EXCLUSIVE! Susan Boyle revealed as Clarkson’s long-lost sister

By our man wide-eyed and open-mouthed, Snooper van Minge.

The showbiz world was rocked to its very core last night by the announcement that Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle is the long-lost sister of outspoken journalist and TV presenter, Jeremy Clarkson.

It seems the real reason for Ms.Boyle recently missing a show on the Britain’s Got Talent tour was in fact due to the emotional reunion with her brother in a Nottingham hotel and not down to stress as was previously reported. A tour insider said “Yes it’s true, Clarkson is Susan’s brother. It’s come as a big shock to everyone; I mean who could have guessed that? But Susan seems really happy and she has at least stopped skulking in her dressing room demanding bottles of Irn Bru while stroking her pussy.”

The revelations stem from author Gerald Pap who was researching the phenomenon that is Susan Boyle for a forthcoming book. Pap, 56 unearthed the amazing facts as he delved into the background of the woman dubbed ‘The Hairy Angel’ and was astonished by what he found.

Pap claims that Boyle, 48 was sired by Clarkson’s father during a golfing holiday in Scotland in 1960. Apparently, having celebrated a particularly good round on the local course in Blackburn, West Lothian, Clarkson Senior had an illicit romp with Boyle’s mother Bridget, a bar maid at the local pub, The Sweaty Sock. The pair spent just the one night together before Clarkson Senior continued with his holiday. “He never saw Bridget again and had no idea he had fathered a daughter” revealed Pap.

Ironically, at the time they met, Clarkson Senior had only recently become a father to little Jeremy. And, in a further twist of fate, it seems brother and sister were born little more than a year apart in April 1960 and 1961 respectively. Neither knew of the others existence and they would not meet for nearly fifty years.

"It's just wonderful"

Taking a break from preparations for the latest leg of the tour, Susan described how she felt about the news. “I’m very pleased” she announced. “To find out after all these years I have a brother is just wonderful although I have to confess to being a little bit disappointed my mother was a bit of a hussy but no-one’s perfect I suppose.”

Clarkson, 49 was unavailable for comment this morning, believed to be off running down foxes in a 4×4 on his country estate in Oxfordshire. However, diminutive Top Gear co-presenter and dragster-crashing midget, Richard Hammond pissed himself when we told him. “That’s brilliant. I should have spotted it from the barnet’s.” said Hammond. “Wait until The Stig hears about this.”