By our man with a cream horn, Boltvault investigative reporter John Bollocks.
A Grimbsy man claims he is “fighting the good fight” by taking on the fiscal might of renowned cake manufacturer Mr. Kipling. Lionel Doorknob, 69, a retired hamster farmer is suing the purveyor of French Fancies under the Trade Descriptions Act following an incident at his home last month.
Mr. Doorknob claims he brought a Mr. Kipling Victoria Sponge from his local Co-op with the intention of cleaning the kitchen and bathroom of his sheltered accommodation. “I thought the place could do with a bit of a tidy” explained Mr. Doorknob. “So I saw this sponge and thought to myself, well that’ll do the job, after all, Kipling has been around for ages so I thought it was a name you could trust. But bugger me, you should have seen what it did to my bath!”
Mr. Doorknob claims that when soaked in water and doused with Mr. Muscle bathroom cleaner, the sponge simply “fell to bits” leaving a mixture of crumbs, jam and cream all over his bath. “As far as I’m concerned, Mr. Kipling is nothing but a crook” exclaimed the pensioner. “His sponge has ruined my bathroom and I want compensation. Nowhere on the packaging does it say it shouldn’t be used as a cleaning product, nowhere! This is just another example of the large companies stitching up the little man and I’m not having it” he declared.
A neighbour of Mr. Doorknob claimed this was not the first time he had gone up against the big boys and indeed, has been embroiled in disputes with several large companies in the past. The neighbour, a Mrs. Joyce Flatulence claims Mr. Doorknob had recently launched a campaign against the electrical outlet Curry’s. “I try to look in on Lionel from time to time” she said “as he tends to get a bit lonely. That’s when he starts having these, what would you call them, episodes.”
It seems that Mr. Doorknob went to Curry’s with the aim of purchasing a Chicken Bhuna and became angry when a spotty school leaver instead tried to sell him a dishwasher. “He got quite tetchy about that one” explained Mrs. Flatulence. On another occasion Mr. Doorknob apparently “went berserk” after a visit to Iceland. “That really bloody annoyed me” he said.
“I went in there wrapped up in my winter coat fully expecting to see some Eskimo’s, maybe some Penguins or Polar Bears, and what did I get? Frozen fucking peas! It’s completely wrong I tell you. Who do these people think they are?” he ranted.
In a statement from Mr. Kipling the company said “We are looking into the claims made by Mr. Doorknob and will of course offer compensation if required.” Mr. Doorknob meanwhile, was today preparing to launch another campaign, this time against another electrical outlet. “I went down to that Comet place the other day. Far from being a relatively small extraterrestrial body consisting of a frozen mass that travels around the sun in a highly elliptical orbit, it was another bloody place trying to sell me kettles and the like. What is this country coming to?”