By our man with his balls in his hands, Snooper van Minge
There were fears this morning that Andrew Murray’s US Open dream could be over after the tennis ace was rushed to hospital in the early hours. While Murray Mania swept across the country, the young Brit was lying on a hospital bed in agony as doctors examined him.
It seems the extreme heat at Flushing Meadows took it’s toll on Murray as he battled his way through to the next round. In a scenario no-one could have foreseen, doctors were astounded to see that Murray’s testicles had swelled to space-hopper-like proportions rendering the 22 year-old Scot unable to walk and in extreme distress.
An orderly at the Tony Soprano Memorial Hospital in Queens described the scene; “Murray was wheeled in on a trolley sobbing his heart out” he explained. “There were doctors and nurses rushing round frantically trying to help him but to be honest I don’t think anyone quite knew what to expect. When the sheet covering Andy was removed there were gasps of amazement. His bollocks were simply huge. I don’t think anyone had ever seen anything quite like it – one nurse even fainted.”
Early indications are that seminal fluid within Murray’s normally average-sized knackers was heated almost to boiling point which in turn caused the scrotal tissue to expand rapidly. This resulted in a condition known as ‘Conkerus Boilus Extremis’ or Boiled Conkers Syndrome. Resident Boltvault physician Dr Julian Quimm explains; “BCS as we call it within the medical profession can occur in environments where unusually high temperatures are prevalent such as the jungle or the desert for example, or maybe a Vietnamese knocking shop. The fluid within the scrotum heats rapidly causing discomfort and swelling to the testicular area. Ordinarily the scrotum, usually baggy enough to accommodate such changes in size, will stretch accordingly but in extreme cases the results can be devastating as Andy appears to have discovered. “
A spokesman for the hospital this afternoon confirmed that Murray has been admitted during the night and that while he had been treated for a “rare condition” he was “on the road to recovery.” When pressed as to whether Murray would be able to play his next match on Wednesday, the spokesman stated only that “the next 24 hours were crucial.”
However, Dr. Quimm was more sceptical, especially given the painful treatment Murray was likely to have received. “I think it’s extremely doubtful Andy will be able to continue” he warned. “To reduce the swelling staff will have had to drain the testicles and if the fluid levels and swelling were as bad as we are led to believe, they could only have done this with a hose from a fire truck or an industrial suction pump. Having one of those clamped to your nuts is no joke let me tell you.”
He continued “The problem isn’t necessarily reducing the swelling; it’s what to do with the excess sack, post-fluid reduction. In most cases people end up with bollocks looking like a granny’s elbow but he’s going to have a sack like the ears of an African Elephant after this and will require further surgery to have it removed. I can’t see that happening before Wednesday and I bet there’s not a pair of shorts in the world which can cope with that amount of excess skin. Frankly it would be like cramming a carpet into a handkerchief.”
As news of Murray’s injury spread, well-wishers gathered outside the hospital to offer their support and to generally inhibit the smooth running of the hospital by crowding round the entrance and sobbing along the surrounding pavements. One jobless lay-about attired in garish Union Flag garb sobbed uncontrollably until she was hit on the head with a night stick as part of the Police’s usual tactics for crowd control.
Meanwhile a US Open spokesman said that a decision on the star’s participation would be made later today. A nation waits expectantly…..