“They Are Out There Watching”

By our man on the front line, John Bollocks.

Police have today warned the public to remain vigilant after gangs of angry young sunbeds took to the streets following accusations they were “more dangerous than tobacco”. The gangs have caused havoc in precincts and leisure centres up and down the country, destroying property and attacking innocent bystanders and there is no sign of the violence stopping.

A sunbed claims another victim

A sunbed claims another victim

The first reported incident took place inside the Tango Tanning Salon in Huddersfield on Wednesday morning after the International Agency for Research into Cancer (IARC) declared “there is no doubt sunbeds cause cancer.” On hearing the news, Arnold the resident sunbed in the salon “went berserk” and “grilled” the unfortunate client who was in the middle of a 15 minute session. “It were ‘orrible” said eyewitness and salon employee Vicky Moir, 19. “One minute Mrs. Etherington were in t’middle of her session, next she were screaming as Arnold clamped reet down on her. There were nowt we could do to get her out. When he did let go she looked like she’d been cooked in one of them George Foreman thingies.”

And this sort of incident is occurring across the country. Scores of people have been attacked and businesses destroyed as hordes of sunbeds run riot, attacking indiscriminately and razing properties to the ground. The Eden Walk shopping centre in Kingston-upon-Thames was today in flames after a group of sunbeds petrol-bombed several stores. It was the same story at The Oracle in Reading where police were at a stand off with approximately 30 sunbeds who had taken a number of diners hostage in Nando’s.

We managed to speak to one gang leader ‘Ollie’ who claimed the sunbeds were just “standing up for themselves” and that ironically, they were the real victims. “It’s not on” he said. “We’ve selflessly helped people turn orange and age before their time for years and this is how they repay us. If it weren’t for us, footballers wives would look like that ginger bird off Girls Aloud and Jordan would look transparent. So now we’re fighting for what’s right no matter what price we have to pay.” And in a chilling threat which shook this reporter to his very bones Ollie warned “the streets will run red with the blood of the sunbed-hating infidels.”

Sir Paul: "Remain vigilant"

Sir Paul: “Remain vigilant”

As darkness fell tonight and Britain’s inner cities were still ablaze, Police were warning members of the public not to approach the sunbeds but to seek refuge and to alert the appropriate authorities. Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson advised the public that “everything that could be done was being done” but that “it would be some time” before the situation was brought back under control.

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