Hi, I’m resident Boltvault physician Dr. Julian Quimm and welcome to the first of my series of medical missives designed to help you recognise the tell-tale signs of illness or injury.

In my surgery today, I’m going to teach you a valuable lesson; a lesson which could save you hours of pain, suffering and embarrassment.

Put quite simply, today’s lesson is all about Knowing your Poo.

The Mr Whippy – Usually created by a good drinking session mixed with a kebab or burger on the way home, it’s generally not too bad unless you are the unfortunate bastard to be next to use the bog as the lingering smell has been known to melt a man’s face clean off! Particularly bad if Guinness is the principal ingredient.
Wipes required:  5-10

The Deidre Barlow – Also known as the DB, this is a dump which is particularly difficult to eject. Sometimes referred to as ‘childbirth’ you can spend a number of hours gripping the pan and straining with all your might. As the veins in your neck engorge to almost breaking point, your eyes will protrude as if on stalks giving you the appearance of the Coronation Street character after which this particular poo is named.
Wipes required: 3 -6 though you might want a sponge or jam rag on hand depending on how bad you rupture your rectum.

The Pebble Dash – The name is two-fold; firstly because of how quickly and unexpected the urgency that you need to release occurs.  You are forced to ‘dash’ to the nearest facilities like Usain Bolt on speed after which the poo in question then fires out your arse like thousands of pebbles, just as your arse hits the seat.  The pebble dash is usually a result of the second day on the session or a dodgy Bill Murray.
Wipes required: Annoyingly 18 – 20

Bum Gravy – Usually obtained via a three-day bender and resulting in a touch of ‘ring sting’ bum gravy is the worst of all shits as its highly acidic content creates a near fatal burning sensation. Bum gravy is also the cause of many sessions coming to an abrupt and premature end.  Unfortunately like all evil forces, there is only one way to combat this tyrant……fight through it and keep drinking until you can’t feel your arse anymore!
Wipes required: Min 25 and be prepared to double up or suffer the indignity of your fingers going straight through the soggy paper.

The Ghost Turd – a personal all time favourite of mine.  You just can’t beat a ghost turd.  Usually the result of a balanced diet containing no vegetables or fruit, a ghost poo will be straight out with no fuss and importantly, with no stressing or straining. Usually out in one, the ghost poo derives its name from the mysterious lack of evidence – 1 wipe, but no stain?? On checking the pan, the said poo is nowhere to be seen. Who can explain? It’s simply a wonderful experience and truly the eighth wonder of the world!
Wipes required: Just the one although this can sometimes be forgotten due to the sense of astonishment.

The Log Flume – Not as much fun as its name sake found in theme parks around the world, the log flume derives its name from the massive ‘splash back’ created by the huge log which just left your arse.  The Log Flume can result in cracking of the pan so should not be taken lightly!  Creation is put down to a lack of alcohol for a sustained period of time and is not recommended.
Wipes required: a sizable 15-20 due to the splash damage.

The Chemical Ali – Not so much of a poo to beware of passing, more one to avoid if someone else has done it. Believed to have been the principal ingredient of the lethal gas used under the Iraqi regime against the Kurds in the late 80’s, this poo is generally created by a diet of Ginsters products and Bovril and most notably affects Northerners. It has a half life of 14 days so if you lay the cable make sure you have a gas mask to accompany your copy of The Sun. If you go in there when someone else has done it, well, I just hope you’ve written a will.
Wipes required: 10 – 15 if donning a gas mask, without one, just pull up your pants and run!

The Home Alone – Similar in the pain stakes to the ring sting component of Bum Gravy, this poo gains its name due to the loud scream the poop-er emits as the stool is passed which is akin to the infamous yell issued by Macauley Culkin in the Home Alone movies. Most common around the festive period due to the large intake of roasted vegetables and Paxo stuffing and usually accompanied by sustained sobbing, this poo is however guaranteed to raise a chuckle when heard by relatives.
Wipes required: 5 – 10 though more paper will be required to dry the eyes.

The Sea Wolf – This poo takes its name from the nomenclature afforded to submarines during the Second World War. It’s absolutely massive and quite apart from the ruination applied to your arse, it’s a complete nightmare to get rid of. In extreme cases it can raise the poop-er several feet into the air and cause unconsciousness as they strike their head on the ceiling. My only advice to you is to keep an axe in the bog as you just never know when you might need it.
Wipes required: Believe me it doesn’t matter, you’re going to be much more concerned with getting rid of the beast than in wiping your crack, especially if you’re round the in-laws.

The Orgasm – Quite simply one of the best varieties of poo in existence and a nice one to end this guide on. Whether the result of a prolonged period of non-pooping or a race to the bog which you only just win and thus narrowly avoid coughing in your rompers, the result is the same; a long and sustained orgasmic ‘Oh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah’. This is usually coupled with a feeling of euphoria and an inability to move. It can also result in a bout of drowsiness.
Wipes required: 10-15 as generally of a sloppy consistency but you’re so relieved to have made it you just don’t care.

The only other advice I can offer in relation to poo is this; I don’t care whether you’re touching cloth, have a Doberman’s tail or the turtle’s head, never, ever, EVER plop on your own time unless absolutely necessary. Wherever possible do it at work so you get paid for it.

Here endeth the lesson.

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