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	<title>Boltvault</title>
	<link>http://www.boltvault.com</link>
	<description></description>
	<lastBuildDate>Sun, 07 Feb 2010 16:31:25 +0000</lastBuildDate>
	<docs>http://backend.userland.com/rss092</docs>
	<language>en</language>
	
	<item>
		<title>Holly McGuire</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Welcome Holly McGuire, likes spending time with friends and family, but then likes the wild nights out! Essex based Hollys stats are 32f-24-34
Name: Holly Mcguire
Location: Essex
Measurements: 32f-24-34
Height: 5ft5
Eye Colour: Dark Brown
Hair Colour/Length: Blonde/Mid Length (am growing it long)
Shoe size: 4
Dress Size: 8-10
Experience (work that is!)
What type of modelling have you done so far? Swimwear, Lingerie, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/holly-mcguire</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>DR. QUIMM&#8217;S GUIDE TO KNOWING YOUR POO</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Hi, I’m resident Boltvault physician Dr. Julian Quimm and welcome to the first of my series of medical missives designed to help you recognise the tell-tale signs of illness or injury.
In my surgery today, I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson; a lesson which could save you hours of pain, suffering and embarrassment.
Put quite [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/dr-quimms-guide-to-knowing-your-poo</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Vikki-Gabrielle Holt</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Welcome to our West Yorkshire babe, Vikki! One of our questions is "strangest place you’ve ever had sex?" Vikki's reply was "beside the motorway", we really want to hear about this, was she broken down? Vikki's ideal night out is a good meal and some RnB, likes to keep fit (as we can see).
Name: Vikki-Gabrielle [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/vikki-gabrielle-holt</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Interview with a PUA</title>
		<description><![CDATA[What is a 'PUA'? 
PUA stands for “Pick up artist”. A man who is so good at picking up women its almost an “art”. There are various definitions; it’s even on Wikipedia. Put simply a PUA is a man who has skills that give him an advantage over regular guys when it comes to chatting [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/interview-with-a-pua</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>STAR WARS PULP FICTION</title>
		<description><![CDATA[This is another in the series of fantastic edits where images of Star Wars have been mixed with other movies and in our opinion, it's one of the best.
Star Wars and Pulp Fiction - genius!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/star-wars-pulp-fiction</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>BOOGIE NIGHTS MIX</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Take a dash of Dirk Diggler, a pinch of Han Solo, a drizzle of Luke Skywalker and a large portion of theme music and you've got the perfect recipe for a Star Wars / Boogie Nights mix!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/boogie-nights-mix</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>MOUSE HELD ON CELEBRITY HAIR THEFT CHARGES</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man down the nick, John Bollocks
Police have today apprehended a mouse at Heathrow airport on charges of theft and the suspected trafficking of celebrity human hair. Bertram Mouse, 24 of no fixed abode was arrested by airport police acting on a tip-off as he attempted to board a flight to Kazakhstan, reputedly a [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/mouse-held-on-celebrity-hair-theft-charges</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>EYE OF THE TIGER</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Very funny, and all about cheese - you can't go wrong!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/eye-of-the-tiger</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>STAR WARS AIRWOLF</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Another trip back to the 80's where we see clips from the movie legend that is Star Wars mixed with the opening titles of hi-tech helicopter adventure series, Airwolf.
This is brilliant!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/star-wars-airwolf</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>PROBLEMS PUTTING OUT</title>
		<description><![CDATA[ 
Dear Dr Quimm,
My boyfriend is always pestering me to have sex with him. It doesn't matter what time of the day or night it is, he always wants to sleep with me.
What can I do as I'm worried this sort of pressure will ruin our relationship?
Abi Daysarehereagain,
London
Dr. Quimm says:
Are you wasting my time or what? [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/problems-putting-out</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>ITALIAN CLASSIC</title>
		<description><![CDATA[As iconic movie lines go, this one is right up there.
It's 1969 and Michael Caine has amassed a band of crooks to pull of the crime of the decade - to steal a truck load of gold bullion from right under the noses of the Mafia.
Add in some Mini's, one of the best car chases [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/italian-classic</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>A-TEAM STAR WARS</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Ever wondered what would happen if you took the legendary 80's soldiers of fortune series The A-Team and mixed it with a dash of the original Star Wars trilogy? Well this is it folks, one of the best trailers you'll ever see. Pure genius!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/a-team-star-wars</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>WOMEN MORE LIKELY TO GIVE BIRTH THAN MEN &#8211; OFFICIAL</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man in the delivery room, John Bollocks
A new study undertaken by Cambridge University to be published next week claims that women are a staggering 100% more likely to give birth than men.  The study which was commissioned by the British Medical Association (BMA), ran tests over a 10 year period to see whether [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/women-more-likely-to-give-birth-than-men-official</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>HOSPITALS OVERWHELMED FOLLOWING LIVERPOOL DEFEAT. RIB INJURIES INCREASE TENFOLD</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man in surgical gloves, John Bollocks.
 
