Boltvault Babysitter

Yes that’s right folks, those boffins at Boltvault Engineering have done it again. In a joint venture with the makers of Stella Artois, the beer that’s reassuringly expensive, we have come up with the answer to all your problems at a price that suits you.

Before leaving on a night out, simply hook up your child to the Boltvault Babysitter and all your parenting worries will disappear! Its unique 24-can design means that you can leave your child safely for periods of up to 3 days (depending on age) with the Boltvault Babysitter giving it all the sustenance a growing child requires.

The Boltvault Babysitter performs 3 basic functions:

1.  Pacifies your child through the intoxicating pleasure provided by Madame Artois

2. The coma inducing qualities of Stella will ensure a noise-free night for parents returning from the pub and needing plenty of kip

3. Temporary paraplegia as a result of the unique 24-can design means your house will remain in pristine condition until your return.

And as a bonus, the Boltvault Babysitter will also save marriages while still offering the flexibility of extra-marital affairs if required. The ability to leave your child unattended yet safe will negate the need to employ a teen temptress to watch over the nipper in question. The requirement to perform backseat Olympics with said babysitter while seeing her home safely will remove all your good lady’s suspicions and allow you to fornicate on other nights when she thinks you are working late.

But don’t just take our word for it. Take a look at what these proud parents had to say about the Boltvault Babysitter:

Wayne & Waynetta

“Me and my Wayne use the Boltvault Babysitter all the time, well when the giro comes in anyway. It’s easy to use and as long as Wayne don’t drink it first, it keeps little Frogmella quiet which gives me more time to smoke fags and watch Jeremy Kyle on the telly.” – Council tenant and ‘Practical Parenting’columnist, Waynetta Slob.




Rose West

“My late husband and I always used to lock the kids up when we murdered prostitutes, runaways and our own family. How much easier it would have been had we been able to use the Boltvault Babysitter. As it was we had to make do with Scotch tape and chains to keep them quiet.” – Murderess and owner of awful specs, Rose West.



Jack Tweed

“I swear by the Boltvault Babysitter it’s fucking brilliant. Since the tragic death of my wife Jade Goody, I’ve been really struggling to find the time to spend her kids’ inheritance in between jail visits and pretending to look after them. This revolutionary new system will really help me piss their cash up the wall. Thank you Boltvault, thank you.” – Piss-head, jail bird and husband of, ahem, ‘National Treasure’ Jade Goody, Jack Tweed.

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