MCINTYRE UNDER INVESTIGATION – ‘COMIC’ TO FACE TRADE DESCRIPTION ENQUIRY
October 30, 2009 by Boltvault Admin
Filed under Celebrity
McIntyre - 'smug wanker'
Irritating, fast-talking, slanty-eyed, pink shirt-wearing twat Michael McIntyre was today at the centre of an investigation by Trading Standards officers after it emerged he was attempting to portray himself as ‘funny’ and travelling the UK ‘impersonating a comedian’.
The investigation follows a complaint by Swindon resident Mr. Bert Fraggle who recently purchased McIntyre’s ‘Live & Laughing’ DVD on the misapprehension the 33 year-old was a ‘Comic Sensation’. However, after watching just 15 minutes of the ‘hilarious performance’ Mr. Fraggle, 45, claimed he ‘could stand no more’ and began to ‘feel an anger so intense I wanted to kill this man and his entire family.’
Still shaking uncontrollably and apoplectic with rage, Mr. Fraggle explained what happened; ‘I’d been having a rough time lately following the death of my wife in a freak accident with a dessert spoon and a Black & Decker drill so I thought I’d cheer myself up by watching a bit of comedy. I read a review on Amazon and thought this bloke might be worth a go, despite the fact he looked like he had overdosed on some sort of pill which made you look like a smug wanker.’
‘Anyway, I put it on and couldn’t believe what I was watching. He was an absolute twat. All he did was strut around talking in a high pitched voice while shaking his head repeatedly. That bloke’s about as funny as waking up with Fern Britton on the end of your todger, Vanessa Feltz next to you and Cilla Black holding a video camera at the end of your bed’ he explained.
Mr. Fraggle was so incensed he immediately alerted Trading Standards who, having viewed the evidence, felt compelled to act. ‘This is clearly a breach of the Trade Descriptions Act’ confirmed Mr. Roger Buoys of Wiltshire Trading Standards. ‘Having viewed the DVD we have found absolutely no evidence whatsoever that this man is in any way talented, in a comic capacity or any other capacity for that matter. For this reason and in an attempt to wipe that smug grin off his face, Mr. McIntyre will face the full weight of the law.’
‘Comedian’ McIntyre was today unavailable for comment as he was apparently preening himself and attempting to perfect the ultimate look of smugness.