Hospitals across the country have been under siege by an influx of patients complaining of rib injuries. The epidemic is said to have started shortly after the final whistle blew at Anfield as Liverpool were knocked out of the FA Cup in their replay against Reading.
 
Dr. Rick Shaw [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/hospitals-overwhelmed-following-liverpool-defeat-rib-injuries-increase-tenfold</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>ROSS ANNOUNCES NEW TV PLANS</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By chief showbiz correspondent, Snooper van Minge.
Following his announcement yesterday that he was quitting the BBC after 13 years; Jonathan Ross has today announced plans for a new TV show which will also feature friend and comedian Russell Brand. Speaking to fans on his Wossy Twitter page, Ross described how his new show will feature [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/ross-announces-new-tv-plans</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>OXFORD MAN HELD ON VOYEUR CHARGES</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man twitching behind the curtains, John Bollocks.
Police were called to a house in upper crust Kidlington, Oxfordshire last night, to arrest an alleged pervert. The alarm was raised by neighbours who heard screaming emanating from a house in The Broadway area of the village. On entry to the address, police were alarmed to [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/oxford-man-held-on-voyeur-charges</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>NEW ELECTION POLICIES UNVEILED</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks.  
As the build up to a General Election starts to hot up, the major parties have today unveiled the policies they hope will see them elected. This morning Tory leader David Cameron told waiting journalists his party would be adopting a radical new ‘Name Calling’ policy which he [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/new-election-policies-unveiled</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>IT’S SNOW JOKE! LATEST TERROR PLOT UNCOVERED</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man with his hands in a muff, John Bollocks.
MI5 has today revealed the cold snap which has seen the UK grind almost to a standstill in recent days, is the result of the latest fiendish terror plot by Islamic extremists. A spokesman for the security service, Tom Tit, claimed that a terror cell [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/it%e2%80%99s-snow-joke-latest-terror-plot-uncovered</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Elise</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Welcome Essex based Elise - proud owner of one of the top 10 British bum's! Elise loves clubbing and drinking Malibu and Coke and also likes swimming pool changing rooms...
Name: Elise
Location: Essex
Measurements: 30E-24-34
Height: 5'5
Eye Colour: blue/green
Hair Colour/Length: blonde, waist length (all natural)
Shoe size: 5
Dress Size: 8/10
Experience (work that is!) Absolutely loads, but still not enough! lol
What [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/elise</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Amber Hughes</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Welcome Amber Hughes, our Plymouth-based beauty who enjoys being a DJ, likes JD, a sexy outfit and hot girlfriends. Fast cars have been mentioned a couple of times too! Please, read on...
Name: Amber Hughes
Location: Plymouth - Green Army!
Measurements: 30c -26 - 36
Height: 5'4
Eye Colour: Grey / Blue
Hair Colour/Length: Long, blonde
Shoe size: 6
Dress Size: 8/10
Experience (work [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/amber-hughes</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Obama Alien Defense</title>
		<description><![CDATA[President Obama defends the world from an alien invasion!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/obama-alien-defense</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Wordo</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Clear the board of letters by spelling words!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/wordo</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Snowboard Madness</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Strive to be the best as you ride the mountains.

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/snowboard-madness</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Deluxe Pool</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Use the pool cue to shoot and pocket the billiard balls.

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/deluxe-pool</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Police Chopper</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Use your skills as an elite Police Chopper pilot to serve the city.

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/police-chopper</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Shootin&#8217; Hoops</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Get past the other players and shoot a basket to win.


]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/shootin-hoops</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>NEW GOVERNMENT PLANS ON CLIMATE CHANGE ANNOUNCED &#8211; &#8216;KILL THEM ALL&#8217; SAY MINISTERS</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our woman in Westminster, Selina Clownspocket.
The government has today announced revolutionary new plans to cut CO2 emissions and reduce the UK’s carbon footprint. Following a two-year study by the University of Leamington Spa, Government ministers have revealed that a cull of old people and cows will begin in 2010 in an attempt to reduce [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/new-government-plans-on-climate-change-announced-kill-them-all-say-ministers</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>The must have cleaning product of the year</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Fed up with the sight of unsightly stains on humanity?
Want to say goodbye to nasty irritations?
Unable to remove those annoying Grimes from your TV every Saturday night?
Well look no further!
The boffins at Bolvault Industry in association with Cillit Bang have come up with the definitive product to meet all your cleaning needs!
NEW CILLIT GRIMES REMOVER!
 
