Warnock & Jordan to Take Ball Home – Not Playing Anymore

By Boltvault’s Chief Football Correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Crystal Palace Manager Neil Warnock and his Chairman Simon Jordan have today threatened to take their ball home and not let anyone else play following a disallowed goal in their game at Bristol City at the weekend. The pair who are also considering not letting anyone play with their marbles, are said to be “incensed” after match officials incorrectly ruled the ball had not crossed the line during the Championship encounter.

The incident took place when Palace player Freddie Sears fired home on 30 minutes only to see his shot rebound off the stanchion. Match official Rob Shoebridge failed to spot the ball had crossed the line and awarded a goal kick causing Warnock to lose the plot. According to witnesses, serial-whinger and sulky little boy Warnock “had a bit of a paddy” and threw himself on the floor shouting “it’s not fair, it’s not fair.” Bristol City fan Mick Whelk described the incident as “bizarre” saying “Ooh arrr, he threw himself down alroight and didn’t look roight ‘appy bout it at aaaaall. It were quite odd behaviour oi thought, but then he is a bit of a knob head after aaaaalll so I probably should ‘ave seen it coming.”

Warnock’s display of child-like tantrums has been echoed by girly-haired Palace chairman Simon Jordan who is demanding the game be replayed. “I agree with Neil” said Jordan. “This is most unfair and I demand the game be replayed. And if they don’t let us I’m going to tell my mum and she’ll go up the school and get it sorted so there” he added. And this morning both, ahem, “men” remained steadfast in the belief that if things were not sorted, they would take their ball home and no-one could play with it. Jordan today announced  “if we can’t win then we’re not playing and as it’s our ball they won’t be able to play or they’ll have to buy one of those crap plastic floaters which spin all over the place when you kick it, hah!”

There was no sign of Warnock at his home this morning but a spokesman for the big girl issued the following statement: “Neil Warnock is extremely unhappy that the bigger boys from Bristol City have been cheating so he doesn’t want to play with them anymore. He’s also going to get his Dad to go round and see Gary Johnson the Bristol City manager to have a word with him because his Dad is way harder than Gary and could take him in a fight. In fact he could probably beat up Superman and the Incredible Hulk if he had to.”

However, the spokesman refused to answer questions about whether the FA would be taking action against Warnock for his comments or that possible punishments could include being made to sit on the naughty step or being grounded with no access to the Wii for a fortnight.

City announce latest bid

By Boltvault’s Chief Football correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Big spending Manchester City are set to stun the football world yet again in this week as they continue in their attempts to buy the Premier League title. Sources at Eastlands have sensationally revealed that the City hierarchy are planning an audacious bid to sign the Brazilian, Italian and Spanish national sides in a mega deal which will eclipse all previous transfer bids.

Boss Mark Hughes confirmed this morning that the board have given him the backing for the bid saying”Yes it’s true. The board have given me backing for the bid.” He expanded further by saying “We intend to work our way through the FIFA World Rankings until the title is ours and if we don’t get our first choice, we’ll simply move onto the next one and will continue to do so until a deal is done. That said though, we draw the line at Scotland.”

The news will send an already reeling football world in to freefall and with transfer fees already exorbitant in the wake of the Ronaldo deal, this latest announcement is sure to propel them even further into the stratosphere. This was evidenced this morning as John Brindle of Cricklewood signed schoolboy forms for Chelsea for a fee of £17m despite being just two years old and having never kicked a ball in his life. Proud father and football agent Steve Brindle said “Well it made perfect sense to me. He’s seen a ball and knows what a ball is so he’ll most probably be pretty good one day.”

Meanwhile back at Eastlands, City officials announced they are planning a spectacular community event at the stadium in November for fans and their families. A spokesman for the club revealed they would be holding a special Bonfire Night celebration in November where they intend to burn £10 billion. “It’s never been done before and we’re really looking forward to it” confirmed the spokesman who continued by saying “We’ll be handing out wads of cash to supporters who will be encouraged to throw them on the fire. We feel his will really cement our position as the World’s richest club. You certainly won’t find the red half of Manchester in a position to do this.”

When told of the plans, Sir Alex Ferguson simply giggled.

And this just in – it seems Newcastle United are to follow suit and work their way through the FIFA Rankings in their bid to secure a return to the top flight. However, due to their current money worries they will be taking a bottom up approach and are currently in negotiations with Papua New Guinea who are ranked 203rd in the World.

Champions League of Villains

UEFA today moved to dismiss rumours that referee Tom Henning Ovrebo who officiated over last night’s controversial Champions League semi-final is in fact a Barcelona fan. Ovrebo, 99, incensed players and fans alike with a string of dubious decisions which contributed towards Chelsea’s eventual exit from the competition following a 93rd minute equaliser by Barca’s Andras Iniesta.
 
Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard last night claimed that as the Barca strike hit the back of the net he heard 42 year old Ovrebo shout ‘Get in there you beauty!’ and ‘Now Michel will give me the final for sure!’ before rushing away to celebrate with the Barcelona players. Said Lamps ‘He was well chuffed. I couldn’t believe it. He was even sucking off Guardiola in the dressing room after the match. Norweigan c**t.’
 
Fellow midfielder and dirty German Michael Ballack, also claimed to have heard the comments. ‘Yes, ziz is true’ said the Camp Commandants grandson. ‘In my farzers day we would have invaded his country, enslaved his people and drowned him in the fjiords for such insolence. But for the Fuhrer to rise again’ he sighed.
 
In addition to the claims by Chelsea players, a photograph has today emerged of the Norwegian official apparently posing in a Barcelona kit, further fuelling the rumours of bias. However, jumped up English-hating president of UEFA, Michel Platini claimed the accusations were completely unfounded. ‘Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! So you sought you would get anozer all-peeg-English final, huh? My derriere! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Zees will never ‘appen again as long as I am Prezeeedent. Er, pardon moi, I mean, zeese allegations are untrue. Mon ami Ovrebo ees a credeet to ze referring fraternity. Ze fact ees, Chelsea were just sheet. Fin.’
 
This however failed to appease Chelsea striker Dider Drogba who this morning arrived at the club training ground still in a straight-jacket for his own safety and foaming at the mouth. ‘I’ll fucking kill that baldy wanker’ exploded the Ivory Coast international. ‘I’ll kill him, his family, his cats and dogs and those of his friends. I will not stop until he is punished!’ he screamed before being wheeled away for a series of calming injections and pills.
 
When questioned about the allegations while boarding his first-class flight to a luxury Barcelona hotel earlier today, the referee at the centre of the storm replied to the claims by waving his Barcelona scarf above his head and singing ‘El viva Espana!’