NEW ELECTION POLICIES UNVEILED

By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks.  

As the build up to a General Election starts to hot up, the major parties have today unveiled the policies they hope will see them elected. This morning Tory leader David Cameron told waiting journalists his party would be adopting a radical new ‘Name Calling’ policy which he believes will bring the Conservatives election glory. 

“We will be adopting a series of measures which will belittle and embarrass the opposition into defeat” said Mr. Cameron. “With immediate effect, we will be referring to Prime Minister Gordon Brown as ‘Fatty bum bum’ and ‘Smelly poo pants’ in what we see as a move which is absolutely vital if Britain wants to move out of the shadow of failure created by years of Labour government” he explained. 

“Furthermore, we will also be sticking our tongues out at the opposition across the benches in the Commons during Prime Ministers Question Time” he continued. 

Meanwhile not wishing to be outdone, Gordon Brown revealed his own party’s plan to deal with the Tory attacks and to establish four more years of Labour rule. “We will be adopting a ‘Sticks and Stones’ policy’ revealed Mr. Brown. “Whenever we receive abuse from the opposition we will simply retort with ‘Sticks and stones may break our bones but names will never hurt us’” he explained. 

“In addition” said Mr. Brown “We will be running a tuck shop in the Commons which those nasty Tories will not be permitted to use so when we’re sitting eating our Wham bars and aniseed balls, they won’t have any, ha! They also won’t be able to compete in our conker tournaments or play football with us at break times so there!” 

When told of Mr. Brown’s comments, Mr. Cameron replied “Yah boo, smelly poo pants man. We don’t want to play in your stinky tournaments & footy teams ‘cos you all smell! And Gordon Brown picks his nose and eats it” he added. 

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said nothing as he was in the corner of the Commons on his own trying find someone to play with.