By our man with his hands in a muff, John Bollocks.
MI5 has today revealed the discovery of a fiendish new terror weapon designed to bring the UK grinding to a standstill this winter. A spokesman for the security service, Tom Tit, claimed that an Islamic terror cell based in Kilmarnock, Scotland, has been preparing to churn out bad weather via a cutting-edge weather machine constructed in a garage.
Mr. Tit explained how a modified Mr. Frosty ice maker had been discovered after a tip off from worried neighbours who spotted several Asian men acting suspiciously around the garage after dark. Anti-terror squad officers raided the garage following a period of observation and discovered the machine along with a three-foot Percy Penguin and a selection of giant ice lolly moulds. The spokesman also confirmed that three men in their twenties were arrested at the scene and are currently being held in separate police stations.
“This was a particularly sinister plot designed to cripple the country and cause as much chaos as possible” said Mr. Tit. “Knowing that half a pound of sugar spilling from a shopping bag is enough to cause major road closures in the South East, these men went a step further and prepared to unleash a series of weather fronts designed to bring the country to its knees. They spent their evenings shovelling ice into a giant plastic snowman, not with the intention of producing multi-coloured ice lollies and crushed ice beverages, but to cause misery and suffering to millions of innocent people.”
It seems the device had been hooked up to an industrial pump and a large piece of plastic tubing which would cause the contents of Mr Frosty’s stomach to be propelled into the sky. Reacting with the low temperatures and moisture in the clouds, this would cause the formation of snow clouds which combined with favourable winds believed to be created by a small man on a radio antennae waving a piece of cardboard, would push the freak front down the country.
Former weather man and owner of questionable jumpers Michael Fish described the machine as “remarkable”. “Who’d off thought it?” he said. “My children had one of these in the 80’s but all they managed to achieve was a slightly slushy, fruity drink which ruined my carpet when they spilled the contents while watching a particularly exciting episode of Dogtanian & the Three Muskehounds. It really is quite remarkable” he continued.
It appears this isn’t the first time that snow has featured in a terror plot. Details have been revealed that the Saddam Hussein regime once concealed integral parts of weapons of mass destruction in snow drifts knowing the Western aversion to the frozen substance. It’s alleged that UN inspectors in the region were seen scratching their heads and shrugging their shoulders when faced with the drifts which were in some places up to three inches deep. Instead the inspectors halted the search in the area until gritters and snow ploughs could be located. They also closed local schools and stockpiled produce from the local supermarkets in case they were forced to stay in their hotels for a sustained period of time.