NEW! from Boltvault Ads

That's right folks; the same team that brought you Boltvault Bog Roll now offers you this unique receptacle to wipe away those wanking worries!

Ergonomically designed for the left or right-handed wrister, the Wank-Away Masturbation System's pioneering design has been secretly tested, is fully endorsed by scientists at NASA and will feature on all future space missions.

Constructed from the same material as the space suits worn by NASA astronauts, the Wank-Away Masturbation System is coated with Boltvault Engineering's secret sheen which gives it a smooth-as-silk finish enhancing masturbation for wankers of varying degrees from the novice to the professional wanker and even the IT programmer.

The Wank-Away also boasts an impressive filtering system which allows the post-ejaculatory baby gravy to be absorbed into it before slowly evaporating via Boltvault Engineering's patented Spunk-Be-Gone Chemical Conditioning System. The result; the smoothest stroke you'll ever have with no residue and no unsightly stains.

But don't just take our word for it. Here's the first man on the Moon, US astronaut Captain Neil Armstrong to tell us more.

'As thrilled as I was to be the first man on the Moon, I know I would have felt better for a wank, but in 1969 we were still in the early stages of space discovery. However, thanks to Boltvault Engineering and their revolutionary design combined with the talents of our team here at NASA, the astronauts of tomorrow will have the opportunities on future space missions that I never had. God bless you Boltvault.' - Capt. Neil Armstrong, astronaut and legend.

 

So wave goodbye to your wanking woes and say hello to the Boltvault Wank-Away Masturbation System - must-have for the 21st century wanker!

Boltvault Bog Roll

When you go for a shite, there are three vital ingredients you need.

1. A bog,
2. Suitable reading material and
3. A reliable toilet tissue

That's where new Boltvault Bog Roll comes in. No matter what your crack size and no matter what the consistency of your shite, Boltvault Bog Roll is the bog roll for you!

But don't just take our word for it. Here's what the stars have to say about Boltvault Bog Roll -

'I always choose Boltvault Bog Roll when I take a dump, especially after a curry when I generally drop a right pea-souper in the pan.' - Veteran comedy actress, June Whitfield

'Dawn & I never use anything else. I'm over six foot tall and as you can imagine, produce some lengthy logs. And Dawn, just think of the size of shite she can turn out! But Boltvault Bog Roll never misses a spot. Both our arses are always shit free thanks to Boltvault Bog Roll.' - Comedian Lenny Henry.

'I always use Boltvault Bog Roll ahead of a shoot. There's nothing worse than seeing an arse rolo or butterfly pattern on a models ringpiece if you ask me.' - Glamour Model Linsey Dawn Mackenzie.

I like to keep the hair on my arse as trimmed and as perfect as the soup strainer on my top lip. To do this I need a toilet tissue that really hits the spot. For me theres only one choice Boltvault Bog Roll. The housewives love it. - former TV anchorman and Love God, Des Lynham

So, rub away those wiping worries and use NEW Bolvault Bog Roll on your arse crack today!