Rib Injuries Increase Tenfold say Doctors
By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks.
Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew in Milton Keynes as Manchester United were knocked out of the League Cup tie against MK Dons.
Dr. Rick Shaw of St. Scousers hospital, Liverpool said that a large number of local residents had arrived in A&E after the match suffering from a variety of injuries. “A number of patients complained of rib and abdominal pain which at first we attributed to drunken falls. However, as we investigated further it became apparent that the injuries were consistent with heavy and prolonged bouts of excessive laughter.
“In addition to these injuries, we also experienced instances where fully grown adults had spontaneously urinated or defecated in their trousers” he continued.
It seems that large swathes of the population were laughing so ferociously at the latest in a series of mishaps to blight the former champions that the injuries witnessed by Dr. Shaw were replicated at doctor’s surgeries and emergency departments across the UK. GP’s this morning reported rises of up to 150% as injured people arrived at their surgeries. “This is worse than anything we have seen even from Scottish people watching England at the World Cup” said GP, Bill Derbear.
One patient, Phil Yerboots, 49 from Toxteth could still barely speak when we interviewed him. In between bouts of laughter he simply managed to say “The Mancs, they’re just shit. And they thought they were going to get top four this season – they couldn’t beat a man with one leg in an arse kicking competition haahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
As businesses already counting the cost of employees holidays braced themselves for more absenteeism, questions were raised as to the conduct of the United team and the club itself. Secretary of State for Culture, Media & Sport, Sajid David has even questioned whether or not United should be banned from playing any more matches this season in an attempt to reduce further injury.
“It’s clear that the performance of the Manchester United team last night has caused widespread hysterical and maniacal laughter across the country” he said. “This has massively impacted the ability of the nation as a whole to function properly and the team and the club as a whole has to face up to its responsibilities. I will therefore be lobbying for the Premier League to suspend any further matches in order to prevent further embarrassment and loss of earnings.”
When told of Mr. David’’s plans, United manager Louis van Gaal told waiting reporters “It’s not fair. That Scottish twat Fergie left Moyes with a God-awful team and he cocked it up further buying that useless donkey Fellaini. Now I’m left picking up the pieces. If it wasn’t for my dear, dear Robin [van Persie] I don’t know what I’d do.” At this point van Gaal sobbed uncontrollably, stopping only briefly to kiss a framed picture of van Persie dressed in lingerie and standing in a sop window.