 

Wave goodbye [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/new-from-boltvault-%e2%80%93-the-must-have-cleaning-product-of-the-yearnew-from-boltvault-%e2%80%93-the-must-have-cleaning-product-of-the-year</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>EXCLUSIVE! JEDWARD IN CAN’T SING SHOCK</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man with a slack jaw and even slacker morals, Snooper van Minge
Hit ITV talent show the X Factor has been plunged into turmoil today as shocking revelations came to light amid claims that Irish twins John and Edward cannot sing. The pair who have consistently been the best performers in the live shows [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/exclusive-jedward-in-can%e2%80%99t-sing-shock</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>BUM&#8217;S THE WORD &#8211; LABOUR ANNOUNCES NEW PLANS TO TACKLE SINGLE MUM&#8217;S</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man in Westminster, John Bollocks.
Health Secretary Andy Burnham today announced how Labour plans to tackle the mounting issue of unmarried mothers. In a radical new initiative, Mr. Burnham has called for the introduction of anal sex as an alternative method of contraception in an attempt to reduce pregnancy rates among women aged between [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/bums-the-word-labour-announces-new-plans-to-tackle-single-mums</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>X-POSED! X FACTOR TWINS SECRET DAD REVEALED</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man aghast, Snooper van Minge
As if the country wasn’t talking about them enough, shock new revelations about X Factor twins Jonathan and Edward look set to have tongues wagging even more. Startling new evidence has come to light which has revealed the twins are in fact the secret love children of 90’s rapper, [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/x-posed-x-factor-twins-scret-dad-revealed</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>MCINTYRE UNDER INVESTIGATION &#8211; ‘COMIC’ TO FACE TRADE DESCRIPTION ENQUIRY</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By Boltvault Showbiz reporter, Snooper van Minge.
Irritating, fast-talking, slanty-eyed, pink shirt-wearing twat Michael McIntyre was today at the centre of an investigation by Trading Standards officers after it emerged he was attempting to portray himself as ‘funny’ and travelling the UK ‘impersonating a comedian’.
The investigation follows a complaint by Swindon resident Mr. Bert Fraggle who [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/mcintyre-under-investigation-%e2%80%98comic%e2%80%99-to-face-trade-description-enquiry</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Even Hitler Hates The X Factor Twins</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Speaking exclusively to Boltvault from beyond the grave, Adolf Hitler gives his verdict on Johnathan &#38; Edward from his secret bunker in Hell.

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/even-hitler-hates-the-x-factor-twins</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>The Best Blonde Jokes</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Blonde jokes are based on the premise that people (primarily women) with blonde hair are naive, gullible, and...well, just plain stupid. You would think that this simple premise would get old - but lo and behold it does not, the best blonde jokes are alive and well in the 21st century! For some reason, like [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/the-best-blonde-jokes</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Memory</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I'm  not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one  truly is amazing. 
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern  University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant  standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan  [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/memory</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>What makes us men</title>
		<description><![CDATA[1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/what-makes-us-men</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>The X Factor 2009 &#8211; Fouad Djaoublia</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Welcome all the possibly the funniest I've seen in a while. The 25 year old waiter from France and now living in London came to the UK to seek his dream to record an album. All the judges are laughing their heads off by the end and the audience are on their feet singing along [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/the-x-factor-2009-fouad-djaoublia</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Lisa Jayne</title>
		<description><![CDATA[22 year-old Lisa has been modelling for a year and is based in Yorkshire. She has modelled in various publications and has covered glamour, topless, nude and fashion. She's 5ft 4" and supports Manchester United.
Name: Lisa Jayne
Location: Goole
Measurements: 32b
Height: 5"4
Eye Colour: Green
Hair Colour/Length: Shoulder length
Shoe size: 3/4
Dress Size: 8/10
Experience (work that is!)
What type of modelling [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/lisa-jayne</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Weird Al Yankovic &#8211; Yoda</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Sung to the tune of "Lola" by The Kinks, this is a classic Weird Al take-off with a Star Wars spin - very funny!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/weird-al-yankovic-yoda</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Lego Batman Trailer</title>
		<description><![CDATA[We know it's not new but it's still worth a look, check it out!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/lego-batman-trailer</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Bolt In New Sprint Sensation – Accomplishes Time Travel Feat</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man at the track, Wilf Kettle
Usain Bolt has amazed the Athletics world again this morning by using his unbelievable speed to actually travel through time. It seems that after winning Olympic Gold last Summer in Beijing, a team of top scientists have been working with the Jamaican sprinter to see exactly what his [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/bolt-in-new-sprint-sensation-%e2%80%93-accomplishes-time-travel-feat</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Warnock &amp; Jordan to Take Ball Home – Not Playing Anymore</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By Boltvault’s Chief Football Correspondent, Wilf Kettle.
Crystal Palace Manager Neil Warnock and his Chairman Simon Jordan have today threatened to take their ball home and not let anyone else play following a disallowed goal in their game at Bristol City at the weekend. The pair who are also considering not letting anyone play with their [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/warnock-jordan-to-take-ball-home-%e2%80%93-not-playing-anymore</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Olympic Boxing Boost – “Tissue-tastic” says Kleenex</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By Boltvault Business Analyst Greg Wad

