“RANDOM STINKFINGERING RIFE” SAYS POLICE CHIEF. Report by Boltvault crime correspondent John Bollocks.
The residents of a well to do area of Aylesbury, Bucks were said to be shocked yesterday, after a Police raid on a flat in the upper crust Watermead area of the town revealed a series of sordid sexual practices. The owner of the aforementioned abode and the man at the centre of the allegations, Mr Trevor Hannah, 24, is believed to be one of the vilest sexual deviants in the UK. Hannah, 41, was arrested by Police after they received claims from a young woman, who for legal reasons cannot be named, that she had been “interfered with in the vilest of ways.”
Miss ‘X’, as she has become known, spent several hours with senior detectives as sobbing, she revealed details of what had happened to her at the hands of the evil Hannah. Amongst the catalogue of the heinous crimes allegedly committed were such sordid acts as ‘Feeding the horse’, being ‘Bowling balled’ and by far and away the worst, a blatant act of what was described as ‘Stinkfingering’. Det. Inspector Bob Scrote said it was “the most harrowing interview I’ve ever been a part of in over 30 years of policing.”
According to Miss X, she was invited to Hannah’s one bed roomed bawdy house under the pretence of watching a video. Upon arrival at his home, Hannah, 98, plied Miss X with a cheap bottle of Blue Nun wine and a packet of Beef and Onion crisps, before luring her to his boudoir where the unspeakable acts took place. Choking back the tears she said “I was a bit naive I suppose. I really should have guessed he was after something when he answered the door dressed only in a pair of crotch less rubber pants with optional anal intruder appliance.” And so she should. For what followed was one of the most obscene sex acts that Britain has seen this century.
After luring Miss X to the bedroom, Hannah, 5, forced her to undress and threw her on the bed. According to the quivering witness he then “danced around the room like one of those birds in the opening titles of the James Bond Films singing, Stinkfinger, dadadaaa, he’s the man, the man with the brown fingernails, to the tune of the ‘Goldfinger’ theme.” That in itself was a shocking sign of things to come. Miss X continued “We were lying on the bed doing what you do when he started to ‘feed the horse’ which, to be honest I rather enjoyed but that seemed to send him to a new plain of sexual deviancy.” When pressed as to what this particular sordid act was, she burst in to tears and sobbing, revealed “He shoved his index finger up my snatch and his thumb up my arse and bowling balled me. He was like a man possessed and seemed to have superhuman strength and for ten minutes I thought I was on a fairground ride as he swung me through the air, my arse on the end of his hands. I asked him to stop but he just laughed and sprayed his man grout all over the walls.”
It was at that point when she thought that things could get no worse that Miss X found herself in even greater trouble. Apparently, Hannah, 63, somehow managed to ‘get one on’ and forced himself on her again. “For a couple of minutes it was just straight sex, which was fine and I thought the trouble had passed, but then he started to sing softly in my ear, Stinkfinger, dadadaa, and before I knew what was going on, he had his finger up my arse again.”
When Hannah, 85, eventually ‘unloaded both barrels’ again and feeling peckish after his unnatural activity, went to the fridge in search of lard, Miss X made her escape and went straight to the local Police station. Residents later saw Hannah, 32, who has a more than commensurate knowledge of computer porn sites and a substantial collection of Jazz Mags, being dragged away from his flat wearing only a swimming cap and goggles, shouting “You dorty hooer! I never got a chance to stinkchin ya.” He again showed his lack of remorse saying to Police that Miss X was “Hooting for it.” Apparently his biggest regret about the whole affair was that he hadn’t had the chance to ‘Drink from the hairy cup’. He is expected before magistrates in the morning to face charges of extreme gross indecency.