By Boltvault Business Analyst Greg Wad


Tissue giants Kleenex are reportedly in line for a bumper pay day after confirmation Women’s Boxing would be granted more screen time. A spokesman for the company claimed the move was directly linked to the upsurge in masturbation likely to ensue as scantily clad women get hot and sweaty while belting the living daylights out of each other.

“Frankly we can’t believe our luck” said Fred Webb, the tissue giant’s spokesman. “Research shows that our product is the cleaning material of choice for the discerning wanker due to the excellent levels of absorbency and the soothing qualities of our aloe-vera line. With this amount of girl-on-girl action we’re well placed to clean up, if you’ll pardon the pun” he explained.

Hannah "gagging for it"

Hannah “gagging for it”

And according to an exclusive Boltvault poll conducted amongst the deviant community it seems he may just be right. Our survey of 100 miscreants from across the country revealed that to a man, they were considering knocking one out during the bouts which are likely to be screened live on Sky. One such callous-handed, short-sighted spanker, Trevor Hannah of Colchester said he “couldn’t wait” so he could “get in some proper chicken choking”. “I’m gagging for it” said Hannah, 41. “Normally I have to stroke along to Aerobics Oz Style on Sky if I want any fitness-related female action. This will be an absolute Godsend to furry-pawed palmists like myself.”

The increased televising of women’s boxing is also expected to give a much-needed boost to the sex-tourism trade as thousands of European strokers are expected to descend on the UK to watch the bouts at venues across the land. Russell Watson of recently-formed Spunktours UK said the news couldn’t have come at a better time. “This is fantastic news for sex-tourists” said Watson. “Trips to Thailand for ladyboy action have fallen in the past few years, so travelling tossers have been seeking new destinations. However, as a result of the announcement we’ve already received a flood of bookings and it shows no sign of letting up. We may need to hire some more coaches and a shit load of plastic sheeting just to cope” he explained.

However, members of London’s Sanitation Department were less impressed. “All this means for us is more wading through other people’s jizz” complained employee Les Bennett. “It’ll be just like the time we had to clean up after a Russell Brand gig. I’m still having nightmares about that one.”

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