“Piss-Easy” claims layabout

Report by Boltvault Science editor, Peter Petriedish

A man from Grimsby has poured scorn on the revelations that scientists in Newcastle have successfully created human sperm, by claiming he’s “been doing that for years”. Steve Jenkins, 29, an unemployed kitchen-fitter claims the “world first” as described by the boffins is nothing of the kind.

Jenkins: "Loads of Spunk"

Jenkins: “Loads of Spunk”

“Listen, I’ve been producing sperm for years me. Ask any of the six lasses on our estate I’ve got up the stick and they’ll tell you there’s plenty of lead in my pencil” said Jenkins. He added “They reckon just ‘cos they’ve created it in a lab is something special – is it bollocks. I got sent to the headmaster’s office in year 12 for knocking one out in the science lab over Louise Simms. How hard can it be?”

Jenkins told of how on hearing the news, he couldn’t believe his ears. “I couldn’t believe me ears” he said. “I were getting ready to go down the job centre for my weekly attempt to keep the giro coming by pretending to seek for work, keeps ‘em happy, you know how it is. All of a sudden I hear this announcement on the news saying some scientists had created spunk or something. I was so shocked I nearly knackered the joint I was skinning up. It’s mental mate.”

According to Jenkins the whole affair is an elaborate attempt by upper class people to belittle the pro-creational skills of the lower classes. Swigging from his can of Special Brew, Jenkins told of the conspiracy. “If you ask me right, it’s just posh twats making out they’re right clever and their jizz is better than ours which it isn’t. No way. I bet half of them have only knocked up one bird if that. 14 kids I’ve got me, and I don’t have to pay a thing for them ‘cos the state sorts it mate. I bet they have to pay for theirs out of their own pockets so who’s clever – them or me?”

Jenkins was unable to elaborate further on his theory as he had “a bit of business down the precinct” to attend to.

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