PROBLEMS PUTTING OUT

 

Dear Dr Quimm,

My boyfriend is always pestering me to have sex with him. It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, he always wants to sleep with me.

What can I do as I'm worried this sort of pressure will ruin our relationship?

Abi Daysarehereagain,
London

Dr. Quimm says:
Are you wasting my time or what? Look love, your first duty as a woman is to put out whenever he bloody-well wants. Your second is to make sure his dinner is on the table when he gets in from work.

Don't give me all this headache bollocks or 'I'm tired', that's just shite. Get yourself up them stairs, open your legs and like it woman for Christ's sake! Even better, why not dress up for him, take it up the pooper and suck his stick like Kojak's last lollipop while he's watching skin flicks.

That's how you should show him you love him you dappy tart!

WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO GIVE BIRTH THAN MEN – OFFICIAL

By our man in the delivery room, John Bollocks

A new study undertaken by Cambridge University to be published next week claims that women are a staggering 100% more likely to give birth than men.  The study which was commissioned by the British Medical Association (BMA), ran tests over a 10 year period to see whether or not men and women of similar ages and health levels could become pregnant following unprotected sex.

Lead scientist on the study Dr. Cliff Edge said “In each and every case without exception we discovered that pregnancy occurred only in female subjects. Not one of the men tested during the course of our study showed any symptoms of pregnancy whatsoever and as a result, none went on to give birth. This is in stark contrast to our female subjects who in the majority of cases not only got pregnant but also went on to have healthy babies.

“I can therefore state categorically that works of fiction such as the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior can be dismissed forever as pure fantasy and that it is scientifically impossible for a man to bear a child through standard acts of intercourse” he added.

Expanding further on the study’s findings, Dr. Edge said “Other than instances such as following a large Christmas dinner for example where a man may feel as if they are giving birth on the lavatory, it would appear that sadly, men will never share the same feelings of childbirth in physical terms such as those enjoyed by women around the world.

Although seemingly irrefutable, the claims were greeted by scepticism in some quarters, notably by Ivan Reitman, director of the aforementioned 1994 movie co-starring diminutive actor Danny De Vito. It is understood Reitman, 63 could now face prosecution for obtaining money by deception in view of his earnings from the film. The director, who may also face deception charges having depicted the Statue of Liberty walking through the streets of New York in Ghostbusters 2, said “The contents of this study are preposterous. I was informed on very good authority that there was a chance, however slim, that it was possible to get a man, in this case Arnold, pregnant using a cocktail of untested drugs. As such I felt compelled to tell the story on film.

“I find it extremely difficult to believe that these theories were completely unfounded and concocted by Hollywood producers purely to make money out of an unsuspecting public. As such, I totally refute the findings of this report” he continued.

Meanwhile back at Cambridge, Dr. Edge remained defiant against claims his research was a waste of money and only confirmed what people had known for thousands of years. “Findings such as this are bound to upset some people and even arouse feelings of jealousy. Think of what Darwin went through with his theory on evolution” he said.

“In my defence, if you were given money to run through loads of birds over a period of ten years in an attempt to knock them up, knowing you never had to see them again or bear any fiscal responsibility for the offspring and that it was all in the name of science, what would you do?”

Boltvault’s resident physician Dr. Julian Quimm gave both the research and Dr. Edge the thumbs up saying “You can’t really argue with the facts. Like millions of men around the world, I’ve had sex with loads of birds and have never fallen pregnant.

“And he got paid for it too, lucky bastard” he added

New Cancer Shock – Being Alive Increases Risk

Special report by Boltvault physician, Dr. Julian Quimm.

Coming hot on the heels of the announcement this morning that an increase in oral cancer has been linked somewhat tenuously to alcohol, scientists at the privately funded Bob Cratchett Biolabs have today confirmed that not being dead can increase the risk of contracting cancer in some form by 100%. Dr. Sebastian Saniflo claims that his research “proves beyond all doubt” that if you are alive you are much more likely to suffer from the disease than if you are dead.

“Nobody can argue with my findings” claimed Dr. Saniflo. “I have performed tests on over 100 dead people and exposed them to overhead pylons, radioactive waste, alcohol, cigarettes, sunbeds and even those little foam shrimps you can get at the pick and mix in the cinema. I can unequivocally confirm that not one of the rotting corpses suffered even the mildest form of cancer. However, when I performed the same tests on live human subjects, the results were different altogether. Almost 75% contracted cancer in form or another while 20% were fryed alive on the pylons I was using. This also proves another theory of mine that high voltage electricity is more deadly to live people than dead ones. Frankly, simply by breathing you are playing Russian Roulette with your very life” he said.

The findings of Dr. Saniflo were greeted with suspicion in some quarters, in particular by members of the foam shrimp production industry. Mark Wheeltrim, spokesman for sweet-maker Haribo claimed that “there was no link whatsoever” between the little pink goodies and the deadly disease. “It’s simply not true” said Wheeltrim. He continued “Unfortunately this is just another scare tactic designed to scare people witless about what they eat or drink or how they spend their leisure time. We firmly refute any link and while we’re on the subject, I can also confirm that eating too many foam bananas’ does not turn your knob yellow or adopt a banana-like shape which was a previous claim by this so-called authority.”

Members of the medical community were less sceptical though. Dr. Wilber Porksword of Guys Hospital London described Dr. Saniflo’s findings as “very interesting”. Said Dr. Porksword “These findings are quite remarkable and should not be discounted. Quite simply it has never occurred to the medical profession as a whole that by being alive you are at increased risk of contracting just about any disease around. Clearly further research is necessary but it may well be that we can investigate the impact of diseases such as AIDS and Malaria on live subjects as opposed to dead ones. I wouldn’t mind betting that it’s virtually impossible for a dead person to catch AIDS but we’ll have to wait and see.”

The Government meanwhile, always keen to jump on the back of any bandwagon, has ordered the production of informative leaflets which will be delivered to every household in Britain warning of the dangers that being alive can pose. The leaflets entitled “Better off Dead?” will give recipients useful information on how best to avoid disease by being dead and in turn, the most effective methods of doing themselves in. Gordon Brown is expected to address Parliament on the subject in Prime Ministers Questions this afternoon urging Britons to consider death as an alternative to the spread of pandemics such as Swine Flu. A spokesman for Mr. Brown said this morning that “This could really get us out of a hole. With pension provision completely inadequate and the spiralling costs of administering the NHS, a spate of national suicides could really help to decrease the surplus population and ensure ministers like myself and the PM who are too yellow-bellied to consider suicide, will retire on gargantuan pensions in the future. Result!”

Tom Carr – struggling with his sexuality

Dear Dr. Quimm,

I’m worried about a friend of mine, Tom Carr as I feel he may be struggling with his sexuality.
My suspicions were aroused last month while on a fishing trip to France. I knew it was going to be quiet but I didn't realise we were going to be miles away from any women. In fact, the only contact we had with anyone at all was when we went for our daily visit to 'Super U' to purchase our staple diet of pain au chocolat and Super U lager.

Initially I put Tom's 'odd behaviour' down to too much sun and beer but after several days of observation, I began to think he may be ‘late on the rent’. He would spend hours stripped to the waist sucking suggestively on his favourite 'traffic light' lollies all the while joking about ‘stroking his rod’. What finally sealed it for me was when one evening next to the fire he announced that his favourite film of all time was Brokeback Mountain. Naturally, for the remainder of the holiday I slept with my back to the wall and with one eye open!

Anyway I managed to keep my anal cherry and thought that maybe I had imagined it all – until we got back that is. Tom went on Facebook to take a ‘How gay are you?’ test and scored a whopping 67%. However, he’s just rung me and asked if I want to meet him for a sunbed so I reckon he must be at least 92% now!

How can I explain I'm not a shit stabber to him without ruining our friendship?

Russ, Haddenham, Bucks.

Dr. Quimm says:
Russ mate, I don't think there’s any doubt that your man Tom is definitely a jobby jabber. It sounds to me like you were lucky to get back with your Mars fridge still functioning. Now there are several approaches you can take as regards explaining you prefer snatch to arse crack.

1 – Sit him down, explain you will always be a mate but you prefer pink to brown.
2 – Sit him down, explain that if he ever so much as sneaks a look at your arse while you’re at the bar you’ll take him out and nail his knackers to the nearest tree.

By the sounds of it though mate, you want to get yourself down to B&Q for a hammer and a bag of nails.