Tissue giants Kleenex are reportedly in line for a bumper pay day after Women’s Boxing was confirmed as an event for London’s 2012 Olympics this week. A spokesman for the company claimed the move was directly linked to the upsurge in masturbation likely to ensue as scantily clad women get [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/olympic-boxing-boost-%e2%80%93-%e2%80%9ctissue-tastic%e2%80%9d-says-kleenex</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Slip and fly</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I just had to put this up here, I saw this and just thought it was comedy!



]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/slip-and-fly</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>New Cancer Shock – Being Alive Increases Risk</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Special report by Boltvault physician, Dr. Julian Quimm.
Coming hot on the heels of the announcement this morning that an increase in oral cancer has been linked somewhat tenuously to alcohol, scientists at the privately funded Bob Cratchett Biolabs have today confirmed that not being dead can increase the risk of contracting cancer in some form [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/new-cancer-shock-%e2%80%93-being-alive-increases-risk</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>More Dr. Quimm Casefiles</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Threesome Poser
Dear Dr. Quimm,
 
My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me but Im worried how this might affect our relationship. What should I do?
 
Angie Sden, Walford.
Dr. Quimm Says:
Obviously, your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/more-dr-quimm-casefiles</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Public Warned of Sunbed Terror – “They Are Out There Watching” Say Police</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man on the front line, John Bollocks.
Police have today warned the public to remain vigilant after gangs of angry young sunbeds took to the streets following accusations they were “more dangerous than tobacco”. The gangs have caused havoc in precincts and leisure centres up and down the country, destroying property and attacking innocent [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/public-warned-of-sunbed-terror-%e2%80%93-%e2%80%9cthey-are-out-there-watching%e2%80%9d-say-police</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Met Office Wrong Shocker – “Oops” says spokesman</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man in a cagoule, John Bollocks
Its official, the Met Office cannot predict the weather. In a shock announcement this morning the boffins, who for decades have tried in vain to predict rain or shine, finally admitted they were a shower of shit. Having previously predicted a “barbeque summer”, the Met Office changed their [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/met-office-wrong-shocker-%e2%80%93-%e2%80%9coops%e2%80%9d-says-spokesman</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>City announce latest bid</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By Boltvault’s Chief Football correspondent, Wilf Kettle.

Big spending Manchester City are set to stun the football world yet again in this week as they continue in their attempts to buy the Premier League title. Sources at Eastlands have sensationally revealed that the City hierarchy are planning an audacious bid to sign the Brazilian, Italian and [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/city-announce-latest-bid</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Latest from the BV Post Room</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Boltvault,
The old adage states that “A rolling stone gathers no moss”. Well, I’ve had veteran rocker Mick Jagger tied up in my basement for 6 months now and let me tell you, he has all sorts of muck growing on him now. In your face old wives tales!
Tiny Tim,
Jolly Old London Town
 
