By our man in a cagoule, John Bollocks

Its official, the Met Office cannot predict the weather. In a shock announcement this morning the boffins, who for decades have tried in vain to predict rain or shine, finally admitted they were a shower of shit. Having previously predicted a “barbeque summer”, the Met Office changed their forecast following sightings of a large wooden boat filled with pairs of every species of animal on the planet. And as rain poured down across the UK and thousands of holidaymakers were stuck in their caravans, tents and B&B’s, a spokesman for the Met Office said “Actually, we think there might be a spot of rain after all.”

The boat which forced the change in forecast

The boat which forced the change in forecast

Famed for its high-tech weather prediction methods such as worshipping of the Egyptian Sun God Ra, praying to the Nordic God of thunder and lightning Thor and waving bits of seaweed around while dancing naked round a bonfire and sacrificing chickens, the agency is said to be “shocked” that they have once again buggered up the forecast for the summer. Spokesman Jim Wiggins said “This really is astonishing. Why only last week the magic beans we have been using most recently in our forecasting told us we were heading for a drought so we are really shocked by this continued period of wet weather. I can only assume that perhaps one of the beans may have been faulty.”

The Met Office - "Full of twats"

The Met Office – “Full of twats”

However, another theory put forward places the blame firmly at the feet of a youth group in Chichester. It seems that the Bromley Road Youth Theatre has been practicing a play portraying the lives of Native American Indians. The play apparently features a scene in which the children perform a rain dance, traditionally performed by the Indians in an attempt to bring forth the rain in times of extreme drought. With the group practicing daily for the past few weeks, the Met Office believes this may be a major influence on current conditions. “Oh well there you go then” said Jim Wiggins when told of the play. “I mean you can hardly expect us to get it right when you have amateur dramatical groups performing rain dances willy-nilly across the country now can you? Thank goodness it wasn’t the beans though. I was quite worried for a minute there.”

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