Special report by Boltvault physician, Dr. Julian Quimm.
Coming hot on the heels of the announcement this morning that an increase in oral cancer has been linked somewhat tenuously to alcohol, scientists at the privately funded Bob Cratchett Biolabs have today confirmed that not being dead can increase the risk of contracting cancer in some form by 100%. Dr. Sebastian Saniflo claims that his research “proves beyond all doubt” that if you are alive you are much more likely to suffer from the disease than if you are dead.
“Nobody can argue with my findings” claimed Dr. Saniflo. “I have performed tests on over 100 dead people and exposed them to overhead pylons, radioactive waste, alcohol, cigarettes, sunbeds and even those little foam shrimps you can get at the pick and mix in the cinema. I can unequivocally confirm that not one of the rotting corpses suffered even the mildest form of cancer. However, when I performed the same tests on live human subjects, the results were different altogether. Almost 75% contracted cancer in form or another while 20% were fryed alive on the pylons I was using. This also proves another theory of mine that high voltage electricity is more deadly to live people than dead ones. Frankly, simply by breathing you are playing Russian Roulette with your very life” he said.
The findings of Dr. Saniflo were greeted with suspicion in some quarters, in particular by members of the foam shrimp production industry. Mark Wheeltrim, spokesman for sweet-maker Haribo claimed that “there was no link whatsoever” between the little pink goodies and the deadly disease. “It’s simply not true” said Wheeltrim. He continued “Unfortunately this is just another scare tactic designed to scare people witless about what they eat or drink or how they spend their leisure time. We firmly refute any link and while we’re on the subject, I can also confirm that eating too many foam bananas’ does not turn your knob yellow or adopt a banana-like shape which was a previous claim by this so-called authority.”
Members of the medical community were less sceptical though. Dr. Wilber Porksword of Guys Hospital London described Dr. Saniflo’s findings as “very interesting”. Said Dr. Porksword “These findings are quite remarkable and should not be discounted. Quite simply it has never occurred to the medical profession as a whole that by being alive you are at increased risk of contracting just about any disease around. Clearly further research is necessary but it may well be that we can investigate the impact of diseases such as AIDS and Malaria on live subjects as opposed to dead ones. I wouldn’t mind betting that it’s virtually impossible for a dead person to catch AIDS but we’ll have to wait and see.”
The Government meanwhile, always keen to jump on the back of any bandwagon, has ordered the production of informative leaflets which will be delivered to every household in Britain warning of the dangers that being alive can pose. The leaflets entitled “Better off Dead?” will give recipients useful information on how best to avoid disease by being dead and in turn, the most effective methods of doing themselves in. David Cameron is expected to address Parliament on the subject in Prime Ministers Questions this afternoon urging Britons to consider death as an alternative to the spread of pandemics such as Swine Flu. A spokesman for Mr. Cameron said this morning that “This could really get us out of a hole. With pension provision completely inadequate and the spiralling costs of administering the NHS, a spate of national suicides could really help to decrease the surplus population and ensure ministers like myself who are too yellow-bellied to consider suicide, will retire on gargantuan pensions in the future. Result!”