Dear Boltvault,
I heard [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/latest-from-the-bv-post-room</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Shoddy Services</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Boltvault,
On a recent motorway trip from Birmingham to London I heeded the advice of the Highways Agency and fearing tiredness could kill, took a requisite rest at the Welcome Break services situated at junction 8a near Oxford.
Having first battled my way through the assortment of bikers, travelling sports teams and caravan-towing pensioners in the [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/shoddy-services</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Kimberley Roberts</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Meet Miss Kimberley Robers, our 30-26-35 beauty from Leciester. Loves spending time with her mum and friends. Ideal assignment is of course playboy, but has already done shoots for Nuts, Zoo and the Daily Sport!! Kimberley is a shopaholic, but her ideal night is to be drinking cocktails and dancing with hotties. Thats enought from [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/kimberley-roberts</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>DRUGS, HOOKERS AND BOOZE &#8211; WHAT HAPPENED NEXT TO THE CADBURY&#8217;S GORILLA</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man with a large banana, Snooper van Minge
 
He was the Gorilla with the world at his feet. A national TV star who wowed the nation with his drumming abilities but now sadly, that is a distant memory for chocolate bar front man Dave Skelton. For now instead of performing in front of sell-out [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/drugs-hookers-and-booze-what-happened-next-to-the-cadburys-gorilla</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Hayley-Marie Coppin</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Meet Hayley-Marie Coppin, our Essex babe who enjoys her weekends boxing and cycling. Hayley has a very impressive CV having done assignments for Playboy, Perfect 10, Page 3, FHM, Loaded and Front! Hayley's ideal shoot would be with Playboy USA. Her ideal night out is (and we quote) "I love being taken for a meal with a [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/hayley-marie-coppin</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Grimsby Man Scoffs at Scientist Sperm Creation Claims – “Piss-Easy” claims layabout</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Report by Boltvault Science editor, Peter Petriedish
A man from Grimsby has poured scorn on the revelations that scientists in Newcastle have successfully created human sperm, by claiming he’s “been doing that for years”. Steve Jenkins, 29, an unemployed kitchen-fitter claims the “world first” as described by the boffins is nothing of the kind.
“Listen, I’ve been [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/grimsby-man-scoffs-at-scientist-sperm-creation-claims-%e2%80%93-%e2%80%9cpiss-easy%e2%80%9d-claims-layabout</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Tube Travellers Beware!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I was recently using the London Underground for the first time and had an unfortunate accident at High Street Kensington. My attention was held by a sign on the platform floor warning me to 'Mind The Gap'. Unfortunately, I was so intent on reading this important safety notice that I continued walking as I read [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/tube-travellers-beware</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Latest readers letters</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Boltvault,
I once had a shit and when I looked down the pan I realised it looked just like the Queen of England. I suppose when I pulled the chain it was a Royal Flush!
Herr E Pie, Munich
 
Dear Boltvault,
I once dipped my 'Old Man' into a can of wood-preserver. Did it preserve it? Did it [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/latest-readers-letters</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>New Images of Jackson &#8216;Ghost&#8217; Released!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man covered in ectoplasm, Snooper van Minge
New images have been released of the ghostly figure recently spotted by a film crew inside the former home of Michael Jackson. CNN footage showed a mysterious shadow, believed by some to be the King of Pop, as they filmed inside the Neverland Ranch over the weekend. [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/new-images-of-jackson-ghost-released</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Dr. Quimm&#8217;s dietary tips</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Morning all and welcome once again to my surgery.
I'm regularly asked about what food people should be eating and for advice on health and fitness. Frankly I couldn't give a rat's arse because I'm a fanny magnet despite my beer gut. However, for those of you not as much of a love machine as me, here are the [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/dr-quimms-dietary-tips</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Japanese National Day</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Today's lesson is about Japan. Why Japan? Because they have a National Penis Day - honest!
Take a look!
We should lobby for this day in the UK so we can pay tribute to all the dicks that run our Government!
]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/japanese-national-day</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>This probably wasn&#8217;t mentioned in the travel brochure</title>
		<description><![CDATA[]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/this-probably-wasnt-mentioned-in-the-travel-brochure</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>NORTHERN MONKEY ARRESTED OVER BUM TRICKERY! &#8220;I FEEL VIOLATED&#8221; SAYS IT BOFFIN</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man with the Swarfega, John Bollocks.
A man was in custody this morning after Police raided a house in the sleepy village of Chinnor in Oxfordshire. Concerned neighbors raised the alarm after a series of distressed screams were heard from within the property. Upon entry to the house, officers were greeted by a scene [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/northern-monkey-arrested-over-bum-trickery-i-feel-violated-says-it-boffin</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>EXCLUSIVE! “Cars better than feet – can get you there quicker” claims report</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man at the wheel, John Bollocks.
Cars can get you to your destination quicker than so-called cheaper alternatives such as walking – FACT! That’s the shocking revelation in a new report issued today which claims to have proven unequivocally that cars really can get you there faster.
The report commissioned by the British Association of [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/exclusive-%e2%80%9ccars-better-than-feet-%e2%80%93-can-get-you-there-quicker%e2%80%9d-claims-report</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>RESIDENTS STUNNED AT SORDID SEX REVELATIONS.</title>
		<description><![CDATA[“RANDOM STINKFINGERING RIFE” SAYS POLICE CHIEF. Report by John Bollocks.
The residents of a well to do area of Aylesbury, Bucks were said to be shocked yesterday, after a Police raid on a flat in the upper crust Watermead area of the town revealed a series of sordid sexual practices. The owner of the aforementioned abode [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/residents-stunned-at-sordid-sex-revelations</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Murray injury scare – Star rushed to Hospital</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man with his balls in his hands, Snooper van Minge
There were fears this morning that Andrew Murray’s Wimbledon dream could be over after the tennis ace was rushed to hospital in the early hours. While Murray Mania swept across the country in the wake of last night’s defeat of Stanistas Wawrinka, the young [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/murray-injury-scare-%e2%80%93-star-rushed-to-hospital</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Priceless</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Football boots - £100
Socks - £20
Leg Waxing - £50
White Away Champions league jersey - £40
Standing in front of an advertising hoarding at the right time to describe yourself.............................................. Priceless
 
