By our man under the boardroom table, Snooper van Minge.
The new series of this years Apprentice show has been thrown into doubt after allegations of sexual harassment by two of the contestants. Wannabe business people Kate Minge and Yasmina Slacktwat were said to be shocked and appalled by the behaviour of Sir Alan Sugar who after the pair were introduced to him, offered them more than simple business advice on how to succeed.
Brummie Kate described how Sugar was anything but sweet as he launched into a series of double entendres aimed at her and fellow would-be apprentice, Yasmina. “Just after the initial introduction he called us back into the boardroom. We thought it was to congratulate us on making it to the new series but far from it. The first thing he said when we walked in was Phwooooaaaar! He was sat there fumbling with himself under the table and making all sorts of lewd comments” she said.
Said Yasmina “He made several suggestions about my existing business (I run a restaurant) saying I should have more fruit on the menu as I had access to a cracking pair. He couldn’t stop staring at my boobs and claimed I’d have to be careful on the amounts I purchased because I wouldn’t get many of those to the pound. ‘He then started cackling like Sid James off the Carry On movies.”
Kate then described how Sugar, 91, invited her to perform secretarial duties asking her to ‘take something down for him’. “He asked me whether my shorthand was better with my left or right hand and then said “sod it; talk into this” before getting his knob out. I was really shocked as this isn’t what I expected from a Knight of the Realm and a business magnate”.
The pair allege the scene then descended into a scene reminiscent of the Carry On films as Sir Alan went into a fit of yak, yak, yak cackles while stooges Karren and Nick fell about like regular Carry On stalwarts Hattie Jaques and Bernard Bresslaw. “It was astounding” said Yasmina. “They were just beside themselves as Sir Alan cackled away and kept pressing this button on the table which made all sorts of suggestive sounds such as rulers twanging and various badoing-type noises. I know he looks like Sid James but this is ridiculous.”
While bosses at the BBC, still reeling from the Jimmy Saville scandal attempted to play down the incident insisting that the show would still be screened this Autumn, Sir Alan would not be drawn on the incident saying only “Cor, look at the thrupenny’s on that, blimey, yak, yak, yak” as a well proportioned female walked past him.