Report by Boltvault man in the departures lounge, John Bollocks.

Investigators into the missing Malaysian Airways flight MH370 which disappeared in March have released details of a new line of enquiry. Officials for the airline today announced they were on the hunt for a mysterious island which has the capability to relocate at a given time and on which they believe the flight may have crash landed.

Conan Thebarbarian, lead investigator into the disappearance informed journalists at a news conference in Malaysia this morning that they had received information from an unnamed source urging them to seek out the island, believed to be inhabited by a strange selection of individuals.

According to Mr Thebarbarian, the island has a number of inhabitants including a bald, formerly paralysed man with a penchant for knives and superior tracking skills; a woolly-haired fat man who never seems to lose any weight; a prick tease brunette with a troubled and mysterious past;; a trailer trash conman; former member of the Iraqi Republican Guard and a South Korean fisherman. He further elaborated on the inhabitants stating that they were ‘not alone’ as there was also a group of ‘others’ believed to be on the Island.

A woolly-haired man

A woolly-haired man

This latest theory behind the disappearance is based on the belief that a large magnetic pulse emanated from the island causing the flight to plummet towards the sea and disappear from radar screens.

An Island today

An Island today

The theory has however been discounted by a little-known scientific group known as the Dharma Initiative. In a statement issued by the group they claim there is ‘no substance’ to the claims. “In our considered opinion the Island theory is a nonsense. There is no scientific proof that such an Island exists nor that any such inhabitants would be found on it. Furthermore, we believe the existence of Polar Bears and plumes of smoke which can kill a man are also extremely unlikely.”

Mr Thebarbarian remained resolute in his beliefs however claiming this was merely an attempt by the Dharma Initiative to deflect attention from the Island in order to ‘cover up’ their own involvement in dubious social tests believed to have taken place on this very island. “They are sneaky liars” he said. “We have picked up a recording from a French woman on the island and are tracing this in an attempt to find survivors.”

The search continued this afternoon with one slight development, the discovery of the charred remains of a raft believed to be constructed from a combination of bamboo and airplane fuselage bearing the mysterious inscription ‘Sawyer was here’……..

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