]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/priceless</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>A man who looks like a thumb!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[There's really no more to say than that - he actually looks like a thumb!
 

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/a-man-who-looks-like-a-thumb</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Middle of the night humour</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/middle-of-the-night-humour</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>The good doctor speaks again!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Dr. Quimm,
I don’t normally write in for help but I’m afraid to say that I’m really struggling and need your advice.
I’ve been married for 7 years and I think my wife is up to no good.
Why, you may ask?  Well there are all the usual tell tale signs.
Basically for the last 6 months, things [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/the-good-doctor-speaks-again</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Wiper blade safety</title>
		<description><![CDATA[New Wipers
I got a new set of wiper blades on my car (a Peugeot, made in France ).  I think they might be too big because they hang over the edges a little, but I don't care, they work great and I would have to say that they are the only blades I have ever [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/wiper-blade-safety</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>NEW! The Baultvault Babysitter</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Yes that's right folks, those boffins at Boltvault Engineering have done it again. In a joint venture with the makers of Stella Artois, the beer that's reassuringly expensive, we have come up with the answer to all your problems at a price that suits you.
Before leaving on a night out, simply hook up your child [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/new-the-baultvault-babysitter</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Chef&#8217;s Arse</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Dr. Quimm,
Could you please furnish me with the correct definitions of firstly 'Chefs Arse', and secondly a 'Kleberson'. Are they the same? Also, what are 'Clinkers', 'Chob Nuts', 'Tag Bolts' and 'Undercarriage Urchins?
Roger Bhouys, France
Dr Quimm Says:
Dear Roger. Let me firstly deal with Chefs Arse. This is caused by an excess of ringstingic acid [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/chefs-arse</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Please Dr. Quimm, can you help?</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Dr. Quimm,
I have particularly long arse cress and suffer from an uncomfortable build up of clinkers. Trimming the hair seems to make it grow faster and I now have to put it in a bun, which makes my buttocks look lopsided.
Any suggestions?
A. Nuss
Bourneville Boulevard
Dr Quimm says:

I find the best remedy for this is to [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/please-dr-quimm-can-you-help</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Davina McCall bursts own ear drums – ‘Star’ hospitalised</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man who couldn’t give a toss, Snooper van Minge

Big Brother presenter and part-time foghorn Davina McCall has been admitted to hospital after bursting her own ear drums while shouting. The ‘star’ was rushed to hospital after Friday night’s show which saw some celebrity-hungry, mentally challenged freak of nature evicted from the Big Brother [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/davina-mccall-bursts-own-ear-drums-%e2%80%93-%e2%80%98star%e2%80%99-hospitalised</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>EXCLUSIVE! Susan Boyle revealed as Clarkson’s long-lost sister</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man wide-eyed and open-mouthed, Snooper van Minge.
The showbiz world was rocked to its very core last night by the announcement that Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle is the long-lost sister of outspoken journalist and TV presenter, Jeremy Clarkson.
It seems the real reason for Ms.Boyle recently missing a show on the Britain’s Got [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/exclusive-susan-boyle-revealed-as-clarkson%e2%80%99s-long-lost-sister</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Dear Boltvault</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Each week we receive literally no emails from you so we've made some up!
If you are able to find the time between searching for grot and pretending to look at Amazon when your bird catches you mid-stroke, and you do want to send us a mail, fire it through to the usual address admin@boltvault.com
Dear Boltvault,
I wish [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/dear-boltvault</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Dr. Quimm offers more advice</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Dr. Quimm,
 
