By Boltvault political correspondent David MingelbyWith just days to go until the vote for Scottish Independence, the whole balance of the campaign was thrown into turmoil today as news emerged that Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond had been admitted to hospital with a mystery illness.
An unnamed source within the Yes campaign admitted that Salmond 98, had been admitted to St Rob Roy’s hospital in Glasgow after a strange growth appeared on his forehead. The source described the growth as being “as big as a football” and as such was “a serious cause for concern.” In fact, such is the scale of the illness that speculation is rife Salmond will not be fit enough to attend the vote and the campaign could be in ruins.
“Let’s face it” said the insider. “We’re asking Scotland to vote for a bloke who is fairly nuts anyway. So what are the chances of him winning with a zit the size of a footy on his knapper?” Sources in Westminster echoed those comments saying “This couldn’t have come at a better time. While we (snigger) offer our heartfelt wishes for a speedy recovery to Mr Salmond, it’s clear that not attending the vote in person puts him at a disadvantage and frankly, can’t do anything other than damage the campaign.” The source then collapsed in a fit of giggles so this reporter made his excuses and left.Despite tight security, we managed to obtain secret photographs of Salmond arriving at the hospital which show the ‘growth’ in all its glory. Reviewing the pictures, Boltvault physician Dr Julian Quimm said “This is a serious facial disfigurement and whilst we all want to be seen as politically correct, it’s hard to vote for someone when they look like Peter Beardsley’s uglier older brother.
“We’ve seen time and time again that the ugliest politicians struggle. Just look at Margaret Beckett and Robin Cooke for example. Faces like a blind cobbler’s thumb. And don’t even get me started on Mo Mowlem Bow wow.”