rib and abdominal pain which at first we attributed to falls in the snow and ice. However, as we investigated further it became apparent that the injuries were consistent with heavy and prolonged bouts of excessive laughter.
 
“In addition to these injuries, we also experienced instances where fully grown adults had spontaneously urinated or defecated in their trousers” he continued.
 
It seems that large swathes of the population were laughing so ferociously at the latest in a series of mishaps to blight the season of Liverpool FC, that the injuries witnessed by Dr. Shaw were replicated at doctor’s surgeries and emergency departments across the UK. GP’s this morning reported rises of up to 150% as injured people arrived at their surgeries. “This is worse than anything we have seen during the recent bout of bad weather” said GP, Bill Derbear.
 
One patient, Phil Yerboots, 49 from Greater Manchester could still barely speak when we interviewed him. In between bouts of laughter he simply managed to say “The scousers, they’re just shit. And they thought they were going to win the league this season – they couldn’t beat a man with one leg in an arse kicking competition haahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
 
As businesses already counting the cost of employees failing to arrive at work due to the snow braced themselves for more absenteeism, questions were raised as to the conduct of the Liverpool team and the club itself. Sports Minister Gerry Sutcliffe has even questioned whether or not Liverpool should be banned from playing any more matches this season in an attempt to reduce further injury.
 
“It’s clear that the performance of the Liverpool team last night has caused widespread hysterical and maniacal laughter across the country” he said. “This has massively impacted the ability of the nation as a whole to function properly and the team and the club as a whole has to face up to its responsibilities. I will therefore be lobbying for the Premier League to suspend any further matches in order to prevent further embarrassment and loss of earnings.”

 
When told of Mr. Sutcliffe’s plans, Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez told waiting reporters “It’s not fair.  I’m trying my best but it looks like I’ve been found out for only having two players in the team who are any good, and even Stevie [Steven Gerrard] doesn’t love me any more. If it wasn’t for my dear, dear Fernando [Torres] I don’t know what I’d do.” At this point Benitez sobbed uncontrollably, stopping only briefly to kiss a framed picture of Torres dressed as a matador.

OXFORD MAN HELD ON VOYEUR CHARGES

By our man twitching behind the curtains, John Bollocks.

Police were called to a house in upper crust Kidlington, Oxfordshire last night, to arrest an alleged pervert. The alarm was raised by neighbours who heard screaming emanating from a house in The Broadway area of the village. On entry to the address, police were alarmed to find a nude male, believed to be the owner of the house, covered in a mixture of plaster & cobwebs having apparently fallen through the bathroom ceiling. The occupier, a Mr. Hugh G. Rection, 65, was taken from the house covered in a blanket which alarmingly resembled an Indian Tee Pee. He was taken for questioning at the nearby Thames Valley Police Headquarters. Witnesses recall hearing Mr Rection, 36, shouting “Oh no what have I done?” as he was led away.

It later transpired that regular churgoer Mr Rection, already known to the Police as ‘The Vicar of Vice’, had apparently been spying on Mrs. Helga Hugesnatch, his wife’s pen-pal, as she bathed in the bathroom below. Speaking through an interpreter Mrs. Hugesnatch said ‘”I was most shocked. I was lying in the bath and when I chanced to look above I saw two holes in the ceiling. I could see Herr Rection’s beady eye spying through one and dangling out of the other was a long pink sausage type object which I realised to my horror was his knob.” She continued “When I started screaming he must have panicked because all of a sudden I heard a groan and the ceiling collapsed. He must have had a tin of wallpaper paste up there aswell as I recall I was covered in something like that as he fell.”

Apparently, this wasn’t the first incident during Mrs. Hugesnatches stay at the Rection home. “I walked into the bathroom the other day which I thought was empty, only to find Herr Heffer with one foot on the floor and the other on the side of the bath, towelling homself down and grinning feverishly. On another occasion, I had just finished my bath and was drying myself, when I heard a crash outside the door. When I investigated, I found an upturned stool just outside the door, some damp, sticky residue on the floor, handprints on the glass just above the door, and Herr Rection at the bottom of the stairs. I didn’t like to say anything as it is the first time I have met Herr Rection, and being a guest in your country, I didn’t think anyone would believe me.”

Police today confirmed Mrs. Hugesnatches story issuing the following statement; “Mr Hugh G Rection, resident of  The Broadway, Kidlington was arrested last night on the charge of masturbating through a bathroom ceiling with the intent of popping on a naked lady. Mr. Rection has made a full confession and will appear before magistrates in Oxford tomorrow.”