I've been seeing this tart for a while now and she is proper filth, I mean the blonde bird out of Girls Aloud filth. She lets me do all sorts to her and is forever asking me to try different things with her from Golden Showers to Tarmacking. But the one thing we [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/dr-quimm-offers-more-advice</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>The Boltvault Klegaway &#8211; can you live without it?</title>
		<description><![CDATA[No matter whether it's a first date, an interview or a TV debut, as the old adage goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression. So, if the situation is this important the last thing you need is to be suffering with klegnuts. In the past, countless careers have been ruined by [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/the-boltvault-klegaway-can-you-live-without-it</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Latest from Troy &#8211; Chuck your Muck!</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Hi guys, Troy the Seventies Porn star here. Welcome to the next instalment of Who’s the Daddy?  I will now inform you of the next act for you to try to see which one of you and your mates can be crowned as good as Troy the Seventies porn king, oh yeah!
 
Chucking your muck
 
Gone are [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/latest-from-troy-chuck-your-muck</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Ronaldo to Real in £80m deal</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By Boltvault’s chief sports correspondent, Wilf Kettle.
Manchester United have today confirmed they have accepted a bid of £80 million for Portuguese winger Christiano Ronaldo. The greasy, sulky, cheating little twat has repeatedly requested a move during his time at United but, due to a recent increase in child-like tantrum throwing and Real Madrid’s gross over-estimation [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/ronaldo-to-real-in-80m-deal</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Villagers in dive for cover as fireball hits</title>
		<description><![CDATA["I only tried to say hello" says local youth.
Report by our man with a yellow helmet, John Bollocks
Residents of the sleepy Buckinghamshire village of Haddenham, enjoying a quiet lunchtime walk or a sociable pint of real ale, were soon rushing for cover as an explosion at a petrol station tore through their picturesque village. The [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/villagers-in-dive-for-cover-as-fireball-hits</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Tom Carr &#8211; struggling with his sexuality</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Dr. Quimm,
I’m worried about a friend of mine, Tom Carr as I feel he may be struggling with his sexuality.
My suspicions were aroused last month while on a fishing trip to France. I knew it was going to be quiet but I didn't realise we were going to be miles away from any women. [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/tom-carr-struggling-with-his-sexuality</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Snare Drum Syndrome</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Doctor Quimm,

I wish to remain anonymous but can disclose my name rhymes with Hen.
I have this problem… ever since I can remember I have been likened to a ginger mincing midget from an 80’s pop band who can reach notes only those missing testicles can. The identity of this dancing dandy will become apparent [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/snare-drum-syndrome</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Sir Alan Sugar in a right Carry On</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By our man under the boardroom table, Snooper van Minge.
The final of this years Apprentice show has been thrown into doubt after allegations of sexual harassment by the two remaining contestants. Finalists Kate Walsh and Yasmina Siadatan were said to be shocked and appalled by the behaviour of Sir Alan Sugar who after the pair [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/sir-alan-sugar-in-a-right-carry-on</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>New twist in search for Lost flight</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Investigators into the missing Air France flight which disappeared on Monday have released details of a new line of enquiry. Officials for the airline today announced they were on the hunt for a mysterious island which has the capability to relocate at a given time and on which they believe the flight may have crash [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/new-twist-in-search-for-lost-flight</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Snatch Wars (Snatch Vs Star Wars)</title>
		<description><![CDATA[I had to put this on the site!!! Very funny!

