‘Kill Them All’ say Ministers

By our woman in Westminster, Selina Clownspocket.

The government has today announced revolutionary new plans to cut CO2 emissions and reduce the UK’s carbon footprint. Following a two-year study by the University of Leamington Spa, Government ministers have revealed that a cull of old people and cows will begin in 2015 in an attempt to reduce levels by 30% within 5 years.

Spokesman for the Department of the Environment, Ted Rash, said ‘With people living longer and therefore continuing to breathe for extended periods of time, combined with an increase in the vast herds of cattle bred for meat consumption, we have little option than to begin a cull if we hope to save the planet for future generations.’

Further details of the plans will be released in the coming weeks and are expected to include the erection of a series of centres around the country where people over the age of 65 will be sent for ‘processing’. Said Mr. Rash ‘We aim to have collection points at railway stations around the UK where senior citizens will be herded into cattle trucks and transported to specially selected sites for recycling. These centres should be in place by early March 2015 and we hope to start this very important work by the end of April.

Old people await processing at the centres

Old people await processing at the centres

‘On arrival at the centres, pensioners will be sorted by weight and fitness levels and plunged into large vats where they will be smashed to a pulp. The resulting pulp will then shipped to McDonald’s, Burger King and to a lesser extent, Wimpey outlets where they will be used as a replacement for burger meat, thus reducing the reliance on cows for human consumption’ explained Mr. Rash.

He continued ‘To further reduce energy demands, the fittest pensioners will be employed to run within giant hamster wheels which will provide the motion required to power these pulping machines. Instead of waiting to die or be abused by carers, forgotten or ignored by their families within homes, old people will actually be doing something constructive with their time. Instead of feeling weak or a burden on society, senior citizens will now feel a sense of pride for the service they are providing in their albeit short-lived retirement.’

However, opponents to the scheme have likened it to ‘something out of Nazi Germany’. Help the Aged spokesperson Vanessa Birdseye said the charity was ‘appalled’ by the plans. ‘This is nothing short of genocide’ she claimed. ‘It’s just another example of the Government’s detachment from reality and proof that David Cameron is madder than an umbrella.’

One Tory backbencher defended the plans though saying they would be ‘good for the economy.’ Arthur Flatcap, MP for Dewsbury West Yorkshire said ‘With the country still reeling from the effects of a global economy, spiraling unemployment and the ongoing issue of the pension’s crisis, here we have a series of initiatives which will address all these issues head on.

An old person today

An old person today

‘Youths who previously had no hope of a job and faced a future of crime and drug dependency can instead look forward to new opportunities in the mass murder of our senior citizens without the fear of facing criminal prosecution for their actions. They can hold their heads high, safe in the knowledge that with every urine-smelling, faeces-covered, wrinkly corpse they dispose of, they are saving the planet for the children of tomorrow’ continued Mr. Flatcap.

‘Additionally, by killing everyone over 65 the issue of state pensions virtually disappears. I say virtually because clearly MP’s will be exempt from the cull in deference to their exemplary and vital service to the country. With the extra funds available for a smaller section of the populous, we can continue to live a life of extravagance befitting our position as we approach the twilight of our lives. All in all, these measures really will be the making of this country’ he concluded.

Prime Minister David Cameron was unavailable for comment as he was busy scrawling illiterate letters of condolence to the families of armed forces personnel killed on active service.

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