Report by our man in marigolds, John Bollocks.
Male members of staff at an accountancy firm are counting the cost of their unruly bottoms after their toilet gave up the ghost and exploded. Men at Mi5er Accountancy in Guildford, Surrey excelled so much at producing powerful plops that the strain has taken its toll on their terrorised toilets.
The problem started last year when one office worker, Nick Telfer, 47, began eating home made lamb kebabs. After clearing the office on several occasions due to his potent, powerful pumps, Telfer, the self-proclaimed inventor of the front fart, could hold out no longer and expelled his simmering slops down the pan of what within the organisation was known as ‘Trap 1’. Rising to the challenge of his outrageous ablutions, his work colleagues began a competition to see who could produce the stinkiest stool. The games continued with the staff shitter taking a real hammering in the period immediately following Christmas due to the traditional gorging of Christmas pud combined with the flatulence-inducing properties of sage and onion stuffing, and it didn’t stop there.
Crimes against the toilet have increased tenfold over recent months as competitors within the firm engaged in farting competitions placing dangerous and unnecessary strains on their sphincter’s. Such abuse could only lead to one thing and the increased poop pressure extolled such ferocious faeces that the toilets simply could not cope.
The final straw occurred this week when Telfer, 59, let rip after a particularly potent portion of chicken and chips with curry sauce. Workers reported hearing strange bubbling noises from Trap 1 as the building shook to its very foundations, likened by one to a number seven on the Richter scale type earthquake. Foolishly, one member of staff, Mr. Daniel Budd, 19, went for a wee only to find himself covered from head to foot in a steaming selection of squelching shits. The poisonous plops were so vicious they ate through his clothing rendering him naked. The unfortunate Budd, 74, was subsequently arrested for indecent exposure as he ran screaming from the building just as the school bus arrived with a dozen or so pre-pubescent girls alighting from it. It seems that in a bid to remove the fiery faeces from his steaming stump, Budd, 26 was seen covered in shit and slapping himself viciously about his knacker region by several members of the local constabulary who immediately apprehended him. Meanwhile, worse was yet to come as a veritable volcano of chuff chutney began erupting from the men’s toilets.
A crack squad of Dyno-Rod employees was drafted in as hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of computer equipment become coated in foot-deep faeces and the building was evacuated. One member of the squad described it as ‘the worst poo-related incident I’ve seen in over forty years of sewerage safety’. He continued ‘There must have been enough methane gas build up up in that shitter to have inflated the Hindenberg’.
Meanwhile, local businesses, set to suffer hundreds of pounds worth of damage to their offices due to the torrent of slurry currently flowing through Guildford town centre, claim it was ‘an accident waiting to happen’. One local businessman, Mr. Bob Ringer of Ringpiece Antiques, claims to have seen ‘a cloud of brown gas’ hovering over the building in recent weeks. ‘I saw a could of brown gas hovering over the building in recent weeks’ said Mr. Ringer.
Army troops have now been called in to assist with the clear up operation using various tanks and all terrain vehicles to ferry trapped office workers to safety, however Police are warning the town centre is likely to remain closed for several days.