]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/snatch-wars-snatch-vs-star-wars</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>NikkiLee</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Meet naughty Essex girl NikkiLee. NikkiLee has done various types of modelling including topless, glamour mags, papers and car shows but says her dream assignment would be a photo shoot with Jordan and all the Boltvault lads watching! Her ideal night out would be a Limo followed by London nightlife and Nikki is another Boltvault [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/nikkilee</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Michelle Westby</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Let us introduce you to our newest girl - Michelle!! This Hertfordshire beauty likes McDonalds for her ideal night out, which surprises us as her stats 26-32-34 say otherwise! Michelle has done promotion work for Time Attack, BSB, USC and many professional shoots. Michelle's football team is Arsenal and she plays the drums. We'll try [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/michelle-westby</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Candy</title>
		<description><![CDATA[This is Candy. Candy's dream assignment would be a shoot in L.A, or somewhere hot we imagine. Candy is into fitness, food, pampering and fair grounds, yet her ideal night out includes pubs, clubs and a kebab for after, perfect! Candy supports Spurs and her stats include some 34dd's!
Name: Candy
Location: Deal, Kent
Measurements: 34 DD
Height: 5ft [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/candy</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Exceedingly Poor Cakes</title>
		<description><![CDATA[A Grimbsy man claims he is "fighting the good fight" by taking on the fiscal might of renowned cake manufacturer Mr. Kipling. Lionel Doorknob, 69, a retired hamster farmer is suing the purveyor of French Fancies under the Trade Descriptions Act following an incident at his home last month,
Mr. Doorknob claims he brought a Mr. [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/exceedingly-poor-cakes</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>United Duo In Champions League Blow</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Hot on the heels of last weeks Champions League controversy, Manchester United duo Wayne Rooney and Christiano Ronaldo are the latest players set to face the music after pictures were released of the pair doing more than simply bonding as team mates.
Our exclusive picture shows the pair celebrating their 4-1 win over Arsenal by apparently [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/united-duo-in-champions-league-blow</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Peter &amp; Katie : The Split Which Effects A Nation</title>
		<description><![CDATA[By Boltvault showbiz reporter Snooper Van Minge
The showbiz world was plunged into deep, dark depression last night with the devastating news that pop has-been Peter Andre and balloon-breasted bimbo Katie Price are to end the tumultuous, yet heart-warming marriage which has captured the imagination of a nation.
For reasons as yet unknown, 90’s ‘pop star’ Andre [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/peter-katie-the-split-which-effects-a-nation</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>The Test Every That Man Should Take</title>
		<description><![CDATA[That's right fella's. if there's ever been any doubt at all that you might not be a red-blooded, chick-loving, boob-worshipping bloke, you should take the test below!
&#160;
]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/the-test-every-that-man-should-take</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Coffee Mate and more&#8230;..</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a deep breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/coffee-mate-and-more</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Champions League of Villains</title>
		<description><![CDATA[UEFA today moved to dismiss rumours that referee Tom Henning Ovrebo who officiated over last night’s controversial Champions League semi-final is in fact a Barcelona fan. Ovrebo, 99, incensed players and fans alike with a string of dubious decisions which contributed towards Chelsea’s eventual exit from the competition following a 93rd minute equaliser by Barca’s [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/champions-league-of-villains</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>NEW! from Boltvault Ads</title>
		<description><![CDATA[That's right folks; the same team that brought you Boltvault Bog Roll now offers you this unique receptacle to wipe away those wanking worries!

Ergonomically designed for the left or right-handed wrister, the Wank-Away Masturbation System's pioneering design has been secretly tested, is fully endorsed by scientists at NASA and will feature on all future space [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/the-boltvault-wank-away-masturbation-system</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Rascal Rabbit</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Dr. Quimm,
I have an embarrassing problem. A couple of days ago I was playing with my pet rabbit (the battery operated variety) when I got a bit carried away. I inserted the the aforementioned item so far it became irretrievable. The problem is that it's still switched on and I can't leave the house [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/rascal-rabbit</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>The Back Wank</title>
		<description><![CDATA[ 
Hi guys, Troy the 70's Porn Star here with more advice on how you too can become the ultimate stud like me, oh yeah!
Today is lesson number 2 - The Back Wank.
OK guys, the net time you go back to a chick's house, end up in bed with her and nothing happens (something which has [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/the-back-wank</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Hairy Bush</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Dear Dr. Quimm,
I met this bloke once in a pub and we ended up back at my place. Unfortunately after he had rubbinsed me to get my juices flowing he pulled down my kecks and his previously magnificent tumescence dwindled to something resembling an elastic band. Can you tell me what might have caused this [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/hairy-bush</link>
			</item>
	<item>
		<title>Poo&#8217;s in trouble now? Toilet tomfoolery ends in tears.</title>
		<description><![CDATA[Report by our man in marigolds, John Bollocks.
Male members of staff at an accountancy firm are counting the cost of their unruly bottoms after their toilet gave up the ghost and exploded. Men at Mi5er Accountancy in Guildford, Surrey excelled so much at producing powerful plops that the strain has taken its toll on their terrorised [...]]]></description>
		<link>http://www.boltvault.com/poos-in-trouble-now-toilet-tomfoolery-ends-in-tears</link>
			</item>
</channel>
</rss>