It later emerged that Mr Rection has previously appeared before the courts charged with devil worship, the illegal donning of a horses head, and gratuitous wizardry. His long-suffering wife Belinda , declined to comment, while neighbours said only “He was such a quiet man, a churchgoer you know, and always kind to fluffy animals.’” Hmm, I bet he was.

IT’S SNOW JOKE! LATEST TERROR PLOT UNCOVERED

By our man with his hands in a muff, John Bollocks.

MI5 has today revealed the cold snap which has seen the UK grind almost to a standstill in recent days, is the result of the latest fiendish terror plot by Islamic extremists. A spokesman for the security service, Tom Tit, claimed that a terror cell based in Kilmarnock, Scotland, has been churning out bad weather via a cutting edge weather machine constructed in a garage.

Mr. Tit explained how a modified Mr. Frosty ice maker had been discovered after a tip off from worried neighbours who spotted several Asian men acting suspiciously around the garage after dark. Anti-terror squad officers raided the garage following a period of observation and discovered the machine along with a three-foot Percy Penguin and a selection of giant ice lolly moulds. The spokesman also confirmed that three men in their twenties were arrested at the scene and are currently being held in separate police stations.

“This was a particularly sinister plot designed to cripple the country and cause as much chaos as possible” said Mr. Tit. “Knowing that half a pound of sugar spilling from a shopping bag is enough to cause major road closures in the South East, these men went a step further and unleashed a series of weather fronts which brought the country to its knees. They spent their evenings shovelling ice into a giant plastic snowman, not with the intention of producing multi-coloured ice lollies and crushed ice beverages, but to cause misery and suffering to millions of innocent people.”

It seems the device had been hooked up to an industrial pump and a large piece of plastic tubing which caused the contents of Mr Frosty’s stomach to be propelled into the sky. Reacting with the low temperatures and moisture in the clouds, this caused the formation of snow clouds which combined with favourable winds believed to be created by a small man on a radio antennae waving a piece of cardboard, then went on to push the freak front down the country.

Former weather man and owner of questionable jumpers Michael Fish described the machine as “remarkable”.  “Who’d off thought it?” he said. “My children had one of these in the 80’s but all they managed to achieve was a slightly slushy, fruity drink which ruined my carpet when they spilled the contents while watching a particularly exciting episode of Dogtanian & the Three Muskehounds. It really is quite remarkable” he continued.

It appears this isn’t the first time that snow has featured in a terror plot. Details have been revealed in the ongoing enquiry into the war in Iraq that the Saddam Hussein regime concealed integral parts of weapons of mass destruction in snow drifts knowing the Western aversion to the frozen substance. It’s alleged that UN inspectors in the region were seen scratching their heads and shrugging their shoulders when faced with the drifts which were in some places up to three inches deep. Instead the inspectors halted the search in the area until gritters and snow ploughs could be located. They also closed local schools and stockpiled produce from the local supermarkets in case they were forced to stay in their hotels for a sustained period of time.

BUM’S THE WORD – LABOUR ANNOUNCES NEW PLANS TO TACKLE SINGLE MUM’S

By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks.

Health Secretary Andy Burnham today announced how Labour plans to tackle the mounting issue of unmarried mothers. In a radical new initiative, Mr. Burnham has called for the introduction of anal sex as an alternative method of contraception in an attempt to reduce pregnancy rates among women aged between 16 and 23, of which the UK has some of the highest rates in Europe.
 
In a document known as the Brown Paper, Mr. Burnham calls for all women over the age of 16 to be encouraged to take part in ‘bum tricks’ as an alternative to ‘straight sex’ in an attempt to reduce pregnancy. “This is absolutely essential if we want to reduce the drain on society by single parents bleeding the state dry and making a mockery of us by appearing on Jeremy Kyle and The Wright Stuff” he told the House of Commons.

 
He continued “This country now has the dubious reputation of producing a whole generation of shell-suit-wearing, soap-watching morons whose soul aim in life is to get knocked up by the age of 16 – younger than that in places such as Liverpool and Leeds. These people see pregnancy as a method of securing a council house, Sky TV and state handouts. It simply has to stop and it appears that realistically, dirt boxing is the only possible solution to this growing problem.”
 
Despite Mr. Burnham’s view that practising anal sex would save the country money by eradicating the need to pay out maternity and housing benefits, members of the medical community argue that a rise in marmite motorway madness will increase fiscal dependency on the health service.
 
Dr. Marmaduke Percy, Chief of Surgery at Guys Hospital London, claimed the plans would pave the way for an upsurge in rectal surgery. “Plans such as this will simply replace unmarried pregnancy with a generation of young women who have back passages like wind socks” said Dr. Percy. “There is also the potential for scores of young men to injure themselves by ripping their webbing should they fail to use the requisite levels of lubricant, all of which will cost the NHS billions” he continued.
 
Welfare groups also dismissed the plans describing them as “abhorrent” and “out of touch with the reality of the situation”. Giving her reaction to the proposals, Ivana Tinkle of the charity Women’s Organisation for Mothers & Babies (WOMB) said “The fact is that most young women, especially those in poorer areas such as Northern Britain are already indulging in this practice on a regular basis. Unfortunately, for many it’s seen as a rite of passage if you’ll pardon the pun.”

 
And on the streets of Britain it also seems the initiatives are doomed to fail given the views of the very people they are designed to target. We spoke to 17 year-old ‘Tracy’ from Doncaster who told us “Don’t bother me any road. If they don’t give us benefits we’ll just go into family business on us backs. And we can charge more for taking it up the chutney locker. Fancy a spin?” At this point our reporter made his excuses and left.

Public Warned of Sunbed Terror – “They Are Out There Watching” Say Police

By our man on the front line, John Bollocks.

Police have today warned the public to remain vigilant after gangs of angry young sunbeds took to the streets following accusations they were “more dangerous than tobacco”. The gangs have caused havoc in precincts and leisure centres up and down the country, destroying property and attacking innocent bystanders and there is no sign of the violence stopping.

The first reported incident took place inside the Tango Tanning Salon in Huddersfield on Wednesday morning after the International Agency for Research into Cancer (IARC) declared “there is no doubt sunbeds cause cancer.” On hearing the news, Arnold the resident sunbed in the salon “went berserk” and “grilled” the unfortunate client who was in the middle of a 15 minute session. “It were ‘orrible” said eyewitness and salon employee Vicky Moir, 19. “One minute Mrs. Etherington were in t’middle of her session, next she were screaming as Arnold clamped reet down on her. There were nowt we could do to get her out. When he did let go she looked like she’d been cooked in one of them George Foreman thingies.”

And this sort of incident is occurring across the country. Scores of people have been attacked and businesses destroyed as hordes of sunbeds run riot, attacking indiscriminately and razing properties to the ground. The Eden Walk shopping centre in Kingston-upon-Thames was today in flames after a group of sunbeds petrol-bombed several stores. It was the same story at The Oracle in Reading where police were at a stand off with approximately 30 sunbeds who had taken a number of diners hostage in Nando’s.

We managed to speak to one gang leader ‘Ollie’ who claimed the sunbeds were just “standing up for themselves” and that ironically, they were the real victims. “It’s not on” he said. “We’ve selflessly helped people turn orange and age before their time for years and this is how they repay us. If it weren’t for us, footballers wives would look like that ginger bird off Girls Aloud and Jordan would look transparent. So now we’re fighting for what’s right no matter what price we have to pay.” And in a chilling threat which shook this reporter to his very bones Ollie warned “the streets will run red with the blood of the sunbed-hating infidels.”

As darkness fell tonight and Britain’s inner cities were still ablaze, Police were warning members of the public not to approach the sunbeds but to seek refuge and to alert the appropriate authorities. Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson advised the public that “everything that could be done was being done” but that “it would be some time” before the situation was brought back under control.

Met Office Wrong Shocker – “Oops” says spokesman

By our man in a cagoule, John Bollocks

Its official, the Met Office cannot predict the weather. In a shock announcement this morning the boffins, who for decades have tried in vain to predict rain or shine, finally admitted they were a shower of shit. Having previously predicted a “barbeque summer”, the Met Office changed their forecast following sightings of a large wooden boat filled with pairs of every species of animal on the planet. And as rain poured down across the UK and thousands of holidaymakers were stuck in their caravans, tents and B&B’s, a spokesman for the Met Office said “Actually, we think there might be a spot of rain after all.”

Famed for its high-tech weather prediction methods such as worshipping of the Egyptian Sun God Ra, praying to the Nordic God of thunder and lightning Thor and waving bits of seaweed around while dancing naked round a bonfire and sacrificing chickens, the agency is said to be “shocked” that they have once again buggered up the forecast for the summer. Spokesman Jim Wiggins said “This really is astonishing. Why only last week the magic beans we have been using most recently in our forecasting told us we were heading for a drought so we are really shocked by this continued period of wet weather. I can only assume that perhaps one of the beans may have been faulty.”

However, another theory put forward places the blame firmly at the feet of a youth group in Chichester. It seems that the Bromley Road Youth Theatre has been practicing a play portraying the lives of Native American Indians. The play apparently features a scene in which the children perform a rain dance, traditionally performed by the Indians in an attempt to bring forth the rain in times of extreme drought. With the group practicing daily for the past few weeks, the Met Office believes this may be a major influence on current conditions. “Oh well there you go then” said Jim Wiggins when told of the play. “I mean you can hardly expect us to get it right when you have amateur dramatical groups performing rain dances willy-nilly across the country now can you? Thank goodness it wasn’t the beans though. I was quite worried for a minute there.”

NORTHERN MONKEY ARRESTED OVER BUM TRICKERY! “I FEEL VIOLATED” SAYS IT BOFFIN

By our man with the Swarfega, John Bollocks.

A man was in custody this morning after Police raided a house in the sleepy village of Chinnor in Oxfordshire. Concerned neighbors raised the alarm after a series of distressed screams were heard from within the property. Upon entry to the house, officers were greeted by a scene of what one policeman described simply as “utter carnage.”

The lounge of the property was littered with beer cans and associated filth in the middle of which was a beast that upon first inspection appeared to be a cross between Neanderthal Man and Bigfoot. A local vet was called to the scene who later confirmed that the beast, in excess of six feet tall and some 19 stones in weight, was in fact a human being albeit of a lower order of the species being of Northern origin. Although seemingly unconscious due to imbibing 24 cans of Stella Artois single-handedly, police marksmen took the precaution of shooting the half-man half-ape with a dart containing a strong sedative before summoning a local skip company to remove it to the police station.

As the search of the property resumed, officers discovered the pitiful sight of a man in his 20’s slumped on the lavatory, his trousers round his ankles and with a piece of wood still clenched between his teeth. As paramedics roused the man he began to scream again shouting “Please make it stop, oh for the love of God, please make it stop.” As the man police later revealed as one Russell Watson, 12, an IT geek also known as Briefcase Wanker, was removed from the toilet, his arse fell out, apparently the result of extreme sexual violation from the beast located in the lounge. He was rushed to the local hospital where doctors this morning described his condition as ‘critical but stable’.

Police sources this morning have revealed the identity of the ‘Beast’ to be one Martin Bell, 41, a Northerner of dubious character and with a history of sexual misdemeanors. These include an incident with a Llama in Bolton Zoo in 1996 and an arrest for gross indecency with a Donkey on Blackpool beach in 2001 although Bell maintains to this day he was merely ‘riding’ the animal. It transpired this morning though that ‘Maxi Mutang’ as he is known within certain circles, was to be charged with raiding the Chutney Locker of Mr. Watson, 59, and causing GBH of the Harris. In a statement issued by his solicitor Mr. Ekky Thump, Bell, 43, denied the allegations.

Said Mr. Thump: “Eeeh, I’ll go t’foot of our stairs. Trouble at Mill, Nay Mr. Wilkes. All my client is guilty of is being of good, solid Northern stock and looking like a Yeti. That combined wi eyes that look like sheep’s twats, has landed him in strife wi t’law. The alleged injuries t’Watson lad are merely a result of a reet spicy curry that t’shandy drinking Southern lass couldn’t handle. My client vigorously denies all t’charges and will fight t’bitter end to prove his innocence.”

Mr. Thump had to break off at this point to take his prize-winning whippet Shirley for a walk and to pick up a loaf of Hovis and some Yorkshire Puddings from his Aunt Bessie.

Meanwhile doctors have confirmed that Mr. Watson, 14, is suffering from a condition known as ‘Re-entry Arse’. The condition takes its name from the extreme temperatures the Space Shuttle sustains upon re-entry to the Earth’s atmosphere which scorch the heat resistant tiles on its nose, base and wings. Victims of Re-entry Arse suffer similar burns to their ring piece and rear pillows after particularly violent bouts of anal sex or when sending a sausage to the seaside after a spicy meal.  The doctor treating Mr. Watson, 98, Dr. Toeknee Heart, confirmed the condition could have been caused by a curry as Bell alleges but the injuries inflicted were much more consistent with the frenzied attack of a large sexual predator, as there were what he described as ‘Bell-like indentations’ on the inside of Mr. Watson’s brown tea-towel holder. Despite Bell’s claims that the are due to Watson’s self-abuse with a Black Mamba dildo, he is still expected before Magistrates later today to face charges of Extreme Bum Trickery and being in possession of a Bellamy Beard.

EXCLUSIVE! “Cars better than feet – can get you there quicker” claims report

By our man at the wheel, John Bollocks.

Cars can get you to your destination quicker than so-called cheaper alternatives such as walking – FACT! That’s the shocking revelation in a new report issued today which claims to have proven unequivocally that cars really can get you there faster.

The report commissioned by the British Association of Car Manufacturers (BACM), claims that in tests conducted under strict scientific conditions, cars beat walking EVERY time. Lead researcher and author of the report, Dr. Drake Ramore of Nottingham University described the results as “incredible”, “They’re incredible” he said.

“We conducted experiments over a range of distances and in a variety of weather conditions” explained Dr. Ramore. “In one experiment, a car driving from Lands End to John O’Groats arrived literally months before a person setting off on foot along exactly the same route. In addition to this, the car was in practically peak condition compared to the person who arrived at their destination an emaciated wreck, close to death and covered in their own filth. For me that is conclusive proof of piston power over foot power.”

And the tests were not just conducted over distance either. “We put subjects in the position of being chased by a hungry Cheetah to see how they would perform” said Dr. Ramore. “In every test we found that the Cheetah was unable to catch up with a Porsche 911 for example whereas chasing a person was easy for them and in every case the subject was mauled to death and eaten by the Cheetah. It really is a compelling argument for using a car rather than walking.”

The British car industry in dire need of a welcome boost, has welcomed the report hailing it as “a victory for common sense.” Chairman of the BACM, Henry Ford said the report poured scorn on the idea that people should find cleaner, greener alternatives to using vehicles in order to save the planet. “Frankly I’m appalled at the propaganda spewed out by groups such as Greenpeace regarding the use of automobiles” said Mr Ford. He continued “This report proves that driving a car is actually beneficial to the environment. If people chose not to use automobiles there would be packs of ravenous Cheetahs roaming the streets killing indiscriminately. Now I don’t know about you but I don’t want to see the streets lined with the remains of children and old people too frail to outrun these beasts.”

Ironically the findings of the report were borne out in the most tragic of circumstances this evening as a Cheetah escaped from Bristol Zoo. The Cheetah named Fred, killed 9 people at a bus stop before being shot by Police marksmen. When questioned about the incident PC Phil Yerboots who was at the scene said “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if these people had been in a car they would have survived” he said. ”If it hadn’t have been rush hour which meant more people than usual were in their cars, we could have seen many, many more fatalities.”

RESIDENTS STUNNED AT SORDID SEX REVELATIONS.

“RANDOM STINKFINGERING RIFE” SAYS POLICE CHIEF. Report by John Bollocks.

The residents of a well to do area of Aylesbury, Bucks were said to be shocked yesterday, after a Police raid on a flat in the upper crust Watermead area of the town revealed a series of sordid sexual practices. The owner of the aforementioned abode and the man at the centre of the allegations, Mr Trevor Hannah, 24, is believed to be one of the vilest sexual deviants in the UK. Hannah, 41, was arrested by Police after they received claims from a young woman, who for legal reasons cannot be named, that she had been “interfered with in the vilest of ways.”

Miss ‘X’, as she has become known, spent several hours with senior detectives as sobbing, she revealed details of what had happened to her at the hands of the evil Hannah. Amongst the catalogue of the heinous crimes allegedly committed were such sordid acts as ‘Feeding the horse’, being ‘Bowling balled’ and by far and away the worst, a blatant act of what was described as ‘Stinkfingering’. Det. Inspector Bob Scrote said it was “the most harrowing interview I’ve ever been a part of in over 30 years of policing.”

According to Miss X, she was invited to Hannah’s one bed roomed bawdy house under the pretence of watching a video. Upon arrival at his home, Hannah, 98, plied Miss X with a cheap bottle of Blue Nun wine and a packet of Beef and Onion crisps, before luring her to his boudoir where the unspeakable acts took place. Choking back the tears she said “I was a bit naive I suppose. I really should have guessed he was after something when he answered the door dressed only in a pair of crotch less rubber pants with optional anal intruder appliance.” And so she should. For what followed was one of the most obscene sex acts that Britain has seen this century.

After luring Miss X to the bedroom, Hannah, 5, forced her to undress and threw her on the bed. According to the quivering witness he then “danced around the room like one of those birds in the opening titles of the James Bond Films singing, Stinkfinger, dadadaaa, he’s the man, the man with the brown fingernails, to the tune of the ‘Goldfinger’ theme.” That in itself was a shocking sign of things to come. Miss X continued “We were lying on the bed doing what you do when he started to ‘feed the horse’ which, to be honest I rather enjoyed but that seemed to send him to a new plain of sexual deviancy.” When pressed as to what this particular sordid act was, she burst in to tears and sobbing, revealed “He shoved his index finger up my snatch and his thumb up my arse and bowling balled me. He was like a man possessed and seemed to have superhuman strength and for ten minutes I thought I was on a fairground ride as he swung me through the air, my arse on the end of his hands. I asked him to stop but he just laughed and sprayed his man grout all over the walls.”

It was at that point when she thought that things could get no worse that Miss X found herself in even greater trouble. Apparently, Hannah, 63, somehow managed to ‘get one on’ and forced himself on her again. “For a couple of minutes it was just straight sex, which was fine and I thought the trouble had passed, but then he started to sing softly in my ear, Stinkfinger, dadadaa, and before I knew what was going on, he had his finger up my arse again.”
When Hannah, 85, eventually ‘unloaded both barrels’ again and feeling peckish after his unnatural activity, went to the fridge in search of lard, Miss X made her escape and went straight to the local Police station. Residents later saw Hannah, 32, who has a more than commensurate knowledge of computer porn sites and a substantial collection of Jazz Mags, being dragged away from his flat wearing only a swimming cap and goggles, shouting “You dorty hooer! I never got a chance to stinkchin ya.” He again showed his lack of remorse saying to Police that Miss X was “Hooting for it.” Apparently his biggest regret about the whole affair was that he hadn’t had the chance to ‘Drink from the hairy cup’. He is expected before magistrates in the morning to face charges of extreme gross indecency.

Villagers in dive for cover as fireball hits

“I only tried to say hello” says local youth.

Report by our man with a yellow helmet, John Bollocks

Residents of the sleepy Buckinghamshire village of Haddenham, enjoying a quiet lunchtime walk or a sociable pint of real ale, were soon rushing for cover as an explosion at a petrol station tore through their picturesque village. The reason for the pyrotechnic peril is believed to be a local lad by the name of Mark Stow. Stow, was seen roaring away from the scene in his BMW shouting “Yipeekayaay Muthufucka” a la Bruce Willis in the Die Hard movies.

Eyewitnesses claim that in an act of almost Frank Spencer like tomfoolery, Stow, 98, attempted to converse with a local female resident by claiming he “went to school with her”. The young lady in question, who for obvious reasons (i.e. not wishing to be associated with Stow) wishes to remain nameless, maintained her dignity by ignoring his lascivious advances and going about her business. Outraged and embarrassed by this rebuff, Stow, 1, attempted to give chase but simply ran over the unfortunate forecourt attendant. Realising that he had an unusual and somewhat unique hood ornament for his vehicle, namely the attendant’s face smeared across his bonnet, Stow slammed his roaring automobile into reverse. Unfortunately for him, Stow, 63, caught the petrol pump as he veered backwards, ripping the nozzle from the pump and spilling highly flammable gasoline all over the forecourt. Realising his now precarious position and with a second attendant now on the scene shouting obscenities, Stow, 86, panicked and, trying to maintain some degree of street cred, span out of the garage before flicking his lit cigarette in the manner already described above. After that, there was only going to be one result.

As fire crews raced to the scene, police began scouring the county for traces of Stow and his gang of evil arsonists. The gang members, James ‘Mongoose’ Ridgley, Danny ‘Tom Cruise’ Zola and Simon ‘Peppered Euro House’ Grayson, are believed to be heading for London where the streets are paved with gold. Mongoose, who bears a striking resemblance to both Leonardo Di Caprio and Grossburger of off Stir Crazy, is said to be the most menacing of the gang. Police have warned the public not to approach the seven-foot, 18 stone colossus who is believed to shake like a shitting dog. They have warned that his almost snail like speed should not be underestimated as he does have the power to attack with the ferociousness of a grizzly bear or with the sheer power of a herd of stampeding wildebeest in an instant. Grayson, armed with a record deck and an attitude of highly volatile pepperiness, is also said to be somewhat unpredictable due to the array of crazy tunes thundering through his techno garbled mind and a sick aversion to watching Everton.

You have been warned.