By our man with the Swarfega, John Bollocks.

A man was in custody this morning after Police raided a house in the sleepy village of Chinnor in Oxfordshire. Concerned neighbors raised the alarm after a series of distressed screams were heard from within the property. Upon entry to the house, officers were greeted by a scene of what one policeman described simply as “utter carnage.”

The lounge of the property was littered with beer cans and associated filth in the middle of which was a beast that upon first inspection appeared to be a cross between Neanderthal Man and Bigfoot. A local vet was called to the scene who later confirmed that the beast, in excess of six feet tall and some 19 stones in weight, was in fact a human being albeit of a lower order of the species being of Northern origin. Although seemingly unconscious due to imbibing 24 cans of Stella Artois single-handedly, police marksmen took the precaution of shooting the half-man half-ape with a dart containing a strong sedative before summoning a local skip company to remove it to the police station.

Bell: Half-man, half-ape

Bell: Half-man, half-ape

As the search of the property resumed, officers discovered the pitiful sight of a man in his 20’s slumped on the lavatory, his trousers round his ankles and with a piece of wood still clenched between his teeth. As paramedics roused the man he began to scream again shouting “Please make it stop, oh for the love of God, please make it stop.” As the man police later revealed as one Russell Watson, 12, an IT geek also known as Briefcase Wanker, was removed from the toilet, his arse fell out, apparently the result of extreme sexual violation from the beast located in the lounge. He was rushed to the local hospital where doctors this morning described his condition as ‘critical but stable’.

Police sources this morning have revealed the identity of the ‘Beast’ to be one Martin Bell, 41, a Northerner of dubious character and with a history of sexual misdemeanors. These include an incident with a Llama in Bolton Zoo in 1996 and an arrest for gross indecency with a Donkey on Blackpool beach in 2001 although Bell maintains to this day he was merely ‘riding’ the animal. It transpired this morning though that ‘Maxi Mutang’ as he is known within certain circles, was to be charged with raiding the Chutney Locker of Mr. Watson, 59, and causing GBH of the Harris. In a statement issued by his solicitor Mr. Ekky Thump, Bell, 43, denied the allegations.

Said Mr. Thump: “Eeeh, I’ll go t’foot of our stairs. Trouble at Mill, Nay Mr. Wilkes. All my client is guilty of is being of good, solid Northern stock and looking like a Yeti. That combined wi eyes that look like sheep’s twats, has landed him in strife wi t’law. The alleged injuries t’Watson lad are merely a result of a reet spicy curry that t’shandy drinking Southern lass couldn’t handle. My client vigorously denies all t’charges and will fight t’bitter end to prove his innocence.”

Mr. Thump had to break off at this point to take his prize-winning whippet Shirley for a walk and to pick up a loaf of Hovis and some Yorkshire Puddings from his Aunt Bessie.

Watson - Briefcase Wanker

Watson: Briefcase Wanker

Meanwhile doctors have confirmed that Mr. Watson, 14, is suffering from a condition known as ‘Re-entry Arse’. The condition takes its name from the extreme temperatures the Space Shuttle sustains upon re-entry to the Earth’s atmosphere which scorch the heat resistant tiles on its nose, base and wings. Victims of Re-entry Arse suffer similar burns to their ring piece and rear pillows after particularly violent bouts of anal sex or when sending a sausage to the seaside after a spicy meal.  The doctor treating Mr. Watson, 98, Dr. Toeknee Heart, confirmed the condition could have been caused by a curry as Bell alleges but the injuries inflicted were much more consistent with the frenzied attack of a large sexual predator, as there were what he described as ‘Bell-like indentations’ on the inside of Mr. Watson’s brown tea-towel holder. Despite Bell’s claims that the are due to Watson’s self-abuse with a Black Mamba dildo, he is still expected before Magistrates later today to face charges of Extreme Bum Trickery and being in possession of a Bellamy Beard.

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