If you suffer from the unfortunate medical condition of Arse Cress, Boltvault physician Dr Julian Quimm has the answers you need.

Dear Dr. Quimm,

I have particularly long arse cress and suffer from an uncomfortable build up of clinkers. Trimming the hair seems to make it grow faster and I now have to put it in a bun, which makes my buttocks look lopsided.

Any suggestions?

A. Nuss
Bourneville Boulevard

Dr Quimm says:

I find the best remedy for this is to purchase a cat, the feline tongue being an excellent implement for the combing and removal of said hair. Additionally, the application of Whiskas Lamb and Duck in Gravy chunks with a small spatula is not unpleasant to the harris and can enable you to get one on and grout on the carpet.

Regular applications and expulsions of Harry Monk can also improve your aim and become a party trick once you are able to spit one into a shot glass from 20 paces.

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