Dear Boltvault

Each week we receive literally no emails from you so we've made some up!

If you are able to find the time between searching for grot and pretending to look at Amazon when your bird catches you mid-stroke, and you do want to send us a mail, fire it through to the usual address admin@boltvault.com

Dear Boltvault,

I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms. I recently read that Domestos kills all known germs. Dead. What bollocks. I conducted an experiment in my small laboratory at home and released small pox into the atmosphere. Despite spraying Domestos about the place, my entire family were reduced to quivering, gibbering wrecks and suffered excruciating pain before dying. Luckily I was wearing a full chemical warfare suit but just think what might have happened if I hadn't.

I hope the manufacturers of Domestos are pleased with themselves. Hopefully the fact that my dead wife and three children won't be buying Domestos anymore will wipe the smile from their grinning corporate chops.

P. Niss (Reading, Berks)
 
Dear Boltvault,

Fellas, beware the perils of dwelling in the bath for too long. I fell asleep in my tub the other night and when I eventually woke up my knackers were hanging down to the floor and looked like a granny's elbow. Not good.

Ben Dover (Dover)

Dear Boltvault,

Having seen the adverts on the television warning people of the dangers of not having properly fitted smoke alarms or alarms without batteries, I purchased the requisite power cells from my local DIY store. Imagine my surprise then when I fell off my step ladders while replacing said power cells and broke my back. To add insult to injury, when I was eventually allowed home from hospital, my house had burned down, the alarm being unable to warn me in my hospital bed some 15 miles away. Fucking rubbish.

Lee Andperrins (Worcester)

Dear Boltvault,

Whilst running round in a mad frenzy, masturbating whilst pissed I ran into the wall. The next morning I woke up to find my nob had been squashed flat and had gone black with my urethra franklin dead in the centre. Is this a record?

Jim Slip (Harrow)

Dear Boltvault,

While you may find amusing surnames a source of mirth, I find it extremely upsetting. I have been the victim of countless pumpkin jibes throughout my life, especially as I have bright orange hair. The only consolation is that being ginger I smell of piss rather then pumpkins.

Jack O'Lantern (County Kildare)

Dear Boltvault,

I recently suffered from a miss-named shopping experience. Myself and my friends went out last Friday night and got completely Billy Bremnered. We then decided to go for something to eat. While staggering round the precinct we spotted what looked the perfect eatery and attempted to gain entry. Imagine our surprise when we were surrounded by police having broken into 'Currys' which turned out to be an electrical appliance outlet and not an Indian takeaway. Do these people not think?

P Dantic (Morecombe)