By our man down the nick, John Bollocks
Police have today apprehended a mouse at Heathrow airport on charges of theft and the suspected trafficking of celebrity human hair. Bertram Mouse, 24 of no fixed abode was arrested by airport police acting on a tip-off as he attempted to board a flight to Kazakhstan, reputedly a hot bed for the black market sale of stolen celebrity mullets.
Detective Chief Superintendent Bernard Cock described the arrest as “significant in the fight against global hair theft”. In a brief statement to the waiting press, DCS Cock further expanded on this by saying “There is no place in decent society for mice who break into the houses of the rich and famous to callously rob them of their hair and their dignity in this manner. Bertram Mouse’s reign of terror is at an end. Celebrities the world over can sleep safer tonight in the knowledge he is behind bars where he belongs”.
Bertram’s arrest came after a spate of robberies at celebrity homes across the country, most recently at the home of game show God and Strictly Come Dancing host, Bruce Forsyth. Brucie, 99, awoke to find his hair missing with no apparent explanation.
“Imagine my surprise. I thought I’d played my cards right when went to bed with my normally luxuriant, flowing locks freshly washed using only L’oreal products because I’m worth it. But when I awoke from my slumber it wasn’t nice to see you to see you nice as it had all disappeared! It was an extremely distressing time for me, you bet. I just hope that as a result of this arrest, other previously full headed celebrities like me don’t have to go through a similar experience” he said.
Meanwhile Bertram’s solicitor Derek Wank claimed that the whole affair was a huge mistake and remained defiant as to the innocence of his client. “Bertram is completely innocent of all charges and we will fight these allegations even if we have to go to the highest court in the land”.
Mr. Wank also poured scorn on the allegations claiming that the actual amount of hair upon Bertram’s person was well in line with international guidelines on hair transportation and was in fact of a celebrity-free variety. “In accordance with the International Transportation of Hair Follicles Act 1997, Bertram was found to be carrying just 3oz of human hair for personal use, well below the 18oz limit. We further dispute that 18oz of hair could be retrieved from the head of Mr. Forysth who is renowned for sporting a hairpiece. Furthermore, it is our contention that far from possessing luxurious locks coated in L’oreal products, Mr. Forsyth is as bald as a boiled egg and the only product used on his celebrity pate is Mr. Sheen”.
Despite this strong rebuff, Bertram remains incarcerated in London’s Paddington Green police station having been formally charged. He is expected before magistrates